OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / A gay ex-husband answers your questions

**Posted by lily** September 26, 2024 6:14 pm

Hi Rose, no please keep the same name - it's good to remember that's what you brought to the equation, rose-colored glasses, that's a lovely thing and did not deserve what your ex brought - the deception that leaves one feeling like a chump for believing in them.

I spend a lot of time here like the other straights do, trying to get the people in the middle of a divorce situation to try and be tough and make a favourable deal. But let's face it, I did the same as you - was generous to him, was thoughtful of what he wanted. And yes, lived to feel like a chump for it.

I know you are hurting a lot now. In the natural course of things it will slowly but steadily get better, I promise you.

Just not being subject to him any more, being able to lick your wounds is a good place to be right now.

**Posted by lily** September 26, 2024 6:57 pm

Alex1984 wrote:
An individual is free to define their own identity and they can choose to identify as straight (I do) and nobody should argue it.

Alex, no. Just no. I can appreciate that might feel right to you but it is not true for those of us who have commonly been called straights. We have no choice in the matter. 100% opposite sex attracted. And it matters a lot to us that our partner be the same.

When we married our gay in denial bisexual husbands we believed they were straight too - we got duped and it's caused a lot of pain.

Now you want to tell us they were free to define their own identity, nobody should argue. and anyway, we're not straight - what's up? is that genuinely what you believe?

**Posted by Sam (Admin)** September 27, 2024 7:52 pm

lily wrote:
Alex, no. Just no.

While I don't see the world in as binary terms as you, and I do believe there are people who are truly bi, I draw the line at "choosing to identify" as whatever you please depending on the day. I Never "chose to identify" as straight, it just happened. My late ex "chose to identify" as straight but she wasn't. If someone "chooses to identify" as something they are not, they are living a lie.

**Posted by Alex1984** September 27, 2024 9:18 pm

Sam (Admin) wrote:
lily wrote:
Alex, no. Just no.

While I don't see the world in as binary terms as you, and I do believe there are people who are truly bi, I draw the line at "choosing to identify" as whatever you please depending on the day. I Never "chose to identify" as straight, it just happened. My late ex "chose to identify" as straight but she wasn't. If someone "chooses to identify" as something they are not, they are living a lie.

Ooofff... I think we are arguing about semantics. The word 'identity,' by nature, implies personal choice and is shaped by life experiences, inherent values, and how an individual wants to be seen. People can pass judgment on others' behaviors, but they shouldn't question a person's identity.

It's like if someone insisted they were a giraffe... Is this person living a lie? Or are they mentally unwell? Or just so utterly unaware? I would definitely question their self-awareness, and I might point out that their neck is far shorter, but I wouldn't go out of my way to prove they were human. At the end of the day, you can only hope they will come to align their identity with the objective reality at some point.

I think it's safer and more objective to say, 'This person acts like they are attracted to the same sex,' rather than saying, 'This person is gay'.

**Posted by RoseColoredGlasses** September 27, 2024 9:20 pm

And to me, the main issue is looping other people in! Fine to identify as Santa Claus, IDGAF - but, don’t rope the rest of us in to your charade. That’s the problem - when someone else unknowingly acts on the lies, misrepresentations of another: fraud.

**Posted by Alex1984** September 27, 2024 9:23 pm

RoseColoredGlasses wrote:
And to me, the main issue is looping other people in! Fine to identify as Santa Claus, IDGAF - but, don’t rope the rest of us in to your charade. That’s the problem - when someone else unknowingly acts on the lies, misrepresentations of another: fraud.

100% agree! Particularly, if done knowingly!

**Posted by lily** September 28, 2024 2:39 am

semantics? for heaven's sake!

You can't choose to be straight, you either are or you aren't.

Identity obviously includes more than sexual orientation but when is any part of your identity a choice?

My gidxh believed he could choose. This board is full of people who got married to people who believed they could choose but somehow neglected to mention that to their partner, straight or otherwise. Like Sam said - living a lie.

Causes a lot of hurt.

Last edited by lily (September 28, 2024 2:42 am)

**Posted by Sean01** September 28, 2024 4:48 am

Thank you everyone for posting. Perhaps our disagreements are due to different perspectives. Allow me to explain:

Phase 1: Alex and her sexually-fluid husband might approach questions of sexuality from the fresh perspective of "we're going to make it work!" early discovery; and this often includes some fun/consensual sexual exploration.
Phase 2: Rose might interpret things as someone who tried like hell at phase 1 but now is in the muck of divorce. She understands she married an extremely dishonest and cheating husband who for years bald-faced lied to her about his true sexuality.
Phase 3: Lily and I (and many others) see the world through a somewhat jaded post-divorce lens. And as a gay man, I also tend to see men's sexuality with more of a pink hue...labelling everyone as "gay." This perspective might also assume the more rigid "gay/straight" labels from 10-20 years ago.

In layman's terms, Alex is the fresh-faced college graduate ready to "take on the world!" Rose is more of a stay-at-home mom going through a horrible divorce and understandably wondering "What the f*ck do I do now!?" Lily and I are the somewhat jaded retirees bleating, "Life is a b*tch!" to a much younger and, to us, blissfully naive generation.

Thoughts?

Last edited by Sean01 (September 28, 2024 4:50 am)

**Posted by Anon2222** September 28, 2024 10:02 am

Sean - I like the descriptions.

It took me awhile, but I too have moved into the phase of "life's a b*tch" and everyone sucks in the end so just go and do whatever you want. I agree - I have become way more rigid about the whole gay/straight thing now than I ever was in life before. And I have become incredibly picky when it comes to dating or meeting new people. I'm sure I have missed out on meeting some nice people, but I'm ok with that because the risk of meeting the wrong person is so dire I never want to do it again.

I applaud the enthusiasm of those new to this, but at times it can get a bit tiresome. I was there. I said and did all these things. I hung around for 4 years after the bisexual thing, just to be blindsided by the gay thing.

I feel like your phases sum it up nicely - I remember the high of phase one, the mind f**k of phase 2 and am now working on toning down some of the bitterness in phase 3 lol

I appreciate your approach to all of the questions, and there are days where you patience is admirable! I hope you are doing well yourself.

**Posted by Sam (Admin)** September 28, 2024 2:07 pm

Alex1984 wrote:
I think it's safer and more objective to say, 'This person acts like they are attracted to the same sex,' rather than saying, 'This person is gay'.

If someone is primarily attracted to the same sex (and not the other) it doesn't matter how they act, they ARE gay. Many people here are here because they got involved with someone who didn't act like who they really were. Not that such a relationship can't be maintained, but both parties must accept the reality, and not the "identity". I would love to identify as a young stud with washboard abs but in reality I'm an old man with an expanded middle.