Posted by Zenobia  May 10, 2021 2:29 pm | #1 |
About one year post disclosure from spouse about TTT, taking hormones, the works. Still in the house and with the pandemic still mostly at home. He’s accumulated a lot of clothing and adds more weekly in addition to tons of lotion and makeup. Not uncommon to see short skirt and heels for walking the dog. My understanding this “teenager” like phase is quite common. Not very present with our child, up and down in terms of contribution to the household at all. Most of the day and night spent in videos games while playing loud you tube videos and talking to a new set of friends for hours and hours. Leaves sex toys out in the open in the main bathroom, generally oblivious with how all the past lies have impacted things. Lots of rage and unforgettable things said the first few months but now back and forth interacting well with child and treating poorly.
So the roller coaster goes up and down. Not sure if it is an idealization-devaluation-discard cycle or what. I have zero trust after so many lies and how very different this person is from who I met. I find myself really suspicious when he tries to get my option on a meal or anything like that. I just feel it is BS and a means to stay in the home and not fend for himself.
Had a couple over outside recently and they version they got was plain clothes and calm and interactive. For any where there was conflict in the relationship did you experience this where with known people they acted totally kind and regular? I feel like it made me out to seem sooooo unreasonable to not want to stay and make a MOM when they are just so much how they always were. They will even do this when on the phone with some of the new friends. Say something out loud half to me that I know is total crap but makes them look good.
I think I totally lost my train of thought on this. But the way it feels is like I’m being guilted into a MOM (or rather trying to be guilted) that I do not want because they present to others very differently than they do when it is just child and me at home. Like I am just intolerant of TTT instead of multiple years of outright lies and projections and a fabricated personality.
Had I known about TTT from the start I would have declined a relationship as it just doesn’t work with my sexuality as straight. But I never got that choice. I got a bag of lies and then after years a slow escalation of this and things I was not comfortable culminating in my kid losing “dad”.
As more things open up post-pandemic I’m going to have to deal with it more until he leaves the house (no idea when/how they will find work). Any advice from those who dealt with this pre-pandemic especially around mutual friends/acquaintances? I can’t just yell out “hey I feel like they died because the person I met was a lie so I’m not just being a jerk promise” but I also refuse to be “oh everything is just dandy and I am totally fine with this”.
|
Posted by lily May 10, 2021 3:40 pm | #2 |
Zenobia you sure are on a rinse and repeat cycle, except it isn't a repeat, it's more like a limbo dance - the bar keeps getting lower.
It's just going to keep getting worse, he has happily skipped past the danger zone and is now busy gaslighting as firmly as ever. That is going to happen whatever you do, how soon or how late you act he is still going to be managing appearances for the both of you, this is text book, of course we have been through it - all you can do is identify the people who will support you despite him and remember, at your weakest is when you have to be at your strongest - you have to lead the charge.
I was very lucky in my lawyer, and when the times came and I was just stymied sitting there with a foggy head and barely able to think let alone act she would call me up like she had an instinct for it and she would tell me what the next step was and that I needed to move - and then I could get on with it.
|
Posted by Zenobia May 11, 2021 11:04 am | #3 |
On the financial front I’m fortunate that it is all in my control. I strictly budget and have a “spending” allotment for each. Before all of this I kept shrinking mine more and more and increasing his (probably thinking I could stop the escalation by appeasing him?). Anyway... I stopped that a long while back! I took a look at what help I get with kid and house etc and looked at how many hours of work it would be paying someone (accounting for room and board and insurance and all that) like an employee. That helped set my expectations and give him a clear boundary. He’s been sent some extra things by friends
The items he’s left out *i* know what they are but are not realistic looking so hoping if child has noticed (child doesn’t use that bathroom often) they didn’t know what it was. He seems to notice and out things away by the time I am annoyed enough to say something.
I still feel really annoyed but reflecting more it doesn’t really matter if those “friends” see through his act or not. It is not up to them or what they think. My child and I are what matters in this and other can manage their friendships as they see fit. I will say though that this has changed how much I trust people. One long time friend that was my friend basically asked if I was going to try and force them to not associate with spouse on FB anymore. I said I was not going to dictate to anyone who to speak to. This friend seems more interested in “woke points” and not someone I talk to about things any longer.
|
Posted by Rob May 12, 2021 1:18 pm | #4 |
Zenobia,
".. Had a couple over outside recently and they version they got was plain clothes and calm and interactive. For any where there was conflict in the relationship did you experience this where with known people they acted totally kind and regular...."
Yes my GX was and still is a professional at switching her behavior to hide the gay and raging anger.
She and her girlfriend would show up at events as "just friends".. nobody suspected the gay or the abuse I was subjected to. I'm sure they felt very clever ..just more deep dark secrets they feel they have total control over.
I thank God everyday to be away from such malevolent behavior.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
|
Posted by Lynne May 12, 2021 10:34 pm | #5 |
delete
Last edited by Lynne (July 15, 2022 6:51 pm)
|
Posted by Zenobia May 17, 2021 11:48 am | #6 |
Yes I do think he is somewhere on the range of a covert narcissism disorder. The words and the behavior doesn’t match up and now my eyes are open to that.
I have heard him tell one of these new friends (another older man) to basically just ‘get more money from their father’ to support them (the friend wants to continue not working and living in tourist spots around Europe). He tends to see his own parents in a similar light which was not at all apparent in the beginning. These are able bodied people well into the 40’s with no problem with having a parent (who is probably at an age to be on a fixed income) just pay for their life. Even without TTT this is not a person I would select to be in a relationship had I been given the chance to decide based on the real person. It goes beyond the trivial ways we present our best selves when first meeting people.
|
Posted by Blue Bear May 17, 2021 5:33 pm | #7 |
Zenobia wrote:
Had I known about TTT from the start I would have declined a relationship as it just doesn’t work with my sexuality as straight. But I never got that choice.
But guess what? You have a choice now. If you don't want to be in a relationship with a trans-woman, you don't have to be. As to the consequences if you leave? Those are his fault. You don't have to live the rest of your life in a state of being hoodwinked.
