Raindrops,

   I'm so sorry this has happened to you.  Because it happens at the hands of the person we love, the person we thought we knew, the person we thought had our backs, the person we trusted to be true-blue, it's truly devastating.  To realize this person now believes he was all along not the person we fell in love with and bonded with, not the person he presented himself to be, is a huge blow. 

  This trans bomb he has dropped into the middle of your marriage fundamentally blows up the marriage you had.  All the assumptions you were operating on are gone.  This is painful to hear and to realize, but it's useful to remember: he has canceled the terms of your marriage contract.  He would like to believe that he hasn't, because it's easier for him if he gets to keep you while becoming a whole new person.  He might say he's "the same person inside," but if that were true, then why is is so crucial for him to take on this new identity? 

  You're caught in a bind with no easy resolution, but with only one solution.  You recognize that you are "straight as a ruler" and "can't change [your] sexuality," but he wants to be--or thinks he is--a woman.  You're not a lesbian, and he thinks he is one.  He'll want you to treat him as one, too, which fundamentally alters your sexual relationship (should you agree to have sex under these new conditions).  

  I hope this doesn't seem condescending, but you're 30 years old!  (I was 62 when my now-ex dropped his trans bomb, and we'd been married longer than you've been alive.)  You should be focusing on graduate school, or your career, or starting a family.  Instead, you're looking at years of total immersion in your spouse's struggle with himself.  Gender dysphoria and trans-ness becomes all-consuming to the person who is experiencing it, and it takes over the life of the spouse of such a person. 

Our first impulses are often 1) to want to help our spouse, because 2) we are desperate to stay relevant to them.  It's useful to understand that our desire to help is also motivated by our strong desire to remain in the marriage, because it helps restrain us when we want to rush to the rescue.  longwayhome has spoken words of wisdom: "Listen to your intuition, it’s there to ensure our survival. Your heart and your mind need to catch up, it takes a bit of time."  It's very useful to take some time for yourself, and at a distance if you can possibly arrange it.  Time and distance provide you the room to get a little perspective on your situation without the pressures introduced by the presence of your spouse.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 16, 2020 12:23 pm)

raindrops, 

i'm new here. i just want to say i feel your disappear as my partner came out as bi to me during pandemic. stuck at home. can't move out. no friends around. i can't even tell anybody. i agree with the comment above. i would get out. if you have no kids, just run. this is a sad sad place and it will swallow you. at least it did with me. i can't get out just yet because i have kids and my level of responsibility is killing me. if i would be alone, i would just run and even look back. it is a tough call because you didn't make it. he did.