OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / What to tell our son?

**Posted by onceuponatime** May 10, 2021 10:58 am

Today is the day when my husband will be moving out of our house. We still have to tell our 10 yr. old son that we are separating. My husband thinks we should tell him about his sexual orientation as the reason for us splitting up. I wonder if it might be too much information all at once for him to handle. I think my husband wants to be true to himself, and doesn't want to hide it from our son.
My step-son is also gay. I am afraid that my son will, at some point, question his own sexual orientation, with both his dad and brother being gay.
I wonder if others with children could share their experiences when it came to tell them about the gay parent.
Our son already sees a counselor for an unrelated issue. We have reached out to her for advise as well.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** May 10, 2021 1:56 pm

onceuponatime wrote:
........I wonder if others with children could share their experiences when it came to tell them about the gay parent.......

I believe to a large extent this all depends on the r'ship of both parents, but not only as mother/child, father/child but parents/child. Some children are receptive towards 'bad news' when there is good communication and even with a stable & close r'ship with the parents a child may already have an inkling that all is not well.
My advice....tell him in an age-appropriate way. His family, the 3 of you, are all he knows? and the bond you have shouldn't be be broken.
When I left my 1st husband (for non gay reasons)....I was 27, too young to realise how this would ultimately affect my then 3 and 5 year old children. It's all coming home to roost now and even though I have a great r'ship with both I wish I had talked to then more about what was happening. Children internalise much of the stuff they feel because they can't verbalise their emotions, don't have the words.
I think you owe it to your son..to give him those words, then impress on him you're both there to answer any questions. Let him know you're not angry because he may even have had an inkling all is not right....and that he is in some way to blame

My 3 were adults when I broached the subject with them. My oldest doesn't know (he has had a rough time the last couple of years) and I feel guilty for not telling him but intend to as soon as his emotional strength is in a better place

Elle

**Posted by lily** May 10, 2021 2:43 pm

It sounds like your stbx thinks he's done nothing wrong.

Can I suggest age appropriate is good but make sure you are giving him answers that cover how you are feeling. ie not just his father is gay but also that he hid it from you.

**Posted by Rob** May 10, 2021 4:38 pm

Once,

Hard decision..I just wonder if a kid even cares why you are separating..I know my kids,although older, did not.. I guess if they are young you have to reassure them it has nothing to do with them..hence giving a reason.
I think they just want to know how it affects them and that they have mom and a dad. Im probably oversimplifying a hard thing..
My other advice I do stand by is to be the most constant consistent version of yourself that you can be...hard to do when your world is crumbling I know. I think kids look to see the parent they always knew ..that gives them some sense of stability...

Wish of strength and fortitude..

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** May 10, 2021 4:53 pm

Rob wrote:
.......My other advice I do stand by is to be the most constant consistent version of yourself that you can be...hard to do when your world is crumbling I know.I think kids look to see the parent they always knew ..that gives them some sense of stability...Wish of strength and fortitude..

So true Rob

Elle