2nd time this has happened.

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Posted by BFFof2
December 2, 2019 1:36 am
#1

Hi, I'm not in a mixed-orientation marriage. However, this is now the *second* time that I've lost a best friend after they've discovered their spouse is LGBT, & I'm exhausted from having no one to talk to about this. 
(Edited to delete personal information) 

But reading the stories on here gives me a bit of perspective into what my friend is going through. I truly think she's lying to him & using him. I think, especially after reading Sean's post, that my friend's wife is desperately trying to hide her sexuality to keep from losing everything else she has---and my friend is a means to an end with that.  
Like I said, we're not on speaking terms right now, but just reading through all your stories lets me know that I'm not crazy----I had every reason to worry about my friend. I had every reason to think my friend was being used and lied to. I had every reason to think he was vulnerable, and that secrecy, even in this case, NEVER helps anything. 
So, I just miss my best friend, and wish to God I could fix this. My husband thinks he'll come around someday. I thought my FIRST best friend would come around someday too, but that never happened.  
Thanks for listening. <3 

Edited to add: Sorry for the massive deletion, but I just woke up, & wanted to make sure I wasn't too generous w/ my friend's personal info. <3 

Last edited by BFFof2 (December 2, 2019 6:53 am)

 
Posted by OutofHisCloset
December 2, 2019 12:53 pm
#2

I read your first post in the wee hours last night.  I came back now to refresh myself and to leave you a comment.

 I'm sorry that you've had these experiences, that you lost your first friend and see your friendship with your second friend crumbling under his current subordination of his own health and wellbeing to the mirage of saving his marriage and supporting his wife.  All I can say is that you have to draw the boundaries that are acceptable to you--and to your spouse, I have to say, because having disclosed your desire to enter into an emotional threesome of a marriage your own spouse might not be too happy about that.  
  
What you have gone through shows just how far the ripples extend outward when a person hides or denies their sexual orientation.  It's not just spouses who are affected, and it's not just families: it's also friends.  The circle of destruction and hurt, the people who are affected, is so much larger than the gay/lesbian/trans person.  And yet the focus and and help and the sympathy are all extended to the person who has hidden their sexuality.  

  I, for one, appreciate your having said how much the "it's theirs to tell" sentiment irritates you; thank you for the validation from one outside the marriage that secrets are corrosive.
 

 
Posted by BFFof2
December 2, 2019 2:17 pm
#3

Thank you. 
My husband actually consented, calling it an "outside of the box way to get your needs met, and kind've a brilliant one at that"---because of course I checked with him before I disclosed it to anyone else. Anything else would be horribly unethical, and a betrayal of trust. 
My husband had been horribly neglectful and selfish for years, but that did actually start to change w/ mental health treatment. <3 He was willing to accept what I asked of him, but also saw that 1) I was wholly committed to staying w/ him, but 2) that I was so emotionally neglected that I was willing to try something FAR outside the box, if he agreed. 
He agreed. 

 
Posted by BFFof2
December 2, 2019 2:20 pm
#4

OutofHisCloset wrote:

  I, for one, appreciate your having said how much the "it's theirs to tell" sentiment irritates you; thank you for the validation from one outside the marriage that secrets are corrosive.
 

THANK YOU. 
I'm not EVER in favor of secret-keeping when it comes to a marriage, or how we live our lives, or our values, etc. It's horrible for everyone involved---especially if there are kids!  
Thankfully, neither of my friends involved in these tragedies had kids. The first one is now in a happy, stable marriage w/ kids of her own, and I'm so thankful for that, even if we're not a part of each other's lives anymore. <3 
 

 


 
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