OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / New - want to regain confidence

**Posted by Stronger** September 2, 2020 12:12 pm

Hi. I am new to this world, having discovered a bag full of dildos, scanty underwear and other things hiding in the back of my husband’s car. Originally, having this conversation with him was such a relief but now I find that I am having a hard time every day. We have been together for 25 years and I just didn’t see this coming. I want to make it work but I am struggling.

He has seen a therapist and worked through his own feelings with his sexuality. I found everything out just a few days before covid locked the world down. Oddly enough, the relief made me feel like we can do this. We had not been sexually active for years, something I thought was on me because I was scared after childbirth. Now I find that I want to have sex with him and please him and he says he wants that too but he gets quiet and seems to push back from me. He has only told a few people that he thinks he is bi (I think he is actually gay).

He likes to “entertain himself” using dildos, poppers, etc. I find that I am super resentful of this. He also likes to text with a friend of his and “live out his fantasies.” - So far, he has not actually been with another man.

How do I master my own feelings and emotions, regain the strength and confidence I once had, and move forward?

Thank you. I am very glad to have found this group.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** September 2, 2020 12:22 pm

Sorry you need to be here. The shock of the discovery (or the disclosure), as well as the relief that comes after having "the conversation" is well known to us, even part of the process. Part of the process is often also the feeling that now that you know and your spouse has shared the truth, you are well positioned to move forward with the marriage. Unfortunately, that feeling often doesn't--can't--last, because we haven't yet incorporated the fact that our spouse does not see things the way we do. Sometimes for our spouses the secret coming out makes them want to act on their sexual orientation, and they believe that because we now know the truth, we should support that.

I'm sure you'll get a range of responses, both here and in the MOM section. I will tell you straight up that my immediate reaction to your question, "How do I master my own feelings and emotions, regain that strength and confidence I once had, and move forward?: was "Leave."

**Posted by Rob** September 2, 2020 8:14 pm

Stronger,

Well when your spouse physically pushes you away and rejects you it hurts...a lot. That he wants to even talk with his friend and use his toys instead of being with you says a whole lot.

We should not have to do the "pick me dance". Who made him a God that can physically reject you and you must beg? That will kill anyone's self esteem. That is not a spouse let alone even a good friend.

This is not us leaving them...this is them rejecting us.

Our confidence returns when we realize we are worth more than they can ever comprehend.

Last edited by Rob (September 2, 2020 8:23 pm)

**Posted by walkbymyself** September 3, 2020 1:37 pm

MJM, are poppers the same thing as "Jungle Juice"? That's what I found in the trunk of my husband's car (along with, you guessed it, a massive dildo and a few other icky things).

**Posted by ShibaMama** September 4, 2020 10:54 am

My biggest piece of advice for the now is get a therapist just for you. Really decide if the relationship is going to be worth the work that it takes to be in your MOM. If you still feel that you want to move forward with him, then go to the MOM posts for practical ideas. If you are wanting something for the now in terms of work, go through some of the Gottman Cards (can find them as an app) to help spark dialogue between you and your spouse. You can always send me a message.