Posted by Dirkie88  September 24, 2021 2:48 pm | #1 |
Update on "I need to get this off my chest"
I moved back to my dad's house. She asked for time to figure out what she wants. Many people have told me I'm a better man than them for allowing her time to figure out what she wants. She told me she is extremely confused and doesn't know if this is a fleeting thing or if it's here to stay. Her saying that she wants to figure out what she wants kinda gave me hope but in the back of my head I feel it's false hope but I can't find myself to completely run away from it. I'm sitting in this house alone, trying to still keep conversations going with her. I initiated Monday through Wednesday. She opened the convo of Thursday and I was genuinely excited. She only wanted to know if I told my dad and what he said. After she got that info, didn't hear from here again. I'm so tired and I really feel it will be better if I could just sleep for like 3 weeks.
I see the stuff she is posting on Facebook. Posts like "It's really awkward how when living alone, you could go hours without saying a word." "Bold of you to assume I don't talk to myself." with like 3 laugh g emojies. She wrote off her best friend, who's feels like she doesn't know my wife anymore. Her best friend asked how she is doing before the write off and she said I'm happy. It's just inconvenient to not have transport anywhere. (I was the transport and public transport in South Africa is pretty dangerous and unreliable).
I feel so unimportant. We are supposed to go for coffee on Sunday to catch up and see how we are doing. I don't know if I want to go. For the first time, I actually threw up today. Nothing came out because I struggle to eat. I struggle to sleep. Through all this, I still have to teach online. I'm so drained. This healing process is tough. I just want it to stop.
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Posted by Daryl September 24, 2021 5:53 pm | #2 |
Are you healing? For that I think you need some sort of closure and certainty of direction. Right now it sounds like you are being asked to wait in the wings. Now, I don't believe it was wrong of you to allow her the time (and space) she asked for. That's what you do for people you care about. That being said, you get to decide for how long. You might want to avoid Facebook for a bit. It's probably the distraction you don't need at the moment. Please take care of yourself. It's always rough at the start.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
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Posted by Soaplife September 24, 2021 8:57 pm | #3 |
Dirkie it is so difficult in the early stages. There is just so much to get your head around.
It is good you were able to move to your dad's for physical distance. The next step is social media distance so you can clear and reoccupy your own head - some mental distance.
Her only asking how your dad responded to being told about her is an image management thing - will she be seen favourably or otherwise by people she knows.
And being regarded merely as transportation - ouch very insulting and hurtful. In her eyes you are a useful appliance not a loving and beloved partner.
Now that you know this about her, maybe your path ahead will be clearer. Good luck. Its hard.
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Posted by Dirkie88 September 25, 2021 1:02 am | #4 |
She said is very excited for the coffee on Sunday. She wants to see me and she wants to chat. She sent me 3 voicenotes and in all of them she said now is the time to find myself again. I 100% agree with that because I believe we lost each other in our relationship. We have lived together since high-school (in my parents house) and have always been in each other's company. We became very used to each other.
In the same breath, hearing her say that just makes me feel she wants me to be okay without her because she is already okay without me. She told me that next weekend is like a girls day with her colleagues (one is married and one is in a relationship so I do not believe it is anything but a gils night but hey, I've clearly been wrong before 😅.) She did however say she is enjoying being alone now and she doesn't want to explore yet. I'm sitting here kind of feeling like a fool because she looks to be doing so well with this. In the way she talks to me l, I can sense sadness and heartache about the situation and she says things like "I wish it could go back to the way it was" but then there is this other thought that keeps cropping up "How, me not pleasing you enough, me not being enough or not having what you want?" Do you think about those things when you say you want normal back?
