"..always, always at the back of my mind..."

Yes its good you have a therapist.   The fear, doubt, anxiety will wear on you..permeate everything.  We sometimes call it here "the elephant in the room".  Also called "waiting for the other shoe to drop".

These spouses do not understand and have no clue how their words, actions and revalation hurt us ...or they don't care.   There are no take backs to this (TGT).   

Continue to build your support system for you.
This is not your fault and you are not going crazy..you are not unkind or unsupportive.
I think you are seeing this is not some argument or disagreement he can apologize for..it a trauma...or it wouldn't be an issue 3 years later.

My husband basically told me the same a year ago... bi and asking permission for a FWB type situation. It most certainly is experienced as trauma, without a doubt. We have kids that are still in the home and we’ve been together nearly 30 years. We are still monogamous and I can’t see that changing. It’s a challenge, I’m not going to lie. I don’t think my husband would ever leave or cheat so I have that in my favor. Our communication is great, but there’s always room for improvement. I’m glad you’re seeking help. I do think the challenges/threat can be greater if they figure themselves out at a younger age. I’m happy to talk if you’d like. 

Hi ltb—I'm glad you found this place (but also sorry that you have to be here). I just wanted to say I understand how you're feeling. I'm not quite at the 2-year mark, but it's still hard. It doesn't help that there aren't many (any, really) happy stories out there on the Internet. For me, I think it's really the dishonesty...and the shattering of trust. I didn't find out until 8+ years + 1 small child into our relationship. It hit me like a freight train. Like you, I also struggle with reconciling my discomfort with this...but it's different when it's your partner and there's so much at stake.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Try to be as open and honest as you can (with her/her & yourself). Also, understand, it's OK to have boundaries in your relationship.

If it's still taking a toll on your mental health three years later, that probably isn't a good sign. I think sometimes it takes a long time for our hearts to catch up with our heads...and that gut feeling that tells us something isn't quite right.

Keep posting here...You're with people who get it. 
Take care <3
 

Last edited by Julian_Stone (December 19, 2020 10:00 pm)

The most significant reason it's "different" is that you are involved: you are his partner, and you have a shared life.  What he does has an impact on you that is far greater than anything a friend does.  

Looking at what you have written, that he has said he wants to remain monogamous, I would say that one boundary you could set that would ease your mind--or at least keep the news in the back of your mind rather than have it come rushing to the forefront--is to tell him that although you understand he is attracted to men as well as women the fact that you are monogamous and plan to stay that way means that you don't want to hear from him about his attractions to men, just as you don't want to hear about his attractions to other women.  People who are in exclusive relationships should be in the business of squelching their impulses of attraction to others, not discussing them with each other. 

  As your partner, he really ought not to be telling you who else--male or female!--he's attracted to.  To comment on the sexual attractiveness of others when he knows the anxiety his announcement has generated in you is thoughtless at best, and, at worst, manipulation intended to normalise his desire for others and groom you toward accepting his acting on it.  

 Another boundary you might take is to ask him to agree to not tell others before he tells you he intends to do this.  This shouldn't be onerous for him; most conversation we have with friends, after all, do not commonly include revelations about our sexual desires.  If he wants to come out to a close friend, it's not an onerous imposition to let you, his partner, know this ahead of time.  His agreeing to this request would demonstrate that he understands and respects your anxiety, and wants to be considerate of your feelings.  As is, you're getting hit out of the blue--"oh, by the way, I told [Charles] about my bisexuality"--which keeps you constantly on alert (and your cortisol levels high).  

  The one thing you can be sure of is that however much you wish it "would all go away," it won't.  (I know from experience how much one can wish this!)  His desire for men will not go away.  You have spent a full 50% of your relationship feeling traumatized, and by your admission even before his disclosure "communication wasn't "great in general."   In the end, only you can decide whether life in a relationship in which your partner's attraction to men is always in the back of not only your mind, but his, is acceptable to you. 
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 22, 2020 7:03 am)