Posted by OJECPOMCO  October 24, 2019 4:09 am | #1 |
So I moved out July back to my parents and somehow I was convinced I couldn't manage finances on my own and we (2 kids) moved back in. In retrospective, I believe that was a huge mistake. But then i wanted to be sure of all my decisions. GIDH promised he would see a priest (that is the closest we have in my country regarding counselling). On return he has now refused to do so.
Second mistake I think i have been making is getting emotionally attached to an older ex who has always been separated on and off with his wife. He is reluctant about getting a divorce. He is 60 and I am 35. The age difference alone was why i called it 9 years ago before i got married. Now, he has been a strong anchor, coming forward with the right words. But i am sure I do not want to a mistress. Or involved in a relationship where I am not the sole focus again.
Last thing troubling me... I have finally gotten a job. Since I returned in September though, my GH (He is not so much in denial anyways) has been trying to act all good. Still no intimacy, not even a hug, a kiss or sex. He says i can come touch him anytime. Which i am obviously tired of doing. So, he has been quiet and even got busier with his business. And I have really been bad. Angry at the slightest thing. Shouting at every little thing. But it mostly because i am all alone. I am lost. And I am tired. I flared up this morning again and he reacted back warning me firmly and suggesting that I now want to leave because I have gotten a job. Making insinuations we are better off apart.
I am really tired of everything. I used to be also tired of life. Now i am more optimistic. At least I have a job. I just want to un-complicate my life. Living in a patrilineal society like mine means he thinks I am not a submissive wife. That i keep complaining about what was done to me and I keep monitoring his life and properties.
How do I navigate life?
|
Posted by lily October 24, 2019 5:09 am | #2 |
Look it is easy to make the mistake of going back. I remember I did the same. I left him he came after me oh I love you please come back and I did and I knew immediately it was a mistake but I stayed. Why did I stay, why are you staying now? for the same reason all over again and again and again - he is getting what he wants from you.
You only have one life. Think about the person you will be in 30 years time. Talk to her.
My personal feeling is that it is love that makes us happy. Maybe I will and maybe I won't have a chance at a loving marriage but just being able to love, not stifled by a fake marriage is worthwhile.
|
Posted by OutofHisCloset October 24, 2019 6:42 am | #3 |
OJECPOMCO,
I think you navigate life by knowing what you want out of life, seeing clearly the outlines of your society, where it supports you and where it won't, understanding what you can tolerate and what not, and then building a life as close to what you want as you can. You see what you want for your life in the future and direct your efforts there, and go around or over obstacles when and where you can.
I was struck by what you said of your husband's actions and words (he won't go to the counseling he said he would; you can touch him but he won't initiate--and he thinks that is sufficient on his part!): he believes you want to leave; he has insinuated that you are better apart) because to me this is so familiar. He is telling you he does not really want you, or to live with you, but he himself will not come out and leave. So many of us have experienced this on the part of our in-denial or closeted husbands/partners. They force us to make the decision to leave, and I think they do this knowing that there are societal pressures and our socialization as women that make that difficult for us. We are the ones who have to decide what we will or will not tolerate, what we want, and what the outlines of our lives that are out of control (family, finances, employment status, etc) will or won't allow us to do.
I think you know some of this. I think you are trying hard to act as an independent woman in a situation in which independence on the part of women is not encouraged. It's clear from what you say that you are not happy in your marriage to a man who is more and more open about his homosexuality, but that using this older man, who wants you to become his mistress, to exit that relationship is not sitting right with you. In neither case, as you so correctly perceive, are you being valued.
Now you have a job, one that gives you a measure of financial independence and self-worth. Put your energies there. A secure base will help you be able to do what you decide you need to do.
|
Posted by OJECPOMCO October 24, 2019 7:25 am | #4 |
Amidst all these marital issues. I have a 6 year old son on the autism spectrum who is also non-verbal. There is constant struggle to have my life at least seem normal but it aint.
My comment to him this morning was that he is hurt i stopped crying for him. Truly, I have been crying for the better part of 7 years I have been married. I am constantly demeaned. His words this morning was that I wanted a man I could control. How does being in love and intune with your partner translate to control issues.
"My personal feeling is that it is love that makes us happy. Maybe I will and maybe I won't have a chance at a loving marriage but just being able to love, not stifled by a fake marriage is worthwhile." - My exact thoughts Lily.... Love makes everything worthwhile.
