OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / awfully quiet around here

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** November 7, 2019 12:46 pm

Just wondering, given the query about how to contact the admin, if there's something up, or whether we're all just hunkered down.

**Posted by lily** November 7, 2019 5:52 pm

yes, it is very quiet on the board, don't know why. speaking personally, yes hunkered down. Needed to put my thoughts into other stuff and let it digest for a while.

When I was in my 40's I did not know my ex was gay but I knew I wanted to leave and he said I could go if I didn't take anything other than my clothes. Seriously. And we worked together, it meant leaving my income as well as my house and any money in the bank. Now here's the worst bit - I accepted. I walked out with nothing, rather than upset him.

Not surprising I ended up back there, sleeping on the sofa.

It's like something in the relationship disabled my ability to even see it was my own best friend who was making me feel so low and down on myself.

Last edited by lily (November 7, 2019 5:56 pm)

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** November 7, 2019 6:42 pm

Oh, Lily, I'm so sorry.
I think you're right; the devaluing is so insidious and gradual that we lose all perspective.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 7, 2019 7:25 pm

It's been like a ghost town in here yes!

**Posted by control** November 8, 2019 12:45 am

Yes, it has been too quiet here! I look on here nightly usually for new posts/comments, there have been few of any recently! Somehow it helps even reading what others have to say from time to time.

Although my divorce is final, and I do feel more peace, it is difficult to keep the thoughts from consuming me sometimes. I am thankful to be free, but the truth is after being in the dysfunctional relationship for so many years I find it hard not to think about it all frequently. I wasted so much of my life!

I need the communication here! It helps!!!

**Posted by lily** November 8, 2019 12:55 pm

thanks oohc,

control - yes I think about it all too. the way I feel is how can you go forwards if you can't look back. and there's a lot to think about.

**Posted by Rob** November 8, 2019 10:15 pm

control,

I hear you.. Divorced for several years now if I look back too much it sometimes retraumatizes me ..we should only have to to go through it once. As I get further away I see the dysfunction I lived with and can't believe some of the treatment I allowed.. I hope with more time it becomes some distant memory...

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** November 8, 2019 10:24 pm

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my divorce. It's hard to believe a whole year has gone by; but it also feels like a very long time ago. I think about what life was like during that time and it seems unreal, although at the time it was only too real.
Similarly, I feel as if I've made great progress in my recovery yet have also recently--maybe because of this "anniversary"--been realizing just how long and how much my ex pulled the wool over my eyes, which has made me angry. I'm reminding myself that the most important thing isn't how long he lied to me, and what he kept from me, and how much of my life I spent married to a person unable to be a real partner (and the loss of possibility for the relationship I wanted)--what really matters is that I'm no longer tied to that person, and no longer in that situation. I have choices now, and the chance to make of my remaining life what I want it to be. So I'm not exactly at peace, but I and life are much more peaceful. That seems an ok place to be a year out from divorce.

**Posted by control** November 9, 2019 12:51 am

Rob- I agree! My relationship was very dysfunctional & I regret that I allowed myself to be in that situation for so many years! The thoughts do retraumatize, but I’m hopeful they will diminish with time.

OoHC- I understand where you are coming from too. Tomorrow is 2 months post divorce for me. I can’t even believe the stress & anxiety I had during that time period. It is definitely no way to live! You described it appropriately about life being more peaceful, maybe not exactly at peace at this point! Every day I’m so thankful to have gotten out of the marriage/legal ties to such a FRAUD!!! This type of betrayal is definitely not for the weak!

**Posted by walkbymyself** November 16, 2019 7:34 am

I haven't been posting or reading. I don't think I'm in a position to offer support when I'm so making a complete mess of my own life, and every time a new poster offers up his or her story, I only end up being so paralyzed with rage and pain on their behalf I can't seem to separate.

My husband used to joke around that he had no sense of guilt. It turns out, he wasn't completely joking, but he got it slightly wrong: he had no natural, inborn sense of empathy. He compensated by being smart and learning to imitate other people, trying to memorize the rules. He knows how to feign empathy but not how to feel it.

I ended up being forced into settling for a real shit sandwich of a settlement agreement. My husband ruined my past, and now he's ruined my future as well.

is there a SSN group in the New York City area? I have been unsuccessful at reaching anyone.