Posted by NewFly  September 29, 2021 5:09 pm | #1 |
Why is this still an issue? More than 2 years post divorce my XH told me he is not telling his work friends he gay because he thinks there will gossip about me turning him gay. Really? He came out to his family and non work friends soon after he came out to me.
Any advice dealing with this?
Keep in mind we work in different departments for the same progressive, inclusive company and haven’t been in the office since the pandemic began.
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Posted by Daryl September 29, 2021 5:35 pm | #2 |
I'm not sure, tell him you don't need his protection?
In my opinion, it really just sounds like he doesn't want coworkers to know and would prefer you didn't mention it either.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
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Posted by Soaplife September 29, 2021 8:10 pm | #3 |
Do what works for you. Your gxh hasn't got the memo yet - we're divorced and you're not the boss of me.
In a progressive and inclusive company, the only reason people would think "you turned him gay" (what a nasty thing to say btw) is if your gxh told them that or didn't correct them when they said it. Nice. That sounds like a threat to keep you quiet so he can keep controlling the narrative of your break-up.
So get out on front. Don't be intimidated by him. You don't have to live by his rules. If him coming out is the reason for your divorce don't ever hesitate to tell that truth.
Consequences. Guys like him often don't like them.
Last edited by Soaplife (September 29, 2021 8:13 pm)
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Posted by Rob September 30, 2021 6:46 am | #4 |
Clearly he wants to stay in the closet and be straight with his work friends. He wants;
A. To be straight with some people and gay with others.
B. All the benefits of being married to you and controlling what you say and do. Aka narcistic entitlement
C. Has told you his fears.
It is preposterous though as you can see on many fronts but these spouses live in an alternate reality..I would be curious how he thinks you turned him gay but really you cant..that is a delusion of grandeur.. if you put a gun to my head I would not like men.
Clearly you can say whatever you want to his coworkers. He has forfeited all rights and privileges to your speech.
They,or course, will always think they have the same control we let them have while married. It can shocking to them and takes some time learn.
I personally would look at it from a use perspective..what use do you have in telling his coworkers..will it hurt him and then his job and then he can't pay his alimony, child support etc?... this is not agreeing or pandering to him..just being smart for yourself. If there is no repercussions to yourself for telling his friends, and it comes up in passing..tell away.. but you certainly can tell them or not and know it it is your choice either way..
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz September 30, 2021 1:48 pm | #5 |
NewFly wrote:
You're divorced. You owe him nothing. Take a deep breath, look toward your future and stop being scared of the consequences of what he is will do to him.
Telling you he's concerned about gossip?
The truth isn't gossip. Believe in your truth
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by NewFly September 30, 2021 10:37 pm | #6 |
Thank you for your thoughtful responses. Yes XH being gay was the reason for the divorce. I couldn’t stay with a narcissistic liar.
XH brought up the subject of me turning him gay after talking about a colleague’s divorce. I had and have no intention of outing him at work but I don’t lie if someone asks why we divorced. No one at work has. I don’t think they care.
Being the narcissist that he is I think he is more worried about how he will look. A certain colleague has been a friend for over 20 years.
I can see certain members of his family (I told him who) making this comment but no one at work. There were some older ladies that might have gossiped but they have been retired for a number of years.
I don’t think he got the memo about being divorced. There are frequent texts and phone calls…some work related.
Last edited by NewFly (September 30, 2021 10:38 pm)
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Posted by OutofHisCloset October 1, 2021 4:51 am | #7 |
A note of caution. While I agree that your ex has zero rights to your speaking about whatever you want to speak about to whomever you want to speak to, your company may have a policy against disclosing the sexuality of those who are living closeted lives. Mine did. I worked at the same university as my now-ex. And when I told a few of my colleagues I considered friends why I was divorcing my now-ex, either one of them, or someone one of them then subsequently told (because secrets like this will get around), went to HR, which decided that I could be prosecuted under then Title IX rules (I was a professor, since retired), and I was warned by my supervisor that I could not speak to anyone who was employed there about my then-stbx's sexuality or I would be prosecuted.
It's unfair, but protecting yourself from any subsequent fallout from your ex's abuse of you is your first priority. If you could prove that he has revealed his sexuality outside of work you would, I suspect, be on stronger grounds if someone in the company reported you. But do be aware of your company's policy.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 1, 2021 4:53 am)
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Posted by NewFly October 2, 2021 5:49 pm | #8 |
Thank you all for your responses. You have lots of good advice. Even my 84 year old Mom said it was a ridiculous comment.
Yes longwayhome there are frequent texts and calls. Work provides various ways for colleagues to contact each other - email, Skype and VoIP.
He even called me when he discovered I blocked him on social media. Don’t I get to choose who I want to follow?
I thought the divorce would be the end of his controlling narcissism but it doesn’t appear to be. I was the first person he called when he was waiting for an ambulance after he had a heart attack. I am not his emergency contact. More chaos.
OutofHisCloset - good advice. No worries though. I don’t know what the policy is at work but I have no intention of outing him. No one has asked why we divorced and frankly I don’t think they care. People have their own lives to worry about.
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Posted by walkbymyself October 5, 2021 12:05 pm | #9 |
People don't care and very likely prefer not to hear about your marital issues. So the only reason he would bring it up is to manipulate you.
I was listening to a completely unrelated podcast yesterday, and a very interesting point was made: that there's a difference between "embarassment" and "shame". My XH had endless capacity to imagine he was being embarassed, but zero capacity to feel shame. The difference is, "shame" is what you feel even if there's no audience and nobody's watching. "Embarassment" always requires an audience.
Your husband is embarassed to be gay, but he's not ashamed of having manipulated you.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
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Posted by NewFly October 8, 2021 8:49 am | #10 |
Your husband is embarrassed to be gay, but he's not ashamed of having manipulated you.
I think this more than anything else sums up the situation rather than me "turning him gay". He is hanging on to that beard because if he shaves it off he will be revealed to be a liar or a fraud.
longwayhome I am not required to be on call 24/7 for work so I don't really need to respond to work texts. He can use work channels to contact me. It even happened a few times I was on the phone with him that someone from work was contacting me through Skype or VoIP.
Our adult son who lives with me is the emergency contact, so I am not really sure why he called me first especially since I was not on the hospital's visitor list. Why call me me if I can't do anything? He even put my sister on his visitor list (she thought it was strange).