This has been my argument from inception of my marriage. For love I can give up everything. I did give my career up at a point. Now that i am taking it up he's feeling slighted.
OutofHisCloset, It is a lot harder to leave. You are almost leaving certainty despite its ugliness to uncertainty. Sometimes i wonder if I am strong enough. My 4 year old daughter picks bad vibes from us and that is something i do not want. Just like you mentioned directing my energies to work and securing will help me sort out the future.
Bad part is the woman gets nothing leaving a marriage here. Even the business we built together, that was really my idea. But then, I do not want anything. I will prefer starting afresh.
My issue with the older man is that I feel like I am cheating at least emotionally. And it kills my spirit. It kills me that someone else has my trust and understands me better than my spouse. Or even knows what is happening in my life.
|
Posted by lily October 24, 2019 1:10 pm | #5 |
sorry to say but your comment about your gay in denial husband feeling hurt over you is unrealistic - he is not in love with you - all it does is open the door for him to make an accusation it is your fault.
You know, the thing about sex is just the simple act of doing it makes you feel a sense of bonding with your partner. It makes you open and vulnerable to them. Unfortunately for a homosexual husband it's not happening like that, he is getting the opposite feeling to bonding because he is doing it with a woman.
My suggestion is not to go within 10 thousand yards of having a discussion with your gay husband about control issues. Regroup instead, centre back on yourself and protect your feelings from being manipulated by him - he is not your lover, you are right not to trust him like that.
Am I right in remembering you have an aunt who offered to help you? maybe she can help you now. This is too much to handle alone really, for any of us. Glad to hear about the job - that is excellent news.
Last edited by lily (October 24, 2019 1:12 pm)
|
Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 24, 2019 1:18 pm | #6 |
OJECPOMCO wrote:
.......I am really tired of everything. I used to be also tired of life. ***Now i am more optimistic. At least I have a job*** I just want to un-complicate my life. Living in a patrilineal society like mine means he thinks I am not a submissive wife. That i keep complaining about what was done to me and I keep monitoring his life and properties.
How do I navigate life?
OJEC....When I read your post I visualise a woman in a tug-of-war. And although you have the strength...have learned how to plant your feet on the earth and lean back from the force ttrying to pull you in...part of you is still listening to the man on the other side, who's telling you you'll never win, never amount to anything, that once he lets go of that rope....you're on your own. It seems his demeaning words play a big part in keeping your self-esteem under his control. He's not the boss of your self-esteem..!!
When he tells you "you want a man you control".....tell him you would rather control your own life. Omg you have a job!...that's wonderful. Can you move back with your parents?
As for the ex....sounds like another self-esteem controller, and a sweet-talker as well. He's an unnecessary added complication to a situation that already has so much going on.
You need to let go of that rope. The man at the other end will know you're done with the fight when there's no more resistance and you're nowhere to be seen
KIA KAHA
|
Posted by lily October 24, 2019 4:57 pm | #7 |
As for the ex....sounds like another self-esteem controller, and a sweet-talker as well. He's an unnecessary added complication to a situation that already has so much going on.
You need to let go of that rope. The man at the other end will know you're done with the fight when there's no more resistance and you're nowhere to be seen
Hi LXO - I am wondering why you think the older man is no good? From what I read OJEC trusts him more and feels he is helping her and it seems to me a shame to discourage her from being with someone who might be a good friend.
|
Posted by Abby October 24, 2019 5:34 pm | #8 |
She said that the older man is married and is not committed to seeking a divorce. In her healthier younger days she realized this was not a situation she wanted. Now that she is more vulnerable and his marital situation remains the same he is a worse risk to her mental health if this becomes a romantic relationship rather than a friendship.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
|
Posted by lily October 24, 2019 7:27 pm | #9 |
ah. I get your point. I had thought that because she had already rejected him on those grounds that was that but you're right she is very vulnerable right now and yes hopefully doesn't get into a romantic tangle over him.
|
Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 24, 2019 7:49 pm | #10 |
Hi LXO - I am wondering why you think the older man is no good? From what I read OJEC trusts him more and feels he is helping her and it seems to me a shame to discourage her from being with someone who might be a good friend.
Wouldn't matter if the guy was 160...or 16. He's married and investing, or trying to, in two r'ships. I don't know about the woman he's married to but know she's being deceived by him.
OJEC....aren't you tired of people who deceive?
KIA KAHA
