OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / The same old story

**Posted by Bubbledeed** November 23, 2019 4:01 pm

I guess everyone’s story is unique and the same. Here’s mine, one I never thought I’d be writing.

Last night my husband of ten years told me he is transgender and that for the last twenty years he has lived a double life as a woman online. He even, somehow, got a credit card in a female name so none of his online friends — all of whom know him as a woman — would ever suspect.

Short version: he was in denial for a long time and just thought of this as a character, he still loved me and is attracted to me and wants to stay married, he has no plans to transition or make outward changes in his life but he wanted me to know the truth so he could stop hiding that portion of his life.

After lurking on this board for a while though I’m afraid that is not the end of the story. As he gets deeper into “the community” (as he already calls it) I’m scared that he’s going to be influenced to make more and deeper changes.

Last night, after googling how to overdose and chatting with a singulalrly unhelpful suicide hotline, I confused in a friend, who was there for me. I lied to my husband about doing this.

In addition to all this, I was already in a pretty dark place. My job is slowly killing me. My husband and I can’t have biological children and we’ve been wait listed for adoption for five years which is a constant emotional roller coaster. My husband had physical and mental health issues so he does not work making me the sole financial provider. And better still we Currently have A frustrating roommate who is simultaneously a very close friend and very difficult to live with. My husband hasn’t told him this so I’m spending my time hiding from him so he doesn’t ask why I’m crying constantly.

If anyone has words of advice — please. I need them.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 23, 2019 4:49 pm

Welcome to the Forum Bubble....even though it sounds like you've been reading here for a bit. Have you read the First Aid Help Kit on the General Board?

**Posted by Bubbledeed** November 23, 2019 4:54 pm

I did. It’s helpful. I’m just feeling pretty lost and alone right now.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 23, 2019 5:26 pm

Bubbledeed wrote:
I did. It’s helpful. I’m just feeling pretty lost and alone right now.

Do you have a friend or family member you can confide in?
Verbalising it face-to-face with a confidante is as good as, sometimes better than... words on a screen

Though there are some here in the same position as you ie; the trans thing...who will be able to give you good advice....a listening ear....support

**Posted by Bubbledeed** November 23, 2019 5:30 pm

It’s tough because my husband doesn’t want anyone else to know. I did confide in one friend and she’s been wonderful. But the main person I confide in is my husband...

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 23, 2019 5:42 pm

Bubbledeed wrote:
It’s tough because my husband doesn’t want anyone else to know. I did confide in one friend and she’s been wonderful. But the main person I confide in is my husband...

Great that you've told this friend. Of course your husband doesn't want anyone to know, but that's his issue not yours.
In my case...It took me months to realise my partner would never understand totally how this affected me and that
our spouses are the wrong person to turn to for comfort when all they wish to do is keep it hidden away

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (November 23, 2019 5:49 pm)

**Posted by Duped** November 23, 2019 5:47 pm

Bubble, you cannot begin to heal when your support is the person who is inflicting the trauma. Get your own support now. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want people to know. It is not his call or his decision how you go about surviving this.

You have to ask yourself the real questions about why he has told you this if he alleges he doesn’t want anything to change. You will most likely be surprised at the actual involvement he has in this online world. I can guarantee it’s not tame or innocent.

**Posted by Bubbledeed** November 23, 2019 5:52 pm

That’s my fear too. And I don’t know how to go about finding the truth.

He says he told me because it’s something he realized about himself and he doesn’t want to keep secrets from me.

**Posted by Abby** November 23, 2019 6:39 pm

You know that your husband has a credit card in a female name and you are the sole financial provider. Is it possible that he has used your personal information to open this account? Have you seen the statements, is there a balance and how has it been getting paid?

If you are in the U.S. I suggest that you get free copies of your credit reports through the website annualcreditreport.com. Once you know that truth you will know whether you need to take immediate steps to protect your finances and and cut off his access.

If you have confided in one friend who's being helpful that's more support than some who come here have. You may never find the truth but you know enough to know that this is not the marriage you thought you were entering into when you said "I do."

**Posted by Bubbledeed** November 23, 2019 8:11 pm

These are all really good points. Thank you.

We are going to sit down and talk in a bit. I’ll see what I find out I guess.

Does the betrayal ever go away?