OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / How to Handle Traumatic Reactions...a few years later

**Posted by jkpeace** June 18, 2020 12:47 am

This is LONG: If you want to jump to the last 3 paragraphs, that's where my dilemma is explained:

Some of you will remember me from when the coming out of my then-husband was new. I posted a lot, and what helped me the most was the empathy and the realization that there are patterns. Seeing patterns of behavior that came up over and over in these posts helped me understand what was going on: absolute shock, gaslighting, confusion, thinking "if he is even 1% straight we can make this work" (yep...can't believe I once thought that).

In short: Disclosure was almost 5 years ago. Married 24 years. 5 children. My ex followed all the patterns of so many here: spiraling out of control behavior, after having been a good, gentle and decent person...or so I thought. ALL of that I say knowing that NOTHING is good and decent about marrying a straight person, wishing you weren't gay. (You may all here insert angry, filthy, guttural, screaming words).

My ex has a serious boyfriend now. They are both in their 50's. I met the boyfriend once, and he seems like a decent man; he never married a woman. Most of my children have some sort of relationship with their father. The youngest has the best relationship. He doesn't remember when we lived together. He has known his father was gay since he was in the primary grades. The older children have issues with their father having lied to all of us. Of course, the oldest ones were lied to for the longest. I am mostly fine communicating with my ex. Communication is through text and email. I do not speak with him on the phone. I do not speak with him when he picks up or drops off anyone. He is not allowed in my home. I am not at a place of forgiveness with him. Although I understand his closet was pretty rough on him, he chose to be in that closet; I certainly didn't.

About once every 8 - 12 months, I'll see my ex, due to some occasion which makes me want to try to be able to at least co-exist pleasantly in the same space...things like graduations or an occasional holiday.

HERE'S where my rambling background turns into my call for input: I almost always go into a horrible downward spiral, each time I see my ex. Last time I saw him was on Easter. We visited in a neighbor's backyard. I had a nice conversation with the boyfriend. My ex seemed like a stranger to me: some guy I'm supposed to know after being married for 24 years, but I don't know him at all. Despite the fact that I am doing pretty well, the 3 weeks following that I had one of my worst downward spirals since disclosure was new. I even considered putting myself in a hospital due to the severe depression that was overcoming me. This also coincided with all the changes that came with COVID shut downs, working from home, schooling at home...lots of new stressors.

This is my question: Why can't I yet handle seeing my ex?I decided that maybe "Exposure Therapy" would work...that if I saw him once in awhile, maybe I'd learn to handle it. SO, I invited him to come over to the house (back yard) for a small graduation party for my high school senior. Yep: I'm the one who asked my son if he'd like to invite his father. My son hesitated, knowing it's so hard for me. I insisted that I could handle it and that he should feel free to invite his father if he felt he should.

Any advice as to how to handle that my ex is coming this Saturday evening for a backyard bbq? I don't know how to put into words the creepy, empty, upsetting, "I don't know that person" thoughts and feelings that surface when he's around. I know it's a traumatic reaction. I'm thinking that someone who is beyond the stage where I am might have some advice for me.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** June 18, 2020 8:26 am

jk,
Are you working with a therapist? If not, it might be a good idea to schedule a therapy appointment for after this gathering, to help you process it.
I would imagine that even though you have asked him over, it would be necessary to establish some boundaries to protect yourself. Restrict him from coming inside your home? Make sure you are not alone with him inside? Make sure you are not seated with him, or alone with him? You don't say whether the "small gathering" is limited to family, but if your goal is to desensitize yourself to his presence but not to "be friends", and he feels like "a person you used to know" and you want to keep it that way, keeping him at arms length like just another guest at a gathering might be helpful.
Good luck to you.

**Posted by Rob** June 18, 2020 10:21 am

JK,

I think if seeing him triggers you than dont do it. Im the same years out and me the GX avoid each other at all cost.
Your GX can have his own graduation party if he wants to celebrate your son. I know you have your sons interests in mind but even he could tell having his dad around makes you uncomfortable. I dont think you need to invite him..you should not be the fathers biggest proponent with the kids...he made his choice..

My kids have gotten used to separate celebrations with separate families. Their is no loss to them.

If you have the strength..than invite him..but there is nothing wrong with feeling youre not ready yet..no contact is the best position always unless its vitally important. You didn't make holidays etc awkward..he did.

Best wishes...your strength permeates your writing.

**Posted by lily** June 18, 2020 4:56 pm

I don't have any good advice either - I must admit I found that my traumatised response got worse and the last time I saw him was bad enough not to want to see him again.

