Posted by lasagne  October 10, 2021 8:02 am | #1 |
Hi all, I’m Lasagne. Like the food- a bunch of messy layers. Happy to have a place to let off steam. I’ve started writing the complicated backstory, but will stick with the TLDR for now & the backstory later.
After years of my wondering & his denial/deflection/minimizing (in most any conflict we have) it sounds like he’s attracted to men— confirmed a month ago when I directly confronted after finding my old notes when we were released from our couples therapist because she felt she did all she could without him doing his own work & some online stuff he had on a public SM account he maintains under anonymity.
I accept that he might be gay. People change or maybe he was all along. I’m having a hard time I believed years of being lied to & hope (oh that four letter word) that things would get better instead of walking away early. But silly me, I do love a challenge & have a hard time letting go until I feel ready to. Back to H, I suppose if one can’t be honest with themselves, how can they be honest with anyone else? That last part didn’t dawn on me until recently & wanting to give myself grace now as I figure out my future. I guess when we started, dreams of creating a beautiful life together we accomplished, with our daughter & not the metaphorical life many speak of.
We have been having the “where do we go from here” discussion as he thinks he wants to pursue his interest. We have created a couple relationship-house ground rules. He’s really afraid of me getting physically violent which is such an insult to me because I know that doesn’t accomplish a thing & the thought of hitting someone not in self defense makes me ill. I mean as a young child my kid asked what a spanking was. I vowed when I became a mom that stopped with me & I wouldn’t do it to my own. (I’m super sensitive to violence—even certain movies distress me.) But I think it stems from his secret being found out at work that’s not on his terms… Another rule is if he finds a person they don’t come here. He’s gonna do what he wants to do, that’s his SOP with anything he wants to do I’ve learned. Plus figuring out how to tell the DD who is away at grad school. I don’t want to out him, that’s his story to tell. We have our story & I am a part of that, but unsure what my role & responsibility is in disclosure.
We’ve been together just over 25 years. Our 24th anniversary is tomorrow. I was a SAHM until DD started school. I landed a part-time job there & still doing 18 years later. I love it, it’s really a dream & do it extremely well, but it’s part time & not financially sustaining, but soul balm & the people there have my heart. So I’ve been financially dependent on him a long time. Moving out isn’t realistic right now even though some days I want to run & never look back & others not sure if I want to. Expensive area of the country, few housing options , health insurance, etc are big hurdles. I also have a rare chronic illness, which happened to present when we were dating. Perhaps my body knew & was screaming in protest & I never recognized it until much later it could be because of him).
Last week there was some 50th anniversary Disney special- we were engaged there, honeymooned & had many family & a couple anniversary trips there. I asked him “so if we wind up getting divorced can we get one last hurrah to celebrate that?” It was definitely sarcasm, yet at same time I think could be incredibly fitting. We do have fun when we go.
I’m currently clearing out the spare room, it’s been a catch-all space the entire time we’ve been married & it’s slow work in spurts. I’m looking to buy a bed for it even though it’s not much bigger than a walk in closet, it can be a nest of my own.
Like the song goes- “you can check out any time you want but you can never leave”. That’s where I’m at.
Thanks for reading
|
Posted by Daryl October 10, 2021 9:25 am | #2 |
Welcome, I think we all have some layers so that's a apt pseudonym. None of this is easy and there's no rule book on how to proceed. Do what works for you today. Disclosure can be a quandary. Malicious outing is not cool, but what's happening to your relationship is as much a part of your story, as it is his. I feel that we have the right to comfort and support, so confiding in a close friend, family member, or in seeking your own counseling is fair. As for telling the kids, I think both parents need to be involved, age appropriate of course. It's particularly important once decisions have been made.
Keep carving out that personal sanctuary. You may find it leads to an exit door. Sometimes our biggest obstacle to leaving is the fear of what is beyond the door.
Be well,
Last edited by Daryl (October 10, 2021 9:26 am)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
|
Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 10, 2021 3:57 pm | #3 |
lasagne wrote:
......I’m currently clearing out the spare room, it’s been a catch-all space the entire time we’ve been married & it’s slow work in spurts. I’m looking to buy a bed for it even though it’s not much bigger than a walk in closet, it can be a nest of my own.........
