Posted by Julian_Stone  December 16, 2020 7:05 pm | #1 |
I came across this article during one of my early "Is my husband gay?" Google binges. This woman's resilience is astounding. I still think of her sometimes...and hope she's found love again...(but...you know...with a straight man this time around!)
https://www.todaysparent.com/family/family-life/how-helping-my-husband-discover-hes-gay-helped-me-let-go/
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Posted by Rob December 17, 2020 7:57 am | #2 |
I did not like the story..or rather she seems a Saint we all hope to be..It is clearly written years later after she has healed...it had that feeling of a brag letter you get at christmas; i.e. the kids are thriving...my gay husband is doing great.
It just seems so selfless in describing her journey...all about him..like he was blameless.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by ThisTooShallPass December 17, 2020 10:48 am | #3 |
I read this story early in my journey too.
Like Rob, I don't particularly like it. It made me sad for her. I felt like she minimized her own pain.
I also don't believe she helped him "discover" he was gay. He knew. His ultimatum said it all. Let me date men or I leave you for it anyway...because that was ultimately what he wanted. What she did was hold on to some false hope that he'd realize he loved her more than whatever he was doing...but she was really just helping him figure out how to get comfortable in the gay world, how to step out of his closet, how to shed his beard, and all at her expense. She got nothing from their arrangement. She extended all of the pain by years, only to end up in the same place, with the divorce she wanted to avoid.
My husband's therapist said he has worked with a lot of couples like this--and that there are some men who DO come back to their wives, saying that they don't want that (gay) lifestyle. The cynic in me struggles to believe it. But at the same time, my sister and I both joke that the LGBTQ world will eat my husband alive, and he'd be the type to run back because he's scared of it.
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Posted by Julian_Stone December 17, 2020 10:54 am | #4 |
I agree, Rob....It was probably written years later. I was furious at the husband reading this story....What the wife described as the "stretchiness of love" felt more like trauma coercion to me.
This part really got to me: "Those first few times he met his friend, I had what I can only describe as out-of-body experiences. Women in online support groups (Making Mixed-Orientation Marriages Work, Alternate Path, New Normal Facebook—I joined them all) suggested that I do something for myself on those nights, such as meet up with friends or book a massage..."
It's hard to imagine there's this online universe out there where women are telling other women to "get a massage" while their husbands are out having sex with strangers they met on the Internet.
Last edited by Julian_Stone (December 17, 2020 2:57 pm)
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Posted by OutofHisCloset December 17, 2020 11:26 am | #5 |
Here's the other things about such stories: stories like that are the ones that get published. The stories we tell are not. The stories we tell are characterized as "unsupportive," "bitter," or even homo/transphobic. I think of it as cultural white-washing, with the magazines doing the ideological work.
In that story, the wife's characterization of her role is an example of what I mean when I write here in this Forum that we are endlessly capable of rationalizing our own self-destructive choices.
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Posted by Julian_Stone December 17, 2020 11:30 am | #6 |
ThisTooShallPass wrote:
I also don't believe she helped him "discover" he was gay. He knew. His ultimatum said it all. Let me date men or I leave you for it anyway...because that was ultimately what he wanted.
100% agree. Most likely, he already found "the other guy" before he even told her he was attracted to other men. I read something the other day: "When your partner asks you for an open relationship, there's a good chance you're already in one."
What she did was hold on to some false hope that he'd realize he loved her more than whatever he was doing...but she was really just helping him figure out how to get comfortable in the gay world, how to step out of his closet, how to shed his beard, and all at her expense. She got nothing from their arrangement. She extended all of the pain by years, only to end up in the same place, with the divorce she wanted to avoid.
Yes, I imagine this is often the case when a straight spouse agrees to let their partner have a "special friend." I felt really sad for her, too. I can't imagine going through this with three young children (including a one-year old!) I think she was probably trying to mitigate as much damage (to their children) as possible.
Last edited by Julian_Stone (December 17, 2020 3:02 pm)
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Posted by Julian_Stone December 17, 2020 11:58 am | #7 |
Here's the other things about such stories: stories like that are the ones that get published. The stories we tell are not. The stories we tell are characterized as "unsupportive," "bitter," or even homo/transphobic. I think of it as cultural white-washing, with the magazines doing the ideological work.
When the Guardian published this story last year, I made the mistake of reading the comments section on their social media page. Over half were from people who were angry that one of the straight spouses said she "didn't believe in bisexuality" and believed her spouse was gay. Her husband told her he wasn't attracted to her, had feelings for other men, and jetted off to the Caribbean with his male lover the next day—and people were furious over what they called "bi-erasure."
Last edited by Julian_Stone (December 17, 2020 2:44 pm)
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Posted by Rob December 17, 2020 3:23 pm | #8 |
So maybe we can call it what it is
..Stockholm Syndrome or insane loyalty.
So she's home taking care of 3 young kids while he's out meeting men.
Supporting him also as a wife should..
But in the end the hurt becomes too much and they have to divorce.
I can say I had insane loyalty... I played the "pick me" dance for maybe a couple of weeks.. but I could feel in my bones the hurt and that what she was doing was wrong. The discard and pure rejection was not right.
As we divorced there were several times when my GX looked to and depended on that insane loyalty I had throughout the marriage to solve problems.. problems that she had now created...ie. where will she live? Much of her rage and abuse came when I stopped solving these problems for her. It was mind boggling ..her sense of entitlement..that she could pursue a gay affair, take money away from the children, scream at me etc... And then, based our friendship or honor (that she clearly did follow) I was supposed to remain the loyal problem solving husband.
No, my loyalty ended not when she cheated and became gay but when she just couldn't stop hurting me.
Its an amazing read though.. this story..
How she helped her husband. I wonder who helped her.
Last edited by Rob (December 17, 2020 3:28 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by Julian_Stone December 17, 2020 3:59 pm | #9 |
But in the end the hurt becomes too much and they have to divorce.
Its an amazing read though.. this story..
How she helped her husband. I wonder who helped her.
I get the sense that the woman in this story would have kept going on with that painful arrangement indefinitely (to keep the family intact). The husband didn't seem bothered at all that he was hurting her, his wife and mother of his children. Most likely, his male lover gave him an ultimatum: Divorce or we're over.
Incredibly sad story all around.
Last edited by Julian_Stone (December 17, 2020 6:11 pm)
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz December 17, 2020 8:33 pm | #10 |
... Wow, just wow. Often I've wished I could open up a conversation with my partner of 36 years, and be the one to say "go forth and experiment, find out who you want to be because it just might make the situation a bit clearer, for both of us. But I just can't. Can't be the one to say I'm okay with it, don't wish to be the one to give him 'permission'. He fed me lies, he gaslit the fuck out of the situation so that any giving in by me just seems wrong! I want him to come to me and admit to me he can't stand this anymore. This Mindfuck... because we're both doing it. I can admit that, and I don't care that my life will never be the same ever again. As long as I don't have to have sex with him anymore... I'll keep this pretense up.
Elle
KIA KAHA
