OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Dating a Transgender man and struggling

**Posted by DatingTrans** November 25, 2019 3:10 am

I’m a straight female who has fallen in love with a transitioning FTM man. He sat in a non-binary space for awhile but said once we started dating that he felt brave and wanted to own that he really wants to fully transition and changed his pronouns to he/him. I fully support him. I fell in love with who he is, the packaging is secondary to me.

What I am struggling with is that he is so self absorbed. I cannot believe how every conversation is about the transition or something new he needs to buy for the transition. I don’t think a day goes by when we don’t talk about it.

Does this change over time? I am all in and see a future with this man, but I really would like to know if this will subside as I would like to have other conversations.

Thanks for you help.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** November 25, 2019 8:15 am

No. It does not change over time.

**Posted by Abby** November 25, 2019 9:22 am

Full disclosure: I have never been the partner of a transgendered individual. With that big caveat though I would point out that what I have read indicates that maintaining his or her appearance will be a life-long and expensive endeavor. I am suggesting that this alone could cause a preoccupation with one's self.

There is also the possibility that he is in love with himself, as others who post here have described with men who transition to women.

If most of the conversations you have had with him have been about him you may want to think about whether what you are feeling is love or infatuation. A future with anyone should involve getting to know that person well. He should want to get to know you and not you just hearing about him. With infatuation you get so swept up that you overlook this missing element because you want him so badly.

**Posted by Whirligig** November 25, 2019 8:07 pm

I, too, have not been involved with a transgender person. However, I have been doing a lot of reading on related topics to my own situation so have some things you may wish to consider.

Probably chief among them is that it is biologically impossible for someone to change sex. Have you considered how this process will affect the health and longevity of your partner and how that will affect you? Your finances? Any caregiving on your part? Surgeries are expensive. Who will pay for them? What about therapies needed after? Will they be able to work and contribute to your household and the associated expenses? Or will their pay be reserved for their medical treatments? What about yours?

Also, many transmen are actually detransitioning. Have you considered whether you could accept the person you are dating if they do so? You indicated you were straight, so what happens if they decide being trans isn't what they actually want? Would you be fine with a relationship with a woman, albeit likely a GNC one? Kids? Not an issue? Adoption or donor okay with you if it is an issue? Could you afford either?

If being self-focused is a problem for you now, have you considered how difficult the relationship will be when you start adding in any of the rest? It seems cold I'm sure to weigh this stuff out, but it's hugely important that you do so when it comes to your future. Give it some thought. Do some research. Maybe try and talk with people who have been in your situation, both good and bad outcomes, to give you some perspective. Best of luck.

**Posted by StraightSpouse1979** November 26, 2019 6:52 pm

Never changes

**Posted by StrongerThanIKnew** December 6, 2019 12:46 am

Not only does it not change. Should you dare to mention that he seems self-involved or dare to ask for just 1 night where you can not bring of the subject of transitioning, you will be told you are selfish and/or unsupportive.

My ex is MTF.

**Posted by BFFof2** December 6, 2019 6:17 am

I'm the child of two narcissists. Regardless of the circumstances, there is something pathologically wrong w/someone who can only talk abput themselves. It never gets better. I know several very kind, empathetic, loving transgender ppl---none of whom have ever lied to a potential partner, or made it all about themselves, etc. Narcissism is a huge problem, and you want nothing to do with it.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** December 6, 2019 7:00 am

BFFof2
Have you ever been partnered to a man who is transitioning?
No? I thought not.

**Posted by StrongerThanIKnew** December 6, 2019 10:48 am

BFFof2 wrote:
I'm the child of two narcissists. Regardless of the circumstances, there is something pathologically wrong w/someone who can only talk abput themselves. It never gets better. I know several very kind, empathetic, loving transgender ppl---none of whom have ever lied to a potential partner, or made it all about themselves, etc. Narcissism is a huge problem, and you want nothing to do with it.

I agree that it is a big problem, and one I will do my best to steer clear of going forward. However, my spouse was not like that at the beginning of our relationship. For the first 20 years or so, he was very engaging and rarely talked about himself. After coming out to me, it seems as if the floodgates were opened and suddenly she could speak of nothing else. That is just one of the many personality changes that came with my ex's transition.

I will also say that some young trans people I know are not like that. They are open and upfront about who they are (meaning they still talk about themselves a lot - just not all the time), and I have no doubt that anyone entering a relationship with them will not be blind-sided the way some of us in long-term relationships were.

Last edited by StrongerThanIKnew (December 6, 2019 10:49 am)

**Posted by BFFof2** December 6, 2019 11:26 am

OutofHisCloset wrote:
BFFof2
Have you ever been partnered to a man who is transitioning?
No? I thought not.

I'm so sorry, AND I'm sorry you went through this. I'm simply sharing my experience that narcissism doesn't get better. Ever. If they're like this now, while dating, imagine how much worse it will be if they get married/move in together/etc.