Colorado Dad, 
I just wanted to say this is a new part of the grieving process of the dissolution of your marriage, good days, bad days, confident days and frightening "I want to hide days and I will never be right again"
I am not quite where you are yet with my Husband but will be soon . I am previously divorced from a straight man who had affairs but I have to say this whole different mind trauma  of questions and confusion and mixed feelings ..-why , why,?? .It is  almost like I have to "graciously" accept that he is Gay or bisexual ( his labels change frequently) and that he is somewhat more of a victim that I (because of being a slave to his sexuality all his life , oh the trauma of hiding etc etc )
This is a whole CRAZY world that I never thought I would be entangled in and it is mentally damaging- make sure you have support - either friends or therapist or just vent here..
And ,unfortunately as other posters have rightly said ( which I didnt believe for a Loooong time !)  , these former GID spouses ARE master manipulators/liars and very deceitful- THEY come first in their minds, the fact that your wife  rekindled an attempted romance with you ( as mine did) knowing that this is not who they really are seems to be a typical pattern 
Yes I'm sure she's supportive of you but don't mistake that for anything genuine from her, shes doing damage limitation , feel your anger, cry  and always remember THIS TOO SHALL PASS my friend 

Ok, I have to push back. I understand we're all at different phases of this process and that we all have different experiences and come from different relationships, but for my own peace of mind I can't let people say my spouse lied, was manipulative, never felt romantic about me, or that the 20 years of our relationship were anything less than true. I am not, in any way, discounting anyone else's experiences in their relationships, and maybe I'm still naive and my view about mine will change over time, but I genuinely believe this has been a recent process of discovery for her, that she has been honest and respectful about the timeline and desire to end the romantic relationship with me before starting one with her new partner, and honest about how her relationship with a long-time family friend developed into a romantic one. This isn't a different person than I married. She's no less honest, respectful, kind, or thoughtful. Her wants and needs changed over time, as all of ours have over the past 20 years, and she's realized she has to take a different path. It's difficult for me to process the loss of the future I envisioned and that it's no longer me that lights her up, which is why I'm here, but I have no cause to speak or think ill of my spouse and can't just stand by as others do. 

I want to add if the new person in your ex-wife’s life was a man there were be far less speculation that she was with others all along. Many people posting here are jaded and rightfully so given their situations, but that doesn’t make it right for you to bare the brunt of their hurt and frustration. 

Hi CD—It's understandable that you're feeling lonely & heartbroken. There's no playbook for this sort of thing...Even in the best of scenarios, it's still incredibly sad. I think it's great that you have a friendly relationship with your (ex)wife...but, understand that anger is often a natural part of the grieving process—and it may hit you when you least expect it. That's normal—and OK. Twenty years is a really long time...You're not going to detach with (romantic) love overnight...but it will happen. 

I read your original post, and it seems like you're blaming yourself a bit. Please know: There's *nothing* you could have done to prevent this. Do you have someone you can talk to? A therapist or close friend? I think Daryl's advice is really good...You really need to focus on yourself now—maybe find new hobbies (or revisit old ones)...Maybe even meet new friends with shared interests. I hear that Bumble is a good app for that (though I know things are really complicated now with the pandemic!) Exercise and meditation were also helpful to me in those first several dark weeks.

Take care—and keep posting! <3

Last edited by Julian_Stone (November 20, 2020 7:22 pm)

Hey ColoradoDad - I just want to speak up and say that my experience has been more like yours. The first 18 years of my 23 year marriage were really good in every way. My husband and I are separated for 2 months and we're both in EMDR Trauma therapy. He was sexually abused by more than one man as a child and sometimes an attraction to men later in life - especially when the trauma has not been treated -  is a compulsion to reenact and resolve the trauma, not gay identity.  Once you treat the trauma, the compulsion goes away, and then a man can figure out if he's is truly attracted to men (gay) or not. I'm willing to give him a chance to find out because we did have something really good for so long. Also, the person who abused him came up in his life again a few years ago, which may have triggered him. I realize after all the treatment he may be gay. And the divorce will continue. But, I have to find out. 
So all this is a way of me saying I believe that you and your wife/ex may have a good relationship. Gender and sexual fluidity is complicated.  I agree with other posts that sometimes (maybe even most of the time) the LGBT spouse has known for a long time and learned manipulation very well as a survival tactic. And, they can get better and better at it as they age. So, please be careful. If there is manipulation going on, she may not even realize she's doing it. I know my Husband has been very disassociated (living two lives in his head) for a couple of years because his brain has been manipulating him. He's been lying to himself and of course that leads to lying to others. He's making progress, and I'm seeing the person I married coming back. We just have to see what that person's sexual orientation really is. Just make sure to self-protect and have some emotional/physical boundaries (my ex and I live apart, see each other to talk but there's no romantic engagement). Good luck to you!