Posted by knielson  August 22, 2020 6:13 pm | #1 |
Hi all,
I'm new to this group. After 9 years of marriage, my husband came out to me as gay...while I was 24 weeks pregnant...with our first child. I'm now 33 weeks and trying to prepare for our little one but have been obviously distracted by our pending divorce.
For the past 2 months, my husband has been telling me half truths, just telling me what I wanted to hear because I wanted to see if we could still make our marriage work. Unfortunately, after sifting through his partial lies I've been gathering, we finally decided on divorce and I'm completely heartbroken, angry, betrayed and feeling abandoned by him...huge emphasis on the anger right now.
We both grew up LDS where we were taught that being gay was a "sin", so I understand him not being aware he was gay from a young age or having to supress his feelings and going along with the satus quo of society but he isn't taking any responsibility for anything he is doing. He keeps telling me that he is not to blame and he also likes to emphasize that his therapist told him he is not to blame as well, so he kind of has a big head right now telling other that he "stood his ground and told me he is not taking any blame, this is not his fault." He didn't have ill intentions when he married me, he didn't even admit to himself he was gay until after we were married. He just thought he could keep pretending the rest of his life, so I don't blame him for those things but shouldn't he take some responsibility for what he is doing? For lying to me for 9 years? For only coming out to me as bisexual a few years ago when I found gay porn on the computer when he could have come out as gay? For starting a family with me then abruptly ending it before our child is even born? For repeatedly telling me throughout our marriage that "he was afraid he was going to hurt me in the future" when we would get in arguments? And from what I understand taking blame and taking responsibility have different definitions to them. Am I alone or crazy to think that he should be taking some responsibility for this situation he has put us in?
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Posted by OutofHisCloset August 22, 2020 7:11 pm | #2 |
knielson,
So sorry you are here, and at a time when you should be focused on your health and that of your coming child. Your stbx's timing is abysmal, one more piece of evidence that he is focused only on himself, and one more thing he is refusing to shoulder responsibility for. He may not have "known" or admitted he was gay at some point in his life, but it's clear that he has known for a long time, and he chose to deceive you and to start a family with you, knowing he was living a lie. He is not to blame for being gay, but he is responsible for how he chooses to act. Yes, as a Mormon man, the pressure on him to conform was and is immense, but he is the one who chose to hide, and he is the one who decided that the pressure he was under entitled him to hide in a heterosexual marriage and deceive a woman--you--who entered into a relationship and marriage honestly. He doesn't get a pass for his dishonest actions, and he doesn't get a pass for his blame-shifting those actions onto others.
There are some other Mormon women who post here (I am the daughter of a Mormon father, and all my relatives on my father's side are Mormon, but I was not raised Mormon). Leah is Mormon, I believe, as, I think, is "OnMyOwnTwo Feet." You can search for their posts. It might be especially helpful for you to read their posts.
Others will be chiming in with their condolences, suggestions and perspective. I'll only say here that I hope you have others you can count on as you prepare for the birth of your baby.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 22, 2020 7:12 pm)
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Posted by Steve August 22, 2020 7:20 pm | #3 |
Hi... welcome to the group. Sorry you need to be here.
The phase "he was afraid he was going to hurt me in the future" tells me that he has known for a while so yes... he should definitely be taking some responsibility... especially since he allowed you to become pregnant.
A lot of gay spouses will try to shed responsibility by blaming society, blaming the church or blaming how they were raised and... to some extent... they have a point. But for all of the 'knowing' he has done in recent years as a free-thinking adult... yeah... he is responsible for that. And if a divorce is what comes next he owes it to you and your child to make it as stress-free and fair as possible.
This is where the rubber meets the road. This is when you find out what sort of man he is. I hope for your sake that he appreciates the two people who truly don't have any responsibility for this are you and your child.
Please keep posting.
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz August 22, 2020 9:59 pm | #4 |
The LGBTQ spouse should shoulder some of the responsibility, but often because of the nature of the beast they don't or won't because that could mean admitting to people they are at fault
Do you have friends or family to support you in this vulnerable time?
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Julian_Stone August 23, 2020 1:11 pm | #5 |
MJM017 wrote:
Yes, he bears 100% responsibility for his actions. He sounds like an immature, self-centered & impulsive man. You have every right to feel angry & betrayed, especially with a baby on the way. The timing of his announcement could not be worse.
Let us know how else we can support you.
I agree 100%. I am furious with this guy, so I can only imagine the emotional rollercoaster knielson is on.
