OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / The hits just keep coming - liability?

**Posted by MelanieElizabeth** October 23, 2020 8:55 am

Just needed to reach out to people who I know will understand. It was hard enough when my husband of 23 years came out to me on July 13th. But this week I found out he's moved in with someone he's been seeing for a year. I'm also discovering now that he's been living a double life for several years now - reckless and compulsive sexual behavior. I'm worried more now about our finances and whether he's been threatened or extorted by any one of these men he's been with. He is a professor at a major university, married, and still largely in the closet (professionally). He's been so emotionally unstable (I've felt for years like I was living with a crazy person) that I now worry what other "bombs" are going to explode and impact me before I can get this divorce final. My lawyer says the sooner the better so I have no liability if he gets sued, etc.
Has anyone else dealt with this aspect of the process??

**Posted by Blue Bear** October 23, 2020 9:42 am

This is tough stuff. A lot of our gay spouses begin to confront their buried sexuality in the context of a same-sex affair. My ex-wife was a nightmare to live with the year before D-Day -- secret trips with the ex-girlfriend, emergency patient calls at the hospital (she's a doctor) that were actually booty calls, etc. Wreckless behavior (mostly drinking) that you would not believe.

If your husband is financially supporting a boyfriend, ask your attorney whether you can pursue "marital waste", i.e., marital funds being spent on a non-marital purpose. You should be able to obtain full access to all of his financial records while the divorce is pending to unscramble what he's been doing.

Good luck.

**Posted by SusanneH** October 23, 2020 9:45 am

Melanie,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Personally, I’m not in a position to help you , but I wanted to reach out & let you know you’re in the right place & there will be others who will respond that have experiences that can help you.

Best of luck with everything. The only thing I have to contribute is just to make sure you have been tested for STI’s.

Other than that, others will help.

((((((HUGS)))))

**Posted by MelanieElizabeth** October 23, 2020 12:53 pm

Blue Bear - Thanks so much for the advice on "marital waste." She's looking into a few things but I'll shoot her an email on this specifically. I believe something is going on with money somewhere. I was in charge of the money before he left a few weeks ago, so I know he wasn't funneling anything out of the bank accounts. But, he makes over 120,000.00 a year and is acting like he's poor (70% of the household income). Makes me think the guy he's with is pressuring him to get everything he can in the divorce. Unfortunately, I'm in a community property state (how unfair is that by the way). I make less than half of what he does, I have chronic pain issues, can't even afford all my rehab on my own (not to mention 600.00 a month for mental therapy since he came out). But he can walk away with half the house. It's just unbearably cruel.
Thanks again for the advice.

**Posted by MelanieElizabeth** October 23, 2020 12:54 pm

Thanks Susanne - Luckily, we haven't had a physical relationship in 2 years. I thought it was because of my chronic pain issues, until he came out. But, at least I don't have to worry about that.
Thanks for the HUGS and support!!

**Posted by Rob** October 23, 2020 7:07 pm

MelanieElizabeth
Just remember hes entitled to half the house..hes also entitled to half the debt.

Last edited by Rob (October 23, 2020 7:08 pm)

**Posted by Leslie77** October 24, 2020 6:16 am

MelanieElizabeth,
Some suggestions:
- Close out or lock any joint charge accounts you have with him. Right away.
- Make copies of your bank statements and keep them in a safe place. That way you will have proof if he suddenly starts draining the account.
- Make a list of any employer he has ever had during your marriage. He might have retirement accounts that you don't know about. Your attorney will know how to do a search.
- Ask your lawyer about inserting language in the divorce agreement that he will be 100% liable for any future issues due to tax audits and/or personal lawsuits.
- If your earnings are substantially lower than his and you have health issues, you may be entitled to alimony. Ask your lawyer.
This is all very painful (I know, I have been through it) and I wish you all the best.

**Posted by MelanieElizabeth** October 25, 2020 9:20 am

Thanks so much Leslie for the advice. I'll check into all these and talk to my lawyer.