Posted by LostNalone  August 23, 2020 10:56 pm | #1 |
It has been 3 1/2 years since my husband dropped the bomb. At first I wanted to be supportive and tried to keep the marriage going as a partnership and friendship. Over the course of 3 years he has bounced in and out of the closet more times than I can count. I am a person that used to brag about feeling comfortable in my own skin and had my feet planted firmly on the ground. I cannot live in his closet anymore. I'm struggling with weight like never before and today I realized that my issue is that I'm no longer happy. I am relying on food to comfort me. Yes, Covid hasn't helped this issue, but it has made me take a long hard look at my life and what I want. I deserve to be happy. Now, the hard part, I need to tell him that I'm done, it's over. I'm not good at stuff like this, I always want to make everyone happy. I'm giving myself until the end of the year to figure out where I will go and what I will do. Financially I will be fine, I just really need to figure out where I want to go. I could surely use a little advice on how to approach this.
Thanks
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Posted by OutofHisCloset August 24, 2020 6:23 am | #2 |
If you haven't paid a visit to a lawyer I suggest you do that. For one thing, you will find out what the timeline for divorce is, and that is useful information for you as you make your plans. There are some things you can do while living together to prepare: make copies of bank records, tax returns, etc. You say you will be all right, financially, but please don't think only in terms of your own earning power, but also of the marital assets (and debts) you have amassed together.
When I was in the stage of having (finally) decided I was going to divorce, I made a lot of lists, both to imagine the life I was going to make and project myself into it in my mind, and also to prevent myself from back-sliding when I got cold feet. I made a list of what I wanted in a place to live, both in a house and town/state, and I googled real estate in those places to see whether I would have enough money to buy a house in a place I wanted to live. I looked up climate and weather patterns, local, state, and national parks. I made a list of my resources, with sub-heads for financial, family, personal qualities, professional expertise. I made a list of my most important values, a list of my strengths and fears (and went back to re-visit each of the fears, addressing what I could do or had already done to overcome them), a list of the things I liked to do, things that made me happy, things I wasn't able to do while living with my then-husband, things I hated about living with my then-husband, things I wouldn't miss about living with him--things I wouldn't miss about him!--things I would do when I was on my own, things I would never again subject myself to. I made a list of all the ways my life had been diminished and my values compromised by my continuing to live with my then-husband in his closet. I did an accounting of my health. I also made a list of all the self-centered things my then-husband had said that had convinced me that I had to leave because he would never change and life with him would never change.
I don't know about you, but I had a lot of small insights as I moved to the point when I knew enough was enough and I'd had enough, and they came incrementally. I woke from a dream in which I heard a voice saying "You have to get out," another in which I uttered the words "I am sufficient."
I, too, had a schedule for when I would tell my now-ex and leave, but I ended up setting it aside and both telling him and leaving before the time I thought I would. (By the time I'd told him, I'd already seen a lawyer and had a line on a place to live.) This may not be true for you, but for me setting that initial date was a kind of ambivalent temporizing, a way to assure myself I would leave while also allowing for my continued fear and reluctance to leave, and my lingering hope that I wouldn't have to. Having the date set helped to steel my resolve, even as it increased my anxiety (because I knew telling him would be difficult), but as the time drew closer, I was more and more unwilling to continue the status quo, until one night I was prompted by something that was said to tell him.
I would also say that as you plan you might tthink not of having to have everything about your new life in place in order to leave, but to understand that it's ok to work incrementally, and to think in the near term and well as longer term. I, too, thought I would have to know exactly where I wanted to move, and to already have a place in the works before I left, which made the prospect much bigger. What I ended up doing was finding a place to rent, which allowed me to jump more quickly. Once I got set up there, and did some of the initial grieiving and growing, I was able to start making a new plan for the next phase.
It is now five and a half years from disclosure; I moved out two and a half years ago; in November I will have been divorced two years. Despite the challenges and the many changes in my life (four months after my divorce I decided to retire, then I lived away from home for six months to care for my aging mother, and am now in the early stages of looking to move), I am happier now. My life is peaceful and without stress (sometimes I feel guilty having a peaceful life while we are all in the middle of Covid). I am learning how to love myself, to value myself, to take care of myself, and about how to set and enforce boundaries, and have finally internalized the truth that I am just as valid as everyone else, so I don't need to defend myself against charges I am selfish for learning how to do any of these things, or for doing them. I have as much right to my life as everyone else does to theirs--and so, my dear LostNAlone, do you.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 24, 2020 9:23 am)
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Posted by Leslie77 August 24, 2020 6:59 am | #3 |
Hello LostnAlone
So sorry you are going through this. It is a terrible box to live in.
I can sympathize, having gone through a similar experience. My ex dropped his bomb and I struggled for two years to arrive at a conclusion of what I wanted to do. Mostly, I kept denying what was happening and telling myself he was going to change back to being a loving hetero husband. For a long time, I felt like it was my duty to stay with him for a number of reasons. When I finally told two trusted friends, that's when I realized that I didn't want to stay any longer.
When I told him it was over, he surprised me by going along and he even said he was thinking of asking me for a divorce. That actually made it easier but then he recanted and proceeded to love-bomb me. I was lucky in that a relative of mine had an empty house in another state and I moved there, temporarily, and when I got settled I realized I had no intention of ever going back to him.
I think you're wise to figure out all the logistics before you tell him. No matter what, it's not going to be easy for either of you. My therapist suggested writing a letter "Why I Am Divorcing You" - not necessarily to give to him, but so I wouldn't go back on my own guilt and feeling of blame. I did write it and I read it over and over again. I told my ex over and over what was in it, also. We got divorced a couple of months ago. Sadly, I miss what we used to have but the final couple of years was like being married to another person.
One thing stuck out in your post "I always want to make everyone happy". I think that's a trait that's common in a lot of us, especially women. A lot of us (me included) are brought up to believe that what we want isn't important and to have our own dreams is selfish. In my marriage I always put aside my needs and wants to make him happy. That only works to a certain point. You have to ask yourself how happy you will be if you are married to a gay man.
You didn't say how long you have been married or if you have children, those could be complicating factors.
I truly wish you all the best in whatever you decide. Please take care of yourself and continue to post.
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Posted by LostNalone August 24, 2020 10:45 am | #4 |
We have been married 7 years. Both have children from previous marriages that are grown and on their own. So leaving in my opinion is just a matter of walking out the door. I'm not a material person and could truly care about very little in this house. If it should get ugly I will just walk away, I'm at that point that I don't care anymore. That which I really care about I could fit in a couple boxes. Everything else is replaceable. Wow, I just realized I'm really to that point, I just want out to save my sanity, nothing else matters.