Hey Lasagne....um..why is it that you have to move into a closet when your husband is the one who's fucked up your life? He's already in one so he'd be used to a smaller room after all
Elle
KIA KAHA
|
Posted by lasagne October 10, 2021 6:40 pm | #4 |
Welcome, I think we all have some layers so that's a apt pseudonym. None of this is easy and there's no rule book on how to proceed. Do what works for you today. Disclosure can be a quandary. Malicious outing is not cool, but what's happening to your relationship is as much a part of your story, as it is his. I feel that we have the right to comfort and support, so confiding in a close friend, family member, or in seeking your own counseling is fair. As for telling the kids, I think both parents need to be involved, age appropriate of course. It's particularly important once decisions have been made.
Keep carving out that personal sanctuary. You may find it leads to an exit door. Sometimes our biggest obstacle to leaving is the fear of what is beyond the door.
Be well,
Thanks Daryl, I reached out to our prior couples therapist as she was the first person to learn the backstory and I appreciated her listening when the disclosure was brand new. Since then I'm working on connecting to a therapist I worked with in the past and super effective. She isn't taking new clients, but as a former client she is willing to re-take me on. My friends are aware we have been struggling a while, but not this new development, I want to proceed with caution. Our only child is away at school and unlikely to return until the holiday season. She recently came out (to me) as lesbian and while I think she will be ok with his announcement, I'm not sure how she will respond to how I have been mislead. She and I are two peas in a pod and I miss her presence terribly. The house feels more alive when she's here.
|
Posted by lasagne October 10, 2021 6:48 pm | #5 |
Hey Lasagne....um..why is it that you have to move into a closet when your husband is the one who's fucked up your life? He's already in one so he'd be used to a smaller room after all
Elle
Valid and fair question Elle! Because I want to. I don't want to sleep in that bedroom with a lumpy, uncomfortable bed we shared... I'd rather have a smaller and cozier space with a new bed and linens that I love. Our room isn't that much bigger in the grand scheme of things being an already small house and most of my personal items are already in there as my craft and creative space. Maybe walk in closet is an exaggeration. I've never had one so not sure how big they are. 😉
|
Posted by Soaplife October 10, 2021 9:52 pm | #6 |
Lasagne, good advice from other posters. Its a journey. Your marriage sounds a bit like mine. I left my gxh a month before our 25th wedding anniversary. I'd been trying to fix our marriage (see how we take on the heavy lifting? He was the obe with the actual problem but I was the one trying to make it better) for 15 years. The more I tried the worse it got.
I now know that was because he was abusive. As I got better at communicating and more aware of his evasion and manipulation techniques he got angrier and more abusive. See "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
So be careful. These people do not respond well to having their cover blown. Anything you do about leaving, plan and do it quietly without involving him. When I fully realised it wasn't fixable and I was afraid of him, I seized an opportunity - he was away on holiday in Paris for 2 months. So I used that time to quietly and thoroughly plan and execute a clean exit. Started counselling, hired a lawyer, got a separate bank account, gathered financial info, leased and furnished a unit, moved my stuff. I walked out the day after he returned.
I'd just taken a redundancy from my job too (a job I loved but that was restructured out of existence) so I also found another job while doing all the rest. I was 55 at the time.
Step away from trying to help him or make him feel better. Wasted effort. Keep on focusing on what you need now. Keep separating your life from his. Look up the grey rock technique. Think about what you want for your future and how you can achieve it.
Tell your daughter - kids deserve the truth and she's a grown up. Its up to her what she does with that information. But if you want to break the cycle of lies, not perpetuate it, that's a good place to start.
And ... don't wait too long to make decisions. There's a better life out there waiting to be lived. See "Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life" by Tracy Schorn. It deals with cutting through their crap to see the massive entitlement these people have.
Good luck.
|
Posted by Soaplife October 10, 2021 9:57 pm | #7 |
And Lasagne him "being afraid of you getting violent" is a big red flag that he has possibly seen a lawyer and is going to use that "fear" when he files for divorce. Get on the front foot and see a lawyer yourself.
They are ruthless. Be warned.
