Posted by MyExodus  December 12, 2020 12:16 pm | #1 |
Rob has spoken many times here about how he would just shake from the trauma of it all. I have noticed myself beginning to tremble. I had hoped for a vaccine, my girls going away to be spoiled by aunties on summer break,my husband and I being able to sit down alone to figure it all out amicably before our daughter's came home, my late brother's house being put in my name by then and my getting back to work; but that doesn't appear to be God's plan for me. I will be filing for the divorce, as advised by the divorce and estate attorneys, in the next month or so, praying for after the New Year!!! This is not my timeline; it's God's. I am in His hands now.
I type this with tears streaming down my face. I know you all can feel them too. This is so overwhelming that this reality is my life. I just posted my story. I told my therapist yesterday that I sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure it's all real. Is this all just a bad dream? Am I going to wake up in bed next to the kind, loving, honest, respectable man who will be a great father and realize this is just the third day of our homeymoon??? No! This is real and I can't grasp that I have lived like this for 22 years. I feel like I' m packing for the most amazing, beautiful, exciting, adventurous trip; I just don't know where I'm going. How terrifying and exciting all at once. Hence the shaking.
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Posted by SusanneH December 12, 2020 1:06 pm | #2 |
MyExodus,
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I can feel the tears 😭. So many of us straightspouses worry about the same thing happening to us. I worry about it most days, and it’s wearing on me, too
Will you be moving into your late brother’s house? If so, I do hope it is the most amazing, beautiful, exciting, adventurous trip 😊. I know it won’t be that easy, but perhaps you can look forward to things like ...oh, say peace of mind (that would be what I’d be looking forward to right now), being able to do what you want without someone second guessing you (or whatever type of things like that y’all might have), and more independence for yourself.
I wish you the best of luck. Things will get better & I sure hope the shaking stops soon! 😉
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Posted by OutofHisCloset December 12, 2020 1:12 pm | #3 |
MyExodus,
I read your story. Much of your experience resonates with me, from the feeling that what you're experiencing, what you've discovered after so many years of marriage, can't be real, to the red flags not understood as red flags because we were being duped and lied to, to our own willingness to whitewash over problems because we didn't know that our marriages were not fixable. I, too, was lied to at a crucial moment, and, in the end, it was my ex's continuing dishonesty, and his absolute willingness to do what he wanted to do, regardless of how that affected me and our son, and to do it at our expense, that was the final straw. From the stories I've read here, I don't think that's an uncommon reaction.
I left my marriage and my home not quite three years ago. It is so very hard to make the decision to leave. It takes strength and courage, yes, but it also takes faith: faith that life will be better without the lies and the pain of living in a situation that is soul-killing; faith that you can ask for and find the help you need when you need it to be equal to the task of rebuilding your life.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 12, 2020 1:14 pm)
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Posted by Rob December 15, 2020 3:53 pm | #4 |
MyExodus,
Read your story.
I will say you should go back later and rewrite..that is not who you are.
I see in your story a loyal and forgiving spouse. I see someone who tried more than ever.
In the beginning I would physically shake when she went out with her girlfriend and I knew what she was doing..the hurt, the disloyalty, the not making sense (she said she loved me). My mind could not make sense of it but my body could feel the cruel hurt.
I reccommend you to see a psychiatrist or doctor for anti depressants ..the doctor can also prescribed something for the shaking. I can tell you alcohol helps a tiny bit for the shaking but is is short lived.
Taking something is not forever..it is help and strength for a trying time.
And we all know these spouse are not going to help us.
Know that we deserve so much more. We are more than these spouses can ever comphrehend.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by MyExodus December 16, 2020 1:33 pm | #5 |
Many thanks to you all for your support. It is so needed right now. I'm so grateful for this website. I can see ahead and it's going to be beautiful at some point; but the lows are soooo horribly low. I go for drive's to an area where there are no people and I just rage and scream until I lose my voice. Rob, you are so right. This is not who I am.
SusanneH, my brother passed away just as we were going into lockdown in March. He was the last of my immediate family; so, yes I will be inheriting the house and living here, I believe, very soon. I am at my brother's house right now "cleaning it out." What my husband doesn't realize is that I know where my bed is going to go here and that our daughter's will each have their own room here. They will be thrilled about that. I have such hope for an authentic life here; that's what gets me through. It's all God's timing!
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Posted by SusanneH December 16, 2020 1:47 pm | #6 |
MyExodus wrote:
Many thanks to you all for your support. It is so needed right now. I'm so grateful for this website. I can see ahead and it's going to be beautiful at some point; but the lows are soooo horribly low. I go for drive's to an area where there are no people and I just rage and scream until I lose my voice.
SusanneH, my brother passed away just as we were going into lockdown in March. He was the last of my immediate family; so, yes I will be inheriting the house and living here, I believe, very soon. I am at my brother's house right now "cleaning it out." What my husband doesn't realize is that I know where my bed is going to go here and that our daughter's will each have their own room here. They will be thrilled about that. I have such hope for an authentic life here; that's what gets me through. It's all God's timing!
I also went for rides and raged and screamed, so I sure understand that!
Looks like you’ve got a good plan. Best of luck in your home. I’m also sorry about your brother.
Peace and ((((HUGS))))
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Posted by Rob December 16, 2020 4:40 pm | #7 |
Thumbs up on your plan.
I used to drive around looking at houses. I live in the family home now but the drives helped me put things in perspective.
I'm doing well and my kids are doing well. I have a safe authentic life now and thank God everyday from getting me away from such a horrible person.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
