Wow that quotation hits home.

For those where this works out I really don’t know how they do it. I just have to imagine they have a different sort of person as a partner that was more open about things and working towards a life both partners are satisfied with.

For the bulk of the time I did it by being in denial. I just shoved it down deep and ignored my feeling and hurt and just hoped at some point he’d just magically realize how hurtful it was to hide something for years and then just change so drastically without noticing/caring that I had no joy in participating. I initially tried to help with little things thinking is was just surface stuff and anyone can want to try different hairstyles. When his demeanor changed and the expectations in the bedroom changed I just tried to get through until it was over and then started to find reasons to avoid it all together as I didn’t want to feel I was shaming him by stating these weren’t things I personally enjoyed. I never set a boundary and never spoke up for myself. Very old pattern of mine I’ve come to find.

Some of the awful things he said to me during one of his last blowups snapped me out of it. By then I’d actually read a lot more not only about transition but also personality disorders (I can only go by behaviors his only interest has been in gender confirmation therapy he has stated he looked up other issues and “didn’t like what it said”) and stopped feeling into the rant. The claims of love and how wonderful of a woman I am all ring very hollow after some of the other actions and words. I’m just not buying it anymore. There were many years at the start where there was zero indication that the relationship was anything other that two hetero people with only hetero love/sex interests. To go from that all the way through all the escalations to being screamed at that I never said I was hetero (I guess if I was bisexual it would be ok to lie to me for years?!? ) just broke the spell. Pandemic plus child keep me obligated for now. Trying to work on myself so I don’t stay bitter about financing all this and being used. I get a “I just didn’t know this about myself” excuse then also hear him tell people he knew when younger and that he picked a new name 20 years ago (well before we met) and also telling me he’d cross dressed in private for years so it doesn’t match up. He knew and would have been better suited to find a partner, man or woman, that was a match sexually. It isn’t like he was a young kid with pressure to conform, he was well into adulthood in a really accepting environment and means to seek out someone compatible with his desires.

As for the trauma, I’ve been looking into ways to handle it. Trying meditation, subliminal tapes, EFT tapping, random dancing to regulate and ground myself. Will any of it work? No idea. But even if it isn’t “as bad” as has happened to someone else I still now realize this crap was traumatic all the same.

What is so sad about it all is I was going to let him "come home". I felt I needed to hold "US" together no matter at what cost. I was willing to try to accept him being a woman and trying new things in our bedroom so in his mind "he didn't feel the need to be with a man". He tells me he wants to try b/c he has so much love in his heart for me, but his mind is screaming inside that he won't feel complete unless being treated like a woman by a man. He thought if we could try, that thought would be out of his mind. He was going to come home this weekend.

I don't know why I had a feeling to ask for these passwords even though he told me he only bought woman's clothes. It was obviously more than clothes, but I understood the desire for these sex toys.
But finding these secret dating sites, he would have NEVER told me unless I asked for the password to the secret paypal account on how this was all being paid.  I would say I'm smarter than him in asking for this to uncover, but not smart enough to uncover his trial of lies before.

Right now I feel no remorse at all. Everything was a lie and this maybe the revenage part of me but I hope he stays confused forever! He can hurt for a lifetime with the hurt he has caused me.

Can we all just get together and have a party and let it out?!! I'll bring the food and a punching bag and boxing gloves.