OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Sex is Sex....why is it different or okay because one is bisexual

**Posted by Sonata** November 2, 2020 11:04 pm

I am trying to understand and trying to have an open mind but really where I get stuck is the idea that my husband thinks the sex he had with a man is different than cheating with a woman. I mean, sex is sex.....

It's so weird to me that he has the wish to have sex with another man a couple times a year. For me, it's like saying "can I hurt you a couple of times a year?" I guess he didn't think it would hurt as much because it is "different." I know people say that for some sex is just sex with no emotional attachment, but call me old fashioned, I just don't believe there is sex without emotional repercussions. I just don't understand it.

So now, even though he has broken off contact with his lover and says he loves me and wants to stay married to me, he is sad and misses sex and friendship with him even though they rarely saw each other. Anyway, marriage to me is sex and friendship and commitment. I just don't understand open relationships. I guess it's just not for me.

He probably will never choose to leave me, so I will have to make all the decisions....not sure what to do. I am hoping it will all become clear over time.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 3, 2020 1:39 am

Men are simple creatures where sex is concerned, their heads are wired differently, and they aren't true to the same values as women. We love love, and sex is entwined, almost indistinguishable.
Men can separate love and sex.

My man said to me "I didn't think it would matter if I played with a man"

Sometimes they can be so fucking stupid

Elle

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** November 3, 2020 9:32 am

Regardless of emotional attachment, having sex with anyone outside of marriage is cheating, whether you're visiting prostitutes or getting it on with a "friend with benefits." Think about it: if it were just sexual release, he could masturbate. He's just rationalizing, something gay in denial men are very good at. Also, his mooning about is a manipulative tactic that is designed to make you feel you need to address his unhappiness by accommodating his desire to have sex with men.
What kind of husband discusses with his wife how awful he feels about not being able to have sex with his male partners? He is showing no regard for your feelings at all.

**Posted by Blue Bear** November 3, 2020 12:37 pm

With regard to Sonata's post, it's not whether your husband thinks it's cheating for him to bang a guy. What matters is whether you, Sonata, think it's cheating. And you think it is cheating (and you're right), so you have to decide whether your relationship with a cheating husband is acceptable to you.

As a card-carrying straight male, I disagree with Ellexoh on her summary of men, that "they aren't true to the same values as women" and are "simple creatures" who can "separate love and sex". A good straight dude will not see sex as a mere mechanical act -- it's far, far more than that for a normally wired straight dude who is with a straight woman.

**Posted by SusanneH** November 4, 2020 3:04 pm

Blue Bear wrote:
As a card-carrying straight male, I disagree with Ellexoh on her summary of men, that "they aren't true to the same values as women" and are "simple creatures" who can "separate love and sex". A good straight dude will not see sex as a mere mechanical act -- it's far, far more than that for a normally wired straight dude who is with a straight woman.

Blue Bear, WOW, I’ve apparently never met you. None of the men I ever knew ever thought this way. Good for you! I wish there were more like you out there!

And, Sonata, my husband tried to use that excuse at first, too. But, then he admitted he knew it was cheating all along. He just said that to me & to himself to justify what he was doing.

**Posted by lily** November 4, 2020 4:11 pm

Goodness! imo there are just as many narcissistic women as men. at least.

Recently I was reading this thing can't remember what it was but it was a support thing for abused women and there was this one lone voice there saying she had been abused by another woman and finally saying if the site could not acknowledge women could be abusive then it was not a safe place for anyone.

**Posted by Blue Bear** November 4, 2020 5:04 pm

I'm nothing special. Just a straight dude, and there are lots of us.

Sex with our gay in-denial spouses royally messed with our heads. Sex between straight partners is a totally different technicolor, IMAX, 3-D surround sound experience.

**Posted by TangledOil** November 4, 2020 6:30 pm

Hi Sonata,

My husband is pretty darn conservative in this thought process. He is often disgusted when he hears of people having affairs. He hasn't cheated. He didn’t want to do that so he asked if I’d be okay with him getting together with one particular old friend a couple times a year for some sort of friendship and sexual exploration. I said no, I can’t be okay with that and he understands completely, but I still at times feel crappy for having been out in the position where I needed to even say no. This friend of his is someone he hasn’t seen in over 30 years and they did mutual masterbation a few times back then and nothing more. My husband saw it as different because of the man (not woman) thing too. Men 🙄.... anyway, I told him if it was a detached penis (maybe a dildo) I’m fine with it. Unfortunately most penises are attached to human beings and I sure as hell don’t want another human being in our relationship.

Last edited by TangledOil (November 4, 2020 7:39 pm)

**Posted by Sonata** November 5, 2020 8:38 pm

Thank you Tangled Oil, Blue Bear, Lily, Susanne, Out of His Closet and Ellehox....

I really appreciate your responses. They give me food for thought. I think you are right, all of you. Cheating is cheating and I really don't care who it's with. So, we are stuck right now and may never be okay again. Life's a bitch sometimes. I know I will be okay....just gotta wade through all this.... It helps to be able to talk here.

**Posted by Blue Bear** November 9, 2020 10:47 am

Sonata: My suggestion is that you meet with a lawyer soon (even a 1 hour complimentary or reduced-cost consultation) to understand your options. Go in with your financial paperwork, debts/assets, tax returns, etc. Understanding what the "after" picture could look like is often helpful, even if you aren't quite ready yet.