Knielson—Post here any time you need to vent...and try to avoid any stressful interactions with your husband as much as possible (easier said than done, I know!) I know it is probably difficult to see it now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.....Many here have found it & you will too. <3
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Posted by knielson August 24, 2020 10:43 am | #6 |
Thank you guys for your support.
For a little while I was feeling that I should be more supportive of him and try to understand where he was coming from, that maybe what I was feeling was wrong but after hearing what others have said, I feel more validated. We talked about him taking more responsibility for his actions and he did take some responsibility but not for certain things such as leading me on for 9 years. There are definitely more conversations to be had, and a couples counselor to go to, so I'm hoping that with some professional help he will come to understand his responsibility in this and hopefully end this marriage amicably.
Ellexoh_nz- My husband is still mostly in the closet, working his way to be able to tell his, and my family. The only people that know he is gay, who I can talk to is my own therapist and mother. Sometimes it's refreshing to hear others who have experienced the same situation and know you aren't alone.
We both moved states away from our families so the only support I'm getting is long distance at this point. It can get pretty lonely here as no one else knows what is going on. And the few people who know are his friends and they tend to congratulate him and push him to divorce and move on, forgetting that there are others in the equation and it's not that easy just to divorce and move on, on both sides. Since there is nothing I can do for my marriage at this point, I decided that I need to focus on myself and my own healing. What have you guys done to be able to heal and move on from this? I'm already seeing my own therapist, but what else has helped?
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Posted by Grandma August 27, 2020 12:18 pm | #7 |
knielson:
My husband and I are both active and committed members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons). Our marriage has also been impacted by my husbands struggles with same sex attraction and gay pornography. We have been married for 21 years, are in our mid 60's and now enjoy a loving and caring (but not passionate) marriage. I can honestly say that had I known when we were dating that he harbored attraction towards men I probably would not have accepted his proposal. But today I can not imagine a life without him. So in that regard I am thankful that I did not find out until I discovered gay pron years later. And we had some very difficult patches in our marriage. There were times when I cried in the shower more nights than not. But through working with the Church leaders and counselors the problems with pornography addiction are in the past. My husband is vigilant in not acting on same sex feelings. Fidelity in marriage means he would not act on feeling of attraction to anyone other than his spouse. We worked it out - it can be done- but that may or may not be the correct answer for you. You are rightfully feeling angry and hurt and betrayed. May I encourage you to seek comfort through prayer and seek out the Lord's comfort and peace with your decisions.
I'm noticing the application of the labels "bi-sexual" and "gay". When your husband switched his labeling himself from "bi-sexual" to "gay" was that a way of telling you that he had decided that he wanted to fully embrace relationships with men? If that is his intention then my all means your decision to divorce is probably a correct one. Just as it would be correct to pursue divorce if he announced that he was planning on having a mistress on the side. If you proceed with the divorce be sure to consider what relationship your husband will have with his child and realize that all future individuals in your husbands life would also be an influence on your unborn child. What contact will his parent have with their grandchild?
You and your husband might find it helpful to reference the materials on the official church website look under "living life" link at the top of the page and then "life help" and look at articles pertaining to both same sex attraction and pornography. The church discourages all forms of pornography and provides help and support in overcoming that and other types of addiction. It is my understanding that the official position of the Church is NOT that "being gay is a sin". The church does have specific guidelines pertaining to chastity and pornography that apply to everyone.
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Posted by knielson September 2, 2020 12:06 pm | #8 |
Twisting In The Wind,
Your comments are extremely hateful and a degrading attack on my STBX and the LGBTQ community. I am sharing very personal information on this forum looking for others who would understand and respect where I'm at in this grieving process and give me constructive advise and support, not blatant attacks on someone I still care for. Am I extremely hurt and angry for what he is doing, absolutely. Should we all excuse his actions, absolutely not, but it doesn't mean we need to debase others.
I also don't know what you have been through either, and I'm very sorry if things ended terribly for you. I am very fortunate that my STBX is willing to listen and try to understand my side of things so we can end things amicably. Sometimes it takes a few conversations to let go of our pride, but we are at least willing to work at it.
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Posted by phoenix September 2, 2020 1:17 pm | #9 |
I removed the posts as they violated our terms of use agreement.
knielson, sorry that happened here.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
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Posted by Whirligig September 2, 2020 9:08 pm | #10 |
**Edited to remove post as it was too personal and I won't be posting to the forums anymore.
Last edited by Whirligig (October 1, 2020 12:14 am)
