Posted by Stronger  December 18, 2020 11:25 am | #1 |
I’ve been watching a lot of the videos titled “It Gets Better” - I guess I’m still trying to find my place and my way forward. I don’t really know what I want to do yet. My husband would like to stay married and I think I would too but I feel like I need something to change in order for that to work and you’re not supposed to want to change someone. I need some genuine affection from him and much of it seems forced or unwanted. So... these videos almost all say that the straight spouse needed to change their expectations. What changes? How do you convince yourself of these changes? I’m still just trying to remind myself I didn’t cause him to be gay and it’s out of my control. (And there’s all his lingo like saying, “I’m just me” or “I don’t put a label on it.”)
Help me change my expectations and find new ones. And, for now, keep in mind that I might like to stay married.
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Posted by Zenobia December 18, 2020 1:19 pm | #2 |
Seems there is a difference between expectations of what a specific person can offer and expectations/needs of a specific type of relationship.
For the first it would be setting out realistically what you can expect from your husband. He can provide xyz. In light of new information you may need to change your old expectations of what your husband can/will offer.
For the second that would be what you expect/desire from a relationship. You mentioned genuine affection, etc. I haven’t watched the videos but my gut take was that they were telling you as a straight spouse that you had to change your wants and needs to fit what was now on offer to you. That doesn’t sound at all fair. I can see evaluating your wants and needs (expectations) and deciding what for you works. Like maybe you expect xyz from a romantic relationship and need that to be met but come to decide that you are ok with that romantic relationship not being a marriage. Not sure if I’m making sense.
Guess I’m trying to say that just because someone cannot offer you something doesn’t mean you have to just stop needing/wanting it. Yeah you would stop expecting that specific person to offer it but you are still allow to want/need in general.
Silly comparison...say you really want tacos. You cannot expect McDonalds to give you tacos. It wouldn’t be fair to expect that from them. Doesn’t mean you are no longer allowed to want tacos. McDonalds can give you fries and maybe for you that is sufficient and tacos aren’t enough of a priority for you personally right now. McDonalds doesn’t get to tell you to just forget about tacos forever and you must stay at McDonalds and get whatever is served. Ok that seems to go off the rails a bit haha but hope you get what I am trying to say.
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Posted by SusanneH December 18, 2020 2:12 pm | #3 |
I haven’t watched the videos either, however I also continue to at least need affection. My husband isn’t romantic and never really has been. My first (late) husband wasn’t either and he was straight as an arrow. So, I’m pretty used to that, and told him I could take him not being romantic (no candlelit dinners, etc. I’m chronically ill anyway, and less is better for me in that regard anyway), but I really need affection. In fact, I told him it’s almost as necessary as breathing. ..well, almost 😉. And, like you, it seems forces when he does give it. It’s almost mainly after I’ve talked about it, and drops off until I bring it up again. ... sort of like other ‘nice’ things I tell him I like.
But, as far as other expectations, I would like them to be the same as they were before when I thought he was straight, such as love, kindness, regular sex (he's 69, getting toward 70, so a little less), the regular good stuff *he always does ALL the shopping as I'm too ill to do it* he's so good at helping me with, ...and, I'd like him to open up more. He's working on that. He's been to to therapists, but hasn't gotten one that's helped him with the things he's gone for yet.....so, on to the next one....
I’m at the being at McDonalds and the tacos aren’t a priority for me right now 🙃.
Good luck & Merry Christmas to everyone!
(((((HUGS))))
Last edited by SusanneH (December 18, 2020 2:18 pm)