I'm really just want someone to say this was an elaborate prank. I really just want her to say that I am enough. She said that she wanted me to take more initiative in the relationship. I can learn to do that. It's not naturally who I am but I can try and become that. I will sacrifice anything but even after I do that, eventually I would want to have sex and I still feel only I would want to. I think it will be better for me if she could just rip off the band-aid already. I don't know if she is genuinely confused or just scared of this new live she has the option of choosing. I wanted to say something else but I forgot what it was. Oh well🤣
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Posted by Daryl September 25, 2021 9:48 am | #5 |
It's been called the "pick-me" dance by others here. Constantly changing yourself to meet the other person's approval. As longwayhome says, the goalposts keep shifting on you.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
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Posted by Dirkie88 September 25, 2021 4:40 pm | #6 |
We are meeting tomorrow for coffee. I'm so scared. I made a list of my feelings and I'm going to read them off one by one. I'm going to allow her to make a point about what she thinks after I day every point. I'm so scared of losing this life that I have cultivated and nurtured for almost a decade. I'm constantly looking at her profile on Whatsapp. When she's online I wonder who she's talking to and why it can't be me. I don't want to do this...
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Posted by Daryl September 25, 2021 8:01 pm | #7 |
longwayhome wrote:
Daryl, I ask this genuinely, Is it the pick me dance when you don’t even know you have a third party in your intimate relationship?
I believe so. The third party can be the version of you that your partner says would be better (for them). You're placed on a treadmill to a goal that can never be reached. You do it because you want to do anything to save the relationship. You are determined to show that you can be that person. It's manipulative.
In any case, I don't want to derail Dirkie's thread by going into a discussion on terminology. Dirkie, I hope tomorrow goes honest and open for you and that you come back with some definite directions on what you do next.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz September 25, 2021 8:49 pm | #8 |
We are meeting tomorrow for coffee. I'm so scared. I made a list of my feelings and I'm going to read them off one by one. I'm going to allow her to make a point about what she thinks after I day every point. I'm so scared of losing this life that I have cultivated and nurtured for almost a decade. I'm constantly looking at her profile on Whatsapp. When she's online I wonder who she's talking to and why it can't be me. I don't want to do this...
I think you need to talk to your dad. You said in an earlier post that you're losing the person you love the most. Well... Your father lost your mother 2 years ago right? He's going to understand how you feel.
I mentioned my son is going through his own breakup at the moment. I'm so lucky I can be there for him. Talk to your Dad 
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Dirkie88 September 25, 2021 11:27 pm | #9 |
We are meeting tomorrow for coffee. I'm so scared. I made a list of my feelings and I'm going to read them off one by one. I'm going to allow her to make a point about what she thinks after I day every point. I'm so scared of losing this life that I have cultivated and nurtured for almost a decade. I'm constantly looking at her profile on Whatsapp. When she's online I wonder who she's talking to and why it can't be me. I don't want to do this...
I think you need to talk to your dad. You said in an earlier post that you're losing the person you love the most. Well... Your father lost your mother 2 years ago right? He's going to understand how you feel.
I mentioned my son is going through his own breakup at the moment. I'm so lucky I can be there for him. Talk to your Dad
Elle
I've tried but my dad is a typical man. He doesn't do well with listening. He wants to fix the problem. I have spoken to him and he just want to fix. While telling him about the issues I can see he is confused and upset. I want it to be fixed but I he can't. I just need someone to listen and he doesn't do that well. My mom was a social worker. She was excellent at listening. My dad is very practical.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz September 26, 2021 1:09 am | #10 |
,.I've tried but my dad is a typical man. He doesn't do well with listening....
Well you need a sounding board. Do you have any close r'ships with relatives? To make good decisions you have to be able to hear how they sound by telling them to somebody who'll listen and reflect your thoughts back to you without trying to fix anything.
Somebody at work? I'm sorry I can't recall if you're working out not.
Update on my son's situation. He moved out of the rental he was living in with his girlfriend, into a house with his own room. He messaged last night and said " I feel so lonely" and my heart broke but I know he has to put space between him and her so he can begin moving forward again
Elle
KIA KAHA
