I am so sorry. My gay gentlemen friend was so kind and considerate to me until a few years ago. I think that some people have no conscience and no sense of right or wrong. Yes, I would just type e mails instead of phone conversations. 

One of the biggest mistakes that I made in all of this was trying to have serious conversations about What Happened with my ex-wife.  I tried to figure things out and make sense of them.  The moment I realized I was dealing with a deeply damaged person with a corrupt value system, I was able to start breaking free and focus on taking care of myself in the wake of all of this.  A "good" person does not drag an innocent straight spouse into the closet with them.  My ex-wife is a really messed up person, and trying to understand her remains impossible.

Lost, 
Your post could have been written by me a year ago.  I too, was married 10+ years when my husband dropped the transbomb.  After it was clear that we were going to split up, he retracted everything, but the damage was already done. 

I am going to say this and it will be politically incorrect but this is my opinion.  These people not only have questionable moral character, but they are mentally ill.  I know of no other explanation for the recent explosion of men who think they were "born into the wrong body."  They have serious emotional issues and then they are egged on by other sad people who want them to be in the same boat.  Misery loves company.  

I am glad I divorced my wannabe woman husband.  My therapist advised me to have no contact with him and that is helping me heal.  He sucked the emotional life out of me the last two years of our marriage.

Good luck in whatever you do, Lost.  I wish you all the best.  

Thanks all for your support.

My confusion in all of this is how he has morals for everything in life, but apparently the "moral" to be a good decent partner somehow got lost it all of this chaos.  And now he himself apparently questions how he could be so "evil" to do to this me. He's apparently full of guilf when he thinks about what he has done. Not keeping his trans news a secret, but how I found his secret accounts, sexting pics, etc. He went so far as to tell these men he was divorcing me WITHOUT even telling me he was trans or divorcing me.

We have always discussed cheating and he said I would never cheat! But apparently to hide this secret and needing to "feel" desired he cheats when he is a woman????

I have not seen him this "mental" before in all my 16 years with him. A few episodes of anxiety and depression and "hating" himself, but not to the point of chaos and suicidial thoughts.  He would always said he has "thoughts" but these have turned to "visions" apparently and he's scared out of his mind. I am not going to be sucked into it.  I think he has gone off the deep end and "lost" his mind with all these hormones and riddled with guilt. I asked him if he was bi-polar and of course he doesn't know, but acknowledges he's "Fup" because only an "Fup" person would do something like this. And I couldn't agree more.

I know he presented himself to me how he wanted me to perceive him and I know none of this is my fault. I am ashamed and humiliated by his behavior and now all the friend and acquaintances will know "he" is now a "she" and I just want to crawl in a hole. 

I know I need to move on, but it's such a terrible place to be in!.

 

OutofHisCloset wrote:

