Ink,
 I understand this.  I've felt this both that degree of intimacy, and that degree of horror when I asked myself how it was possible to achieve that intimacy if my ex was something other than he was presenting himself to be so,   
   Here's what I have concluded.  I was duped.  I was honest.  I came to the moments of intimacy trusting, and because of my trust I opened myself up and my actions and feelings were genuine.  There is one instance of our love making that I particularly remember, that occurred in the "honeymoon" period after he disclosed his sexuality, when he was future-faking me and love-bombing me so that I would stay in his closet, that was the closest I had felt to my now-ex in many, many years.  I thought I was loved, I thought I was safe, and as a result I could trust to a degree that I could allow myself to be vulnerable at the deepest level.  I don't think I'm at fault for not being able to see past his deception, and I don't think I'm ought not to have been able to feel it because it was based on a deception I couldn't possibly have discerned.
  I've had more than a few moments of rage that although I was capable of such deep intimacy, and longed for it for the length of our marriage, that I was deprived  from experiencing it because he was lying about who he was.  Now in my mid-60s I'm aware that my chances for achieving it with someone else are vanishingly small.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 22, 2020 11:01 am)

I've had time to think about this for my GX in particular.

The intimacy we shared was personal and in my mind formed a bond between us..something we shared together.  Similar but maybe more than years of friendship and marriage.

For one person to throw that away and dishonor it. To deliberately hurt ... We all say long hidden  same sex attraction and I get that but to also hide it for years..I put that right with their ability to hurt us..just a moral flaw..says more about them as a person than anything else.

In a sentence...for me..if she wanted to be gay and end the marriage..ok..but she could have done that better and in a kinder way.  She just couldn't be kind..had be horrible and mean to the point of me physically fearing her.

So, I think its a moral or character flaw in them.   They may have loved us to a degree..but not deeply enough or at least not deeply enough to not hurt us.

..and that is the difference between us and them.

Ink, right on point again.  It is something we muse on for years to come, if not all our lives.

I can't tell you how many secretive lesbians there are.  When I was in my 40's I had no idea but now I see them.  And you know, I've been talking with them.  

The thrill of the chase - one young woman was telling me how much she enjoyed flirting with men and how exciting it was hooking one and you know she will happily get into bed with him too but she was very clear her love was for women.  When I pointed out she was being misleading and it would hurt him there was no response at all, and yet I am looking her in the eye - I can see she understands what I am saying, and her eyes shift away.  Not something she wanted to talk about at all.  

It is a pattern that stops for some but also continues beyond the reproductive years for many of these women.  It is a sin of the heart, a moral failing and a deception - yes we are duped.  Knowingly.  How they do it idk.  But maybe it is a bit like the way a cat loves her mouse?   

It took me decades to realise my ex was just stringing me along and that he would continue to do so for as long as he could get away with it.

I am slowly coming to a place of wondering if it really isn't about success and failure - if it is being true to myself that makes me able to love.

 

ellox- that is an interesting perspective. i commend you for your strength and determination. do you find yourself just missing the closeness? have your found ways to cope with the loss of that closeness. not sexually speaking. mentally and emotionally.