Posted by Tryingtomoveon  December 13, 2019 3:49 pm | #1 |
I have found trusting again to be by far the hardest part of all of this. When it happened I remembered looking at my ex's phone and seeing the gay app and then it was just like a jolt to my brain. It felt as if I had been electrocuted. After that I only stayed with him for 4 days because he continued being dishonest, but those 4 days were probably the worst days of my life (and I have been through some horrible things). I remember walking to work and feeling like I might accidentally walk into traffic. I was a zombie. I knew if I didnt leave I would loose myself. After I left, I stayed with family and had tons of support. About a year later, I dated again and then met someone who I fell in love with. He treated my better than my ex ever did. Being kind of and loving to me. To my surprise at our 4 month mark together, I had a pretty severe mental breakdown and had to start therapy. It was a back and forth with the guy I was with because he wanted to be there to support me but I kept pushing him away because I was scared of trusting someone. I recently left him for both of our sanities. Trusting him and trying to keep my sanity was not working. He would talk to me for hours and tell me he was not lying to me and that he loved me. Its like a part of my brain shut off that anyone can be honest ever again. I am almost 30 this year and it scares me to feel this way. What if I never have kids or allow myself to trust anyone again? I feel like before this happened to me I felt special and important. After it happened I felt unattractive and stupid. 6 years is not much time compared to some of you. I cant imagine how hard 20+ years could be. It just feels like such a life sentence. I was sexually abused by my grandfather when I was a child and what he did to me felt so much like sexual abuse. I was having sex with him and meanwhile he was on Grindr getting blowjobs, possibly subjecting me to diseases. All the while pretending to love me. I dont know how to move on. I feel stuck. Ic come on this site hoping someday someone has the answers but I feel like so many of us dont know how to move on because in the back of our minds, we know how those who can act like they love us so much can actually be lying to us. I guess I am just writing this to say that if any of you out there have tried to move on and found it feeling impossible, I do understand. I keep hoping enough therapy and time to myself will help but I am scared that this will haunt me forever.
Last edited by Tryingtomoveon (December 13, 2019 4:15 pm)
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Posted by Lynne December 14, 2019 5:07 pm | #2 |
Deleted.
Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 5:42 pm)
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Posted by Tryingtomoveon December 14, 2019 10:47 pm | #3 |
Hey Lynne- thanks for sending me this video. I know my ex was a narcissist (the GID) one because of his personality traits. I always wonder if all gay men/women who marry straight are narcissists because of the selfishness it takes to do this. I wonder because sometimes it does seem like there are men who legitimately don’t believe they are gay and are good to their wives. I wish it was so simple that all GID people are narcissists but I’m not so sure. It’s certainly possible though. What do you think about that? I genuinely am so confused by everything I have zero clue.
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Posted by lily December 18, 2019 10:34 pm | #4 |
Tryingtomoveon wrote:
He treated my better than my ex ever did. Being kind of and loving to me. To my surprise at our 4 month mark together, I had a pretty severe mental breakdown and had to start therapy. It was a back and forth with the guy I was with because he wanted to be there to support me but I kept pushing him away because I was scared of trusting someone. I recently left him for both of our sanities. Trusting him and trying to keep my sanity was not working. He would talk to me for hours and tell me he was not lying to me and that he loved me.
I said this before but I think you should consider the possibility that it's not you having a problem so much as you saving yourself from another gay in denial man - maybe a submissive rather than a dominant.
wishing you best of luck, hope the right man is just around the corner.
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Posted by Rob December 19, 2019 7:48 am | #5 |
Lily, Lynne,
I've been moving on but I understand learning to trust again. My premise is nobody could possibly hurt me as much as my GX did. Except for some of the spouses here, it seems unfathomable I would meet someone as hurtful as her.. she was uniquely hurtful. I found almost anyone I talk to to be so much more genuine and honest. I also have a lot more self respect and self esteem so any sign of narcissism or bad vibes I seem more acute to pick up on..
If you had picked something up on the person you were seeing then it seems ok and self preserving to not
continue. If you look back and realize you were just not ready and there were no no bad vibes... well thats ok too....nothing wrong with letting that person know how you feel. If they are of any quality they will understand.
I just wanted you to know there are quality men/woman out there like me/you... we do not have secret apps on our phones are really kind and honest people. Don't let our gay ex spouses make us think otherwise....they were uniquely broken...it is a falsie that they drilled into us.. they were not normal and
us thinking they were is not really true...it is them still in our head. They no longer are allowed any space in our heads.
Last edited by Rob (December 19, 2019 4:08 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by Tryingtomoveon December 21, 2019 6:42 pm | #6 |
I appreciate everyone’s reply but sometimes people in this group say things that make me feel like I’ll never recover. Lily some of the things you have said have really scared me. You always say “trust your judgement” or “your instinct is important”. I don’t disagree that your view of the world is important but if we don’t acknowledge that not everything we think and feel is reality then we are in the most denial. All of us want to protect ourselves from this happening again and when I come on here and have people tell me “well if you feel a certain way he must be gay” it makes me feel so sad and sick to my stomach. This site has not helped me except for the few times people have offered support and said how tough it is to move on. I believe the people on here are good people and we all have been hurt but telling a woman you think her last boyfriend (which btw was the only man who ever made her feel loved) is gay because she has a “scared feeling” is like being traumatized all over again. I come on here for support not for someone to tell me I am once again a victim of a gay man. When the man I was seeing was the kindest man I have ever met. I came here to hear if people had trouble trusting again only to have a comment basically saying “it’s happening to you again”. I wish the best to all of you but this is not the place for me to move on. This is the place for me to stay stuck and angry. Wish u all the best.
Last edited by Tryingtomoveon (December 21, 2019 7:03 pm)
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Posted by lily December 21, 2019 11:19 pm | #7 |
well I'm sorry you feel scared by things I've said and I'm sorry you have a scared feeling about your last boyfriend when you have such a high opinion of him and I hope you are successful in finding people to support you that you feel comfortable with.
Yes I do pay attention to my instinctive judgement, as much as possible. And I think there are lots of people who do the same thing. We're all a bit dot and carry though, not sure why I over-ride it sometimes when it's so reliable!
thanks for the good wishes - we all need them, don't we.