LostAtSea,
   Your partner's behavior sounds so much like what I experienced.  There were times after my trans-identified then-husband (now ex) dropped his trans bomb that he also seemed to me to have gone off the deep end.  At various times he said he was a woman inside, or many women, or many people, including men, or the little girl who had never been allowed to develop. He never told me "I feel like there's a woman inside me" This is why I questioned him with "Are you sure you are trans and not gay"? Then he tells me I'm not gay. I'm not attracted to me. I have always found females attractive. Now when I'm a "woman" I want to be with a man!  At first he said he was going to transition; then he said he understood he had autogynephilia, and, therefore, because autogynephilia is a sexual paraphilia he would just limit his "expression" to the bedroom; later he said that it wasn't "just" sexual but also an identity so he wanted to dress up whenever he was home. He also told me he wasn't going to transition "right now", but boy did he not rush into it. Two months after the phone call he made and I found those disgusting sexting nude pics, we were NOT speaking. I was anger and heartbroken to be lied to and then cheated on!!! He began his hormone therapy and I knew he would. The told me a few weeks later after things calmed down. I told him I knew you were and again not being forthcoming.  His story and his sense of who he was changed and changed and changed. Since he told me, his story changed every damn day! He was never forthcoming. He would tell me things and I would piece them together. When he initially called me, I realized it wasn't for him to disclose his "secret", it was actually for him to tell me his decision. It was his decision to finally come clean, to leave our marriage and to be trans or a bi-trans. He went from being I'm been secretly cross dressing since 10, to I want to cross dress full time, to I think I'm trans, to I think I'm a bi-trans in a matter of 2 days! Meanwhile he tells me he is "confused". He was never forthcoming upon his disclosure but I pieced it all together. After our 1 couples therapy session, I told the therapist he wasn't forthcoming. Only sharing what he wanted me to know and he said he "didn't want to hurt me anymore with this shocking news". I told him there is nothing you can say to me that will shock me and just say ALL of it. Boy was I ever wrong! So much crazy talk!  At one point he said he thought he might have dissociative identity disorder (multiple personality), and seemed proud of that, like it made him special and unique (rather than mentally ill). I now do think on some level he is mentally ill and I just never knew it. He has anxiety and a few bouts of depression but he never would be down or cry. He only had "sad" days, but on some level you have to be mental ill when you say "when I'm a man" and then "when I'm a woman". It's just so sad I never knew and I never viewed him as a mentally unstable person with an "Fup" mind. There has always been a sore topic in our marriage where he doesn't stick up for me. His half sister and sister in law treated me badly as they were jealous of my relationship with his parents. My father in law has since passed away and both of them picked a fight with me the day of his funeral!!! His father has been deceased for 3 years now and his mother and him allow the behavior of those two to treat me with disrespect. Since this transbomb has surfaced, no one in his family has reached out or offered any sympathy or compassion. When we were amicable or even "tried' to make things work, he asked if I would accept their apology for not reaching out. I said they are not that kind of people and had never apologized to me from 3 years ago. I said you didn't even defend me for their bad behavior allowing it to go on for years. His mother and him do not like confrontation, so they just get walked on and bullied. I told him I will not have the disrespect and I said you need to defend me and have my back. I'll telliing this story because as of 2 wks ago, this came up and he literally had a melt down. He had suicidal thoughts of confronting them rather than defending me. He would rather argue and argue with me his partner and wife instead of confronting bad behavior. He told me I can't defend myself I never have, so how do you expect me to defend you? He doesn't have the courage or guts to stand up to people. I told him, you would rather cause friction in your own marriage than to confront your sister because of her jealousy? That is INSANE!  I was taking care of my father in law till he died and she saw how close we were and immediately hated the idea of me calling my father in law "dad" or "daddy". A 55 year old petty woman with "daddy" issues, who left her apparently in her eyes when he got remarried. But now, you want to present yourself to the world and be a woman? Don't you think you will be dealing with confrontation everyday?  At another point he actually told me that he and other trans people like him represented an evolutionary advance. - Oh God!
   Like you, I was spinning trying to understand him and his changing sense of himself, and wondering how it was that I had had no clue or hint of this in him in the 30+ years we'd been married, and I struggled to reconcile the way he had duped me and his utter lack of empathy for the way I was feeling after he'd dropped his trans bomb with the man I had known and the man he still exhibited to others.  I think this is why my head spins and heartaches.  When I speak to him or see him, he's still the same "man" I married. I have seen him 3 times in 6 months. We no longer live in the same state and this is probably my only saving grace right now. He sounds and appears to be the same, but apparently his "mind" is not. I have on several occasions told him he is not a woman. He replies with "well my mind tells me I am". Sigh.
   Ultimately, I had to get off his merry-go-round, and let it spin without me.  
    Your partner's secret life, his splitting himself into "when I'm him" and "when I'm her," with behavior to match, telling others things without telling you, and without a thought for you--well, he's right: he's "fup."  Oddly enough, he's given you the truth, and he's had as accurate an insight about himself as he's likely to have (although it may be fleeting...).  So take him at his word: he's messed up.  My best friend actually said to me about my now-ex one day when I was telling her about his behavior something very similar: "He's really fucked up," she said.  And you know what?  He is. - The Catholic priest that married us, I called him for assistance with an annulment. I didn't want to disclose the story as he was also their family friend. When he asked me why an annulment was needed, I did tell him. He told me that he was "Fup" and that I'm "Fup" for trying to help or stay with him. He said you are both "Fup" and he's right! LOL I'm "Fup" for being on this merry go round and trying to salavage what is apparently gone and not there. The priest said "You are proloning your own hurt! And you will live in SIN if you stay with him". I did tell him "Father forgive me for trying to help my partner and husband and for trying to save my marriage".  And hearing it from someone else helped me accept it, and then I was able to disengage and emotionally detach, and stop trying to understand him as if he were working from the same set of values and realities that normal people are. This is true! I guess I was "trying" to be the accepting party and to hear his cries and pleas for help, but he knows exactly what he is doing. He wants to transition and be a woman to pursue a relationship with a man. He is NOT confused. He doesn't want to admit this, but finally did when I said we can't work. I am NOT going to accept you and you have "desires" to be with a man and telling me you will "act" on it! That's like setting me up for failure. Basically telling me..."I will cheat on you!" and everyday I have to be on guard? Get the F out of here!!! You have lost your F mind and have me thinking I'm crazy because I love you and you aren't a "woman" just yet and want to come back. When you are confident, then you will toss me aside AGAIN!. He has sent me a picture of "her" and I am flabbergasted but I could NOT tell he used to be a man! He's only been on hormones for 6 months. Only his height could give him away along with big arms and feet. He has a wig on that looks so real, has ears pierced and hormones have started the breast and hips process. It's amazing on the transformation.
  That's the truth: they are fundamentally messed up.  And their mess is no reflection on us.  You have nothing to be ashamed of, his behavior and crazy ideas aren't your fault, that he duped you for years is not your fault--his behavior is on him!  It has nothing to do with you.  HE is messed up.  I understand his crazy is NOT my crazy. I know I do not need to be ashamed, but I am. Who wants anyone to know they married a transperson? And now a transwoman who wants to be with a man? I mean why couldn't you just be a regular cheating husband??/(Not that it's any better). But to now change your gender AND sexuality?? Come ON! I feel like i'm seriously on the "Jerry Springer" show!! If you YouTube it you will see that show was crazy with transgender shock stories.
   You're in a hard place right now, a terrible place.  But I promise you, it will get better.  The sooner you leave him behind, and remove yourself from the orbit of his crazy, the sooner you can begin to heal. - I am trying and this forum has really helped me! I want to thank ALL of you for your support. No one understands me.