MJM,

   I have read elsewhere that GID men sometimes fasten on transwomen as an "inbetween" acceptable sex object: someone who appears to be a woman (and therefore an "acceptable" object of heterosexual desire), but is male.  It's the maleness to which they're sexually attracted; it's the woman's appearance that allows them to desire the male anatomy.  My trans-identitied ex also was attracted to transwomen who had kept their penises.  In his case, despite the fact that he was attracted to women/females (he "identified" as a lesbian), he was attracted to transwomen with penises because he was identifying with the transwoman--he wanted to be a woman but also to enjoy the sexual excitement he felt as a man about imagining himself as a woman.   That is, my ex wasn't attracted to transwomen with penises because he was gay, but because he could project himself into the transwoman and pretend to be the transwoman.  I'm sure these two explanations don't describe all the possible explanations, and your ex had, I'm sure, his own individual profile--which you probably can never know or feel you have figured out with 100% certainty. 

 I have spent a great deal of time trying to fathom the inner workings of my trans-identified ex, but ultimately I have decided that I will never be able to figure him out.  Furthermore, I doubt even he could explain it clearly and without contradictions, either.  What he had to say about himself changed over time, but no matter what he was saying at any given time, it was alway internally inconsistent.  My conclusion is that, as a friend of mine told me once when I was describing things he'd said and done, "he's really fucked up."  And that has become enough for me.  I trust that he is messed up, and that his inner reality will never make sense to me--because it doesn't make sense.   I came to a similar conclusion about my father, who was bipolar and paranoid, and whose delusions were many.  His reality was characterized by a logic governed by his illness; it didn't make sense to me, because it wasn't rational.  

  Longwayhome,
     I'm so sorry you are in a position to have to be triggered.  I hope you can get free even sooner than you are planning for. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 9, 2021 8:16 pm)