If you can't avoid his coming to your home then maybe a friend who will keep an eye out and get between you? It is very possible he will try and manipulate you in the same old ways, well that's the way my ex was. I was shaking like I'd never left but the good news is how quickly I recovered once away from him again. And then I could see how much stronger I am now.

**Posted by Duped** June 18, 2020 5:18 pm

JK, I’m sad to hear that you’ve had such a tough time lately.
It sounds like you feel you have a duty to be the “good guy” and allow him in for “special occasions”. You really don’t need to do that. The most important thing here is your mental health and your children. Your kids understand that he is causing you to spiral so just commit to not seeing him, it’s completely fine and the right thing to do.

Put yourself first, one day you may be ok with seeing him and not being triggered into a spiral. That is not now so keep him at bay.

We’re not used to being ruthless. But ruthless is ok.

Last edited by Duped (June 18, 2020 5:19 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** June 18, 2020 8:05 pm

januceyes1 wrote:
........ am I horrible for staying with someone who married me even though he is GID?.....

No....you're not horrible for staying. There'd be some traumatic & fucked-up straightspouses if we all left at the first sign of gay/bi-ness. We all individually make it through using our particular skills. Some of us do it at a slower pace, some don't leave at all xx

Elle

**Posted by Melissa** June 20, 2020 1:30 pm

Hi jkpeace, if I remember correctly your kindness to me on this board was so helpful about 5 years ago. I am sorry you are still going through pain from the trauma of your ex’s deceit and betrayal. I feel you😣

**Posted by walkbymyself** June 22, 2020 1:43 pm

jk, I admire your determination to be reasonable to the father of your children.

Here's a very small bit of advice. First, when you have these reactions, rather than trying to fight them off, try to think of them as something that's unpleasant but possibly in some way necessary. Whatever you feel -- tell yourself "this is what is necessary for my ultimate recovery."

Another possible trick -- since this event is only going to last a couple of hours, put something in your pocket like a pebble or amulet of some kind. When you feel yourself getting upset, reach in and hold on to it, and try and give it the ability to calm you and keep you steady.

**Posted by jkpeace** June 22, 2020 10:51 pm

My high school graduate son felt honored and said the party was fun. It's the first party I've hosted in over 5 years; I'm proud of myself. It was a small gathering, due to social distancing. I did fine and was crazy busy, which kept me from ruminating. I also had family from out of town here visiting. Now, the party is over, and my relatives have returned home. So, I'll start thinking too much. I don't know why I wish that my ex and I could have some sort of a relationship. I think it's because it makes me think our 25 years together was not a waste.

I am suspicious of his wish to have a relationship with me, as I think he only wants that to feel less guilty about himself. When I say "relationship", I mean only as an ex and father of my children. My ex is out of the closet and in a serious relationship with a man who seems like a decent person. I do feel tossed out and used. I don't know why I care what my ex thinks of me or why I think there would be some value in having some sort of relationship. I even seem to care that his boyfriend respects me, though that shouldn't matter. I like understanding life, and being an ex-wife of a gay may just makes no sense.

Most of the time, I'm busy being a mom and working. I don't spend my days moping around, and most people would guess I was perfectly fine. 5 years post-disclosure, I am certainly better off than I've been, but I continue to process grief and loss. The journey is a bit easier, but rough waves still hit.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** June 23, 2020 9:10 am

It's understandable that you don't trust him. The betrayal--25 years of it, repeated daily--runs deep. Maybe you hope he's changed, and that he can now understand the depth of the hurt he dealt you, and that he now has a boyfriend is an indication of that. I can imagine that you're wary that he has change--or can--and I think that's smart of you.  You feel "tossed out and used" because you were. It's ok to recognize that, and to feel angry and resentful about it. It's also ok to grieve those lost years and your futile efforts to make a good marriage all on your own without any reciprocal effort or love from your ex. And now you're doing the hard and admirable thing of trying to move forward, and to salvage what you can, and to try out whether you can have any sort of relationship with your ex because you think it would be a positive thing for your son. (I do wonder: Can you do this last thing without giving the idea that what his father did was ok? Maybe it's possible, but I imagine you'll be giving some thought to how to ensure what you model to your son is not in some way compromising what you consider good values.)

I myself hope not to ever see my ex, who has not in any way, shape, or form changed, ever again, and the less I am reminded of him the better I am. He could never have been a good husband, to me or anyone else, because he carried and still carries a deep secret that warped and still warps every interaction he has with people in his life. He was a barrier in the way of my happiness, and I am glad that I removed that barrier, and him, from my life. Doesn't mean I didn't grieve, wasn't hurt, and didn't wish it could have been different.

I'm glad your son had such a good time at his party. I trust you to figure this out, and to continue to move forward.  You're a wonderful mother and a self-aware person of generosity and good will.