Posted by NaiveWife  September 20, 2021 8:29 pm | #1 |
I am completely shocked to discover by accident that my late husband was bisexual. I had no clue. I am heterosexual and thought he was too. Last week I needed to find some old paperwork and got into his old email account. In the send folder were Craigs List messages with pornographic pictures of him, suggestions and plans to meet with men and transexuals, and comments where he identified as bi. I am beyond confused. How did I never know or suspect this? How could the man I loved cheat on me? I go back and forth between anger at the lies and sadness that he felt he couldn't share this with me. I suspect he married me knowing he was bi and chose to not tell me. Any suggestions on reconciling my feelings? I'm afraid to tell his or my family or friends. I hear so often how we were the most connected, perfect couple and how wonderful he was. I used to think so to. Not I'm not so sure. Also, should I get tested for STDs? He passed 1.5 years ago.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz September 20, 2021 8:42 pm | #2 |
NaiveWife wrote:
I am completely shocked to discover by accident that my late husband was bisexual. I had no clue. I am heterosexual and thought he was too. Last week I needed to find some old paperwork and got into his old email account. In the send folder were Craigs List messages with pornographic pictures of him, suggestions and plans to meet with men and transexuals, and comments where he identified as bi. I am beyond confused. How did I never know or suspect this? How could the man I loved cheat on me? I go back and forth between anger at the lies and sadness that he felt he couldn't share this with me. I suspect he married me knowing he was bi and chose to not tell me. Any suggestions on reconciling my feelings? I'm afraid to tell his or my family or friends. I hear so often how we were the most connected, perfect couple and how wonderful he was. I used to think so to. Not I'm not so sure. Also, should I get tested for STDs? He passed 1.5 years ago.
Welcome to the Straightspouse Forum 
Not meaning to sound (too) harsh....your late husband must have been a secretive and wily man, for you not to have had an inkling there was something amiss. And he's kind of left you with the ball in your court....and nobody to pass it back too.
Definitely...talk, talk, talk. A close friend or family member, or a therapist with a skill in this area. Here on the Forum as well You'll have a ton of questions and no true answers from the man concerned.
This is a great place full of helpful people
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by NaiveWife September 20, 2021 9:01 pm | #3 |
Thank you for your response. I thought my late husband was the most honest, moral man I knew. I truly thought that I had found one of the last good guys left and was so proud to be his wife. I'm really struggling to understand how he could have done this to me and why. If he were alive and I found out, what would have happened to our relationship? I'll never know. He died thinking I'd never find out. Was he protecting himself or me? So many questions. You're right, I need to probably find a therapist to work through my confusion. I was mad enough when I found out that I came close to pawning my wedding ring. When he was very sick and we knew he would pass, I told him that I would wear the ring after he died (but maybe move it to my right hand) to always remember him. Now I'm torn about how I feel about him.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz September 20, 2021 9:09 pm | #4 |
Thank you for your response. I thought my late husband was the most honest, moral man I knew. .......When he was very sick and we knew he would pass, I told him that I would wear the ring after he died (but maybe move it to my right hand) to always remember him. Now I'm torn about how I feel about him.
Hmm...my partner of 37 years was THE most wonderful guy too, but you know...people change. Some of them are honest about it and some aren't. I'm still with my partner but I used to wear a Pounamu, a greenstone, around my neck. It meant Infinity which I believed in. I no longer wear it
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Soaplife September 20, 2021 9:32 pm | #5 |
NaiveWife - not naive, just a normal woman who trusted the man she married. We'd hardly marry them if we didn't trust them would we. So please don't beat yourself up for being normal.
What an awful shock for you ... a therapist would be a good start, before telling family or friends. Give yourself time to process your discovery first. You just don't know what reactions you will get (especially from his side of the family), so best to get your head around it privately at first.
And come here and decompress as often as you need. Believe me, we understand. These articles might help you, even just to know that you are not the only one who goes through this.
https://www.chumplady.com/2018/02/dead-cheaters-terrible-discoveries/
https://www.chumplady.com/2021/08/his-double-life-was-revealed-after-death/
I would get tested for all STIs just in case, and chat with your doctor about ongoing need for periodic testing. My doctor was totally non-judgemental - STIs are common and treatable and its better to know.
Wishing you strength as you work through this. And you WILL get through it.
Last edited by Soaplife (September 20, 2021 9:37 pm)
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Posted by NaiveWife September 21, 2021 8:51 pm | #6 |
Thank you all so much for the advice. I am going to seek a therapist. I will transition from NaiveWife to EnlightenedWidow in my mind with some time I believe. No, I cannot handle any gossip right now and do not wish to tell my discovery and out my late husband at this time. I need to process it first. I feel like this can't be real; it has to be someone else's story. Maybe I'll assume a pen name and write a story about my life!
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Posted by walkbymyself September 27, 2021 9:04 am | #7 |
I think my husband overplayed the role of "strict Catholic" in order to gaslight himself even as he was gaslighting me. I was the one with the more bohemian background (pre-marriage, of course, I would never have cheated on him). I was the one always being made to feel morally inferior.
But as for your situation, I found out my husband's secret and had the conversation you were denied. So for what it's worth, I'd asked him whether he thought he'd be able to keep this secret forever. He responded candidly "I thought it would all come out after I was dead."
To me that was devastatingly selfish, but this is actually the way he was. If he didn't have to face the consequences, nothing about the pain he was leaving to me bothered him.
You have to make your own choices, and as longwayhome points out, it will have consequences. I think you should not be forced to keep a secret that pains you but doesn't benefit you in any way, but it's up to you. Some of his family and friends may have already known, or suspected, and unless the air is cleared you will never really feel confident that they did right by you.
Knowing what you know, is it painful for you to be told what a perfect couple you were?
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
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Posted by NaiveWife September 28, 2021 9:46 pm | #8 |
My husband also reminded me often of his strong, religious upbringing and made me feel that he was morally superior.
Yes, it is painful to be told what a perfect couple we were. I remember the good times and I still believe that there were really good and meaningful times in our relationship. There are times where I actually want to protect him even though he is gone. I want people to think of him as the person that we all thought he was. Then I think of the lies and I am disgusted.
I loved and cared for him through 1 1/2 years of an awful cancer that took his life. He let me struggle with the pain of knowing he would die, dealing with all of the finances and the health care all while also working 40 hours a week. He should have confessed!!! If he had, would I have stayed and cared for him? I may have divorced him, but still helped him. This would have left me in a much better financial state than I am now in dealing with probate, medical bills, loans, etc.
I appreciate your comments. I am not ready to tell friends and family yet. I do wonder if anyone did know and kept it from me like he did. Some day I may need to have those conversations so that I can heal. For now, though, I want to process it myself first. I don't know if I hate him or feel sorry for him that he led such a secretive life. I even wonder if he thought that the cancer was his punishment. I certainly don't, but I wonder about his mental state during those dark times when the cancer took over. He must have had quite an internal struggle.
