OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Love my bisexual husband but need to let go

**Posted by Reallylost** April 24, 2021 1:00 pm

My husband told me he was bisexual seven years into our marriage. I didn't understand at that stage and lashed out after finding out he watches gay pirn but wasn't even having a sexual relationship with me. He said that he chooses me and wants to be with me but has his other desires. We've been married 14 years but after another dry spell (1.5 years) I realize it's time to move on. He's not trying to make our marriage work. But he's chatting online with bisexual men to find out how to fulfill his other side. He's telling them how exhausted he is with me, that something is missing sexually, but in all honesty we barely have sex because he never wants to. I'm broken and need advice. We have a son and I love and care about him. He's a good person but I can't put myself last for him.

**Posted by SusanneH** April 24, 2021 3:00 pm

ReallyLost,

Sorry you find yourself here, but hope we can help.

It sounds like your husband is checking out of the marriage: no sex (1.5 years is a long time! I get to feeling left out when we got two weeks without and we’re almost 70!), him chatting with men online; telling them how unhappy he is with you (so sorry); and asking them how to fulfill his other side. It seems like he’s ready to do just that...fulfill his other side, and it doesn’t sound like that’s something you’re on board for.
Like you say, you’re broken. You need to be whole for your son, so take care of YOU. You say it’s time to move on. Perhaps start taking steps to do just that. Therapy may be a good idea to have in place as it isn’t an easy transition in life. get yourself a support system. If you don’t have anyone in person, post here..Even if you do, post here...as often as you need.
Best of luck I wish I had more to offer you. If things change, let us know. Keep us posted if you feel like it.
(((HUGS)))

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** April 24, 2021 4:41 pm

You asked for advice. Mine is that you act on your conclusion that you cannot keep putting yourself last. Your husband is devaluing you to others, and doesn't even care that you know he's doing that. It's the beginning of the discard phase. Start taking your power back: Go see a lawyer and find out what your legal rights are in divorce. Your son needs to see you modeling self-respect, not knuckling under to a man who is mistreating you (abusing you, really).

**Posted by lily** April 24, 2021 6:03 pm

I think you need to rethink that belief that your gay in denial husband is a good person.

a famous quote from Zsa Zsa Gabor - "Dahleenk, you don't know the man you married until you divorce him."

He married you without disclosing his true feelings. After 7 years he says he's bisexual - was that after you found the gay porn? - and still leaves you not knowing his true feelings - now you know he is telling them to other people but still not to you.

It sounds to me like he is treating you with a lot of disrespect, and showing zero romantic interest, love or concern.

tbh, I'm guessing that like my ex did he is damaging your self esteem in underhanded little jabs.

still think he's a good person? I found I had to rethink that idea - no I was the good person not him.

so my advice is to pull back from discussing this stuff with your husband at all for a while - just talk about what's for dinner and take a step back, watch and listen to him and be private from him for a while.

Last edited by lily (April 24, 2021 6:07 pm)