Posted by Sage  December 18, 2020 12:43 am | #1 |
Hello I have been married 27 years I have a 17 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. My husband recently shared that he is gender fluid, what he means by that is that he intends on being a woman some of the time. I was shocked, scared and I grieved for a few weeks about the husband who i thought I had, is no longer. He told me a year ago that he liked to cross dress, which he did when I wasnt home and I didnt want to know about it. I am happy that my husband can now be who he is, however I do not want to be with a woman so I find it very upsetting.
I have had very little interest in having sex with him for many years and have a sense of no libido.He is a great person, makes me laugh, however I am really uncomfortable when he wears nail polish and feminine pants. I peeked into his part of our shared closet today and found alsorts of female clothes, so many! I have asked him not to wear womans clothes at home and at the same time I dont want him to be constrained. I want for him ultimately to be self expressed and who he believes he is. I wonder if it is something I can get used to however I really dont want to. I asked him if he would ever consider surgery or hormones and he told me that he wouldnt want to harm himself but did say having boobs would be fun!. He did share that he went for a consultation to have his hair removed from his face which I was so sruprised about and disappointed as I love his stubble. I feel that if he was transgender it would be so much easier as I would be clear that I could not be with that. I am currently just being with what there is, not making any quick decisions. I am exploring different therapists, we in the last week have moved into seperate bedrooms. I dont know what the future holds and I am trying not to plan and figure it out, but stand in a place of love and compassion for my husband while standing in a place of power for myself. Maybe we will stay together, may be we wont, maybe it doesnt have to be so black and white, maybe we can create a way of living together that works for both. I guess there are allsorts of possibilitys out there that I dont even know about in the world of not knowing what I dont know!. At the same time I am not sure I want to be on a journey that might change in 2, 5 10 years from now. I havent seen many gender fluid posts if any, please reach out to me if you or your spouse fits that category for guidance and support. Many thanks to all of you here
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Posted by Zenobia December 18, 2020 11:58 am | #2 |
Sage so sorry you are hurting but glad you have done so much to set boundaries, seek help, and found this group.
Not sure if it helps but my spouse declared intent to be a woman this Spring but there were several escalating stages before that. They never said gender fluid but the stage before the current one seems like it would be termed that. They would call the times when I and our child were away as “<female name> Time” where they would dress. Outside of that they still wore women’s bra and underwear. Special occasion cards started to be signed with both names and now that it has change to just the new name there have been no cards. During each escalating stage I increased in discomfort but similar to how you mentioned I did not want to try and dictate what another can do or suppress them.
It sounds like you have done well to work on assessing where your boundaries are and trying to express them. I shut down and made bad assumptions that my body language said enough and then found myself in a spot where my spouse is surprised that I’m not comfortable with things and upset that I never said out loud I was hetero.
All that to say, yes yes yes do stand in your power and know you can be compassionate towards a person and at the same time not obligated to remain in the same relationship with them if that is no longer what works for you. I can see what you mean about the fluidity making it difficult for you since there is no resting spot for you to focus on. That is an incredibly difficult spot to put you in.
I think I’ve seen a few other in the fluid situation but you are right that I don’t think there have been many here. Please know there is support here even from those not in the exact same situation. Seems some in the transgender spouse situation saw things escalate over time so there is that fluid spot we’ve been through. It has been tough but not being alone has helped.
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Posted by Sage December 18, 2020 12:02 pm | #3 |
Thanks Zenobia for sharing your own similar yet different situation. I hope you are finding some peace and comfort where you are now. Look forward to being a part of this group
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Posted by Zenobia December 18, 2020 12:16 pm | #4 |
Sage I meant to also ask how the kids are doing. I’ve no experience with how this is handled with teens as mine is under 6. I think there are others here with kids that age also.
There are some excellent posts from OutOfHisCloset with many resources.
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Posted by Sage December 18, 2020 4:23 pm | #5 |
Our daughter knows and is glad that he gets to be who he is, my husband has yet to share with our son. Thanks I will check out those posts, much appreciated.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset December 18, 2020 4:47 pm | #6 |
What you say rings a lot of bells for me, because in 2015 I was exactly where you are now, caught between two conflicting and irresolvable pressures. On the one hand, you love your spouse and want him to be happy by expressing this desire of his to dress in women's clothes while acting out his alter ego. On the other hand, his doing it makes you very uncomfortable, and you don't want to have anything to do with it. And you are wondering if there's a compromise position that will enable you to stay together.
The only way to arrive at a compromise position is for both of you to negotiate, and to care about the other's feelings. You obviously care about your husband's feelings. Let me ask you, however, what is your husband's position on your desire to have a male husband with male physical attributes and who is heterosexual (whether or not you are having sex).
From what you say, it doesn't look promising, because I don't see your husband giving any thought to your feelings. Your husband is currently upping the ante. He started out telling you he's a cross dresser who cross dresses when you aren't there. Now he's given what he feels a new name--"gender fluid"--and wants not just to wear women's clothes when you're not around, but is going to act as a woman "some of the time." You can expect this redefinition of himself to continue as he wades deeper and deeper into the transgender pool, and indeed, he has already given you a hint of what he wants: "boobs." He's also shown you what to expect from him: unilateral action, regardless of how you feel. He has "informed" you he's going to start living as a woman part of the time. He has had a consultation for hair removal without telling you.
My advice is to listen to your discomfort. You are absolutely right to be concerned about changing goalposts and an unsettled future. My ex used to tell me he couldn't promise he wouldn't change his mind about alterations to his body (he wanted to take female hormones and have his testicles removed, but backed off, for the time being). I found living with that uncertainty damaging to my mental and physical health.
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Posted by Sage December 18, 2020 5:02 pm | #7 |
Thank you so much for your sharing and telling me how you believe it is, I very much appreciate that. Your experience is perhaps influencing your view and understandably it would. Everyone is unique and for now I will live with what there is, continuing to communicate my experiences what feels right and what I can create, listen to what is occurring for him and what we can agree on irrespective of whether we are together or apart in the future. Again i really appreciate you taking the time to share to understand your lived experience
