Well it’s the first night I haven’t cried myself to the point of vomiting. I’m hoping this is a sign of acceptance but I can’t know for sure, my emotions are still wild... and numb... then out of control again.
I’ve been with my husband for six years, married for two. (Backstory>) he was diagnosed with cluster headaches this year (finally) and was getting the help he needed. All year he’d been in and out of cycles and any sense of normalcy had just gone out the window. I knew he was suffering and I couldn’t do anything about it. This condition is debilitating and so I was holding us together whilst falling apart myself. Good news- we’ve cured them with alternative medicine. It’s been very freeing, we had the ability to enjoy each other again. This man is my fucking soul mate and I was so damn happy.
The other morning I was allowing myself to be fully enveloped my this new feeling of normalcy and sweetly and patiently waking him. And the first words from his mouth weren’t, good morning or I love you. “I’m bi.”
We’re a very fun loving couple and always tease, but I stopped, “what?... wait are you joking???” He almost laughs and says no. I’m sure you all know the jarring, heart stopping feeling. I was confused, I still am. I almost immediately start crying; literally like an infant who’s been startled. I barely remember the conversation that came after that anymore. All I know is I didn’t want to hurt him so I did the best I could to be comforting when my reaction was not.
My latest thoughts have been, I didn’t know before the value I had in his identity being a straight man, he claims this is a fresh realization; how, and the most heartbreaking, am I still attracted to him? I feel like a piece of shit because I can very naturally accept others’ diverse sexuality, but I am finding it so difficult to accept my very best friend’s. I feel anger, grief, betrayal, confusion, resentment.... confusion.
Last night I couldn’t get tired. I was researching and just not finding the answers I wanted and it resulted in having a full blown anxiety attack crying so hard I was dry heaving and couldn’t see when I woke up this afternoon. Anyway, my husband woke up at the beginning of it and was still the supportive man I fell in love with but we had earth shattering discussion. Excerpts include, “you are the only person I want to be with, I cannot imagine my life without you but I can’t live with someone who doesn’t accept me,” “baby, I’m a straight woman, attracted to straight you and I don't understand what this means for me.” What if I can’t accept it? I was raised a Christian, though I don’t affiliate with that belief system anymore, some of my core beliefs still stem from that, being; “woman is the crown of gods creation.” I’m not that pretentious but who can better appreciate my sexuality than a straight man? He’s always made me feel so special and like a freakin woman, but suddenly I don’t feel enough. I fear that he’s discovered this about himself later than he should have (obviously for the sake of being in a monogamous straight relationship) and hasn't explored this part of himself enough. I mean for fucks sake guys, we lost our virginity to each other.
Yesterday and today, I’ve just been distant. Not purposely, but I’m overstimulated by any touch especially his, and want to be alone. I can barely look at him without seeing a gay man. I don’t recognize him and I feel that I have to get to know him all over again??? I don’t want to grow distant, I don’t want to be with anyone else, neither does he. That, he’s attempted to make very clear to me.
I need to figure this out I need to be able to accept him. He says he doesn’t want anything to change, and that he just feels that he can finally love and accept himself. I love that for him, he’s suffered from depression and has had a history of being suicidal, so of course this should be something to celebrate. But I’m broken. I keep reminding myself, he’s not gay pull it together, but I feel like my whole god damn reality is twisted up.
Please help me. We have to make it through this. Sometimes I’m okay with it, sometimes (I’m dead serious) I want to fucking escape to a new country and start a new life. It’s overwhelming information. My husband isn’t who I thought he was. Or is he??? Fuck this.
How do I regain my confidence in my sexuality with him? So many fears and questions. My future was clear and now I don’t know what to think or feel or say. Do I allow myself to feel the anger and resentment and grief or will that stray me from the road I really want to be on?