OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Why am I not enough

**Posted by Whatwillbe21** January 6, 2021 12:47 pm

I found out on the 2nd my husband is bi and my head has been a mess ever since.
We have just had a talk and he says he wants to seperate as he feels it's not fair on me. As he doesn't know what he wants.

Why am I not enough for him??

**Posted by LostAtSea** January 6, 2021 2:19 pm

Hi! Sorry you find yourself here.

I thought the same thing! My soon to be ex said he is transgender woman. I realized I was never "enough" because I didn't have the right male equipment.

He said he will transition to a woman and be desired to be with a man. After some detective work, he is already presenting himself as a homosexual man even without transitioning to female.

No wonder our sex life has been crappy for a long time and I put up with it. NOW I know why.

When I has a talk with him about doing different things in the bedroom, that was when his interest in "staying to save our marriage" after 1 months of his calling me about his transgender new. He has no desire to make us work, but he feared we would suffer intimaticy that we were already lacking.

It's hard not to beat yourself up about it. I'm trying so so hard to take this as a blessing. My soon EX is not bi, he's just gay and won't admit it.

**Posted by Whatwillbe21** January 6, 2021 2:25 pm

Thank you for your reply. My head is everywhere and I just dont k how what to think.
I also feel hes not as bothered as I am.

I'm just now feeling angry.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 6, 2021 9:43 pm

Whatwillbe21 wrote:
......I'm just now feeling angry.

Angry is sometimes the best way to be through this Mindfuck
but don't let it rule you, you'll need to be clever AND angry

Elle

**Posted by Rob** January 7, 2021 1:47 pm

Whatwillbe21,

You are enough.. we were always enough.

I can look back now and while I still don't see the gay I can see how it explains a bit why my GX was always on my case ..nothing was ever good enough..insatiable.

Our love for our spouses is strong but I don't think they are supposed to make us feel helpless and inadequate.

In this life and the next God knows how we tried..we loved fiercely and loyally and unconditionally. ..and that should be enough for many a people.

**Posted by Julian_Stone** January 7, 2021 3:33 pm

In many cases: When our closeted spouses get to the point of coming out to us, they've already cheated, checked out of the marriage, or want to cheat with our permission (i.e. have a "friend with benefits" while enjoying the benefits of marriage/avoiding the financial, etc. pitfalls of divorce).

You *are* enough...Don't internalize this as a you problem. This is really shocking news to get...Your husband has had years to come to terms with his sexuality (which is probably why he seems "unbothered" by it)
Personally, I think separating so he can "figure out what he wants" will only prolong (and compound) your pain. It may be worth getting a free consultation with an attorney to explore your options if you do decide to divorce.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The First-Aid Kit has some great advice (if you haven't checked it out yet).

Last edited by Julian_Stone (January 7, 2021 4:51 pm)

**Posted by TangledOil** January 7, 2021 3:59 pm

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You can only do your part. You are not the problem. I’m married to a bi man that came out to me a year ago after nearly 30 years. We’ve always had a really great relationship, sexually and otherwise. I suspected he wasn’t quite straight from the beginning. Initially when he came out we agreed not to make any quick decisions. We were both on board for that... we were in no hurry. A couple months before he came out to be he seemed to be very depressed... he’s never had any intimacy with a man and as he’s come to accept that side of himself he thought he may need to be “authentic” and experience that side. Now he’s in a very different head space. We are both committed to each other’s emotional and sexual well being. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s getting easier day by day.

Hugs,

Tangled

**Posted by TangledOil** January 7, 2021 4:21 pm

Also I wanted to add, for my husband his perceived need to be “authentic” stemmed from him being closeted, therefor lonely, and believing that if I knew the true person he was there was no way I could still love him, desire him and wish to remain married to him. He had it in his mind that if I ever found out I’d immediately ask for divorce. He didn’t plan to tell me because I’m his mind he knew our marriage would be over so in some sense he was planning at least in his mind for that possible eventuality.

**Posted by Blue Bear** January 7, 2021 4:49 pm

You are more than enough for the right person. Your husband is like a vegetarian at a BBQ joint -- he's fundamentally not interested, and he deceived you into thinking that he actually could be interested.

He said he wants to "figure out what he wants"? He should have figured that out before you ever married. And this is a common delay tactic and a failure to acknowledge their blame. "Bi now, gay later" is very common.

Good luck. Plan your escape. You will be more than enough for the person who deserves you.

**Posted by rekamc** January 7, 2021 6:19 pm

deleted

Last edited by rekamc (January 9, 2021 1:50 pm)