JoeC wrote:

9 months ago I had the you are gay and this marriage is not going to work moving forward confrontation conversation with my exwife. She was gay, always had been, used the "Im Bi" to avoid the reality of who she was. We had been married for nearly 20 years. This was the last place I expected to be at 43 years old. I was looking for a road map of sorts to help me make sense of my path forward.  Feel free to message me for conversation.

There's no real roadmap as not all of our situations are the same (although similarities may abound). Even time frames are not carved in stone. This is a lot more like the grieving process. It has overlapping stages of denial, sadness, anger, etc. Eventually it hurts less, you take a more "if I only knew" view of things and so on. To get there you need to let go. It doesn't mean you're OK with what happened, just that you're no longer going to let that past define your future. You say ex-wife so I'm assuming this means you have divorced. If you're ready, I'd suggest stepping into something that interests you. Granted that might be harder to do during a pandemic but maybe there's some online ways to get started? Become part of a community of people with a shared interest. Also I hope you have someone you can talk to about the realities of what you have experienced. It really does help when you have a trusted person who knows how to listen.

Hope something here is of value to you.
 

Dutchman wrote:

@TakenBySurprise:
The situation with a transgender person is a totally different situation than a LGB person. So how do you know what's good advice in this?

@JoeC
There are important differences between someone suddenly discovering one's sexual orientation, and spouses who were aware all along, but consciously hiding these feelings for years (in some level of denial and/or were closeted).

It's not useful when important differences are ignored and every situation is considered and handled like a one-size-fits-all case.

The reason I write this post is that Guywithlesbian's background story is near identical to my/our owns. It's close to my heart, I've been there and certainly know what I'm talking about.
It's not about denial nor lying and intentionally leading somebody on. It's not like many "standard stories" and certainly not about transgender issues.

If a woman, after many years in marriage, discovers she actually is lesbian, it's to be expected she's totally ecstatic, emotions go of the charts. What else do you expect how it is for someone when this happens?
She's feeling what she should have felt in the relation for 20 years, and now she realizes it! Falling in love, a whole new world of feelings opening up. A new way of looking into the world. Also having the answer why sexuality and physical attraction in the marriage with her husband didn't was what is was supposed to be.
This all is certainly a major event. As a consequence she's not thinking rationally, which is understandable. And also the reason the straight spouse has an important role to try to be (something) like a rock in this turmoil.
How it turns out, nobody can know, it depends on the personality of the persons involved and the choices they make.
That's decisive in any MOM situation, but certainly the one described in this topic, where critically important choices are to be made in a very tumultuous setting.

Point is: I hope I made clear this is NOT comparable to a lot of other's situations, simply because it's also about a gay person in a straight marriage.

And it's by no means my intention to downplay the importance and/or impact of the personal experiences of TakenBySurprise or JoeC. Let that be clear also! 

I know the advice not to leave the house is good because I'm an attorney.  Whatever else he chooses to do about how his marriage should or should not continue is, of course, completely up to him.  But legally, it's not smart to move out of the house from the perspective of asset division or child custody.  

TakenBySurprise wrote:

I know the advice not to leave the house is good because I'm an attorney.  Whatever else he chooses to do about how his marriage should or should not continue is, of course, completely up to him.  But legally, it's not smart to move out of the house from the perspective of asset division or child custody.  

Okay. The scope of your reply is much more clear by that. 

It's all about feelings Dutchman.  It's good you're sorry for offending anyone, that's good enough for me.  
 

Thank you, Whirligig.  I'm pretty broken down from dealing with the performative, controlling lesbian in denial wife that I thought was my partner.  I have given everything I could, and as Popeye might say "I can't stands no more!"

The straight spouse should only have the role of healing the straight spouse from the years of control games, gaslighting, and narcissistic emotional abuse that was their marriage.