Maya, when you are ready, I highly suggest confronting him. I battle with this because I want to be smart, I’m not ready to be on my own but at my lowest moments I realize I’ll take struggle any day over crying in the middle of the night for hours on end. Then I think of the kids, telling my parents and what it would do to them but this group has showed me, that we cannot take on this burden alone.
I’m not sure how things will go for you but when I confronted my husband he gradually told me some stuff. I’d search his friends list, ask who these guys were, he’d say he could tell they were bisexual by ads they liked on Facebook (bullshit), he had joined a secret Facebook group...I started searching, asking, then I’d take it all in, cry, we’d have a few good hours or days. Then my mind would think “what about Instagram, Snapchat etc..”. Well last week Thursday night I discovered a godaddy.com intimate massage friend in his Instagram. I grabbed his phone and made him unlock it. I spent 1.5 hours discovering his “best friends” on Snapchat, one of them had nude pics saved so I knew instantly what these friends were all doing. The gut wrenching moment for me though was when I discovered “rooms by the hour” on his search history. I’d look back at the days/times and realize he’d search this when I was sitting in the living room with him or texting him at work. He told me he thought of meeting a guy but hadn’t yet. Today he shared 4 months of credit card statements and his PayPal statement. There is nothing on our bank statements showing he purchased a hotel room so I actually believe him. In this time though, I learned he had a relationship with another man while we were engaged, a one night BJ event while traveling and a few other inquiries.
So here we sit, I know his urges are serious, I’ve tried to get him to admit that he’s moved onto men, explained I don’t want him to live a lie, offered a lavender marriage etc... But his response is that he doesn’t want that, he wants counseling, we’ve talked (and experimented, safely) with bedroom strategies, he wants us to regain what we’ve lost but more openly and truthfully now.
I can’t say it will happen the same for you but with truth comes freedom. Start asking yourself what you need to survive on your own (alimony is a great thing), picture yourself independent, proud of who you are, don’t sacrifice yourself for your family and marriage..you will loose yourself. Tell your husband you want to help him, his truths don’t mean an immediate divorce, you can give eachother time to grow and strengthen. We are going to counseling but I’ll be taking the next 6 months to get my confidence back (lose weight, get healthy), then I plan to get a professional grade camera, take some classes and start a career in photography. If this happens again, I want to know I’m independent and brave enough to serve divorce papers. I’ve realized that it’s not about finding someone to complete you, it’s about completing yourself. Nobody in this world can love you like you can love yourself. Find your strength, envision it, then demand the truth. It will take him forever to admit it all but the more you learn, the more knowledge you have to make decisions that are best for you and your kids. Because of his infidelity, if he wants to make it work...he should delete and unfriend everyone followed by full access to all his technology, credit card statements etc.. even if he is gay because as a friend you are to be respected and shown the truth.
I’m not sure why God put us all in this position but I have a feeling it’s because we have a special strength and heart. Sending my love hon, ❤️
- Epiphany
Maya wrote: