im taking my story here, since you can give comments here, maybe i get some tips, or only getting an small
amount of comfort to have taken the time to write my frustration and shame.


I supose i should open and get my story out.
maybe not in the hope for some comfort, or in the
illusion that it will be fine, and wont haunt me
for decades, for im sure such experiences will
make an impression on most people.

maybe the main reason why i desided to write, is
to just get the story out, in an place where people
can relate or understand.


So i was together with an lesbian for about 8 years,
and she left me just before we where supose to get
married, witch was supose to be last summer ( 2018 )
and after she left me, it only took her 2 months to
come out.

it has bin over an year now, but my rage, hate and
dispair is an high as ever, i feel so used, and an
insane shame, i was in an relationship with an lesbian,
i have an daughter whit an lesbian. how to hell
can you forgive such betrayel. the only thing that could
help my anger, would be brutal murder but again, i would
not be the only one that would get negative consequences
of that. mainly thinking of our daughter, so thats
not an opption.


i gues i should take it from the start.
my ex is an year younger, and we met at 20 and 19
and had bin good friends for an while, and tried an
relationship. i told her some of the most intimate
things about me, including an list over the most
terrible things i could imagine.
the list would go like:

being raped by another man
left by an girlfriend witch came out as gay.
somthing happening to my children
not being able to stick together whit the monther of my child
( child of divorce, i hoped i would never put my own in that situation)
and having my girlfriend sleep whit my best friend.

and to date, she has put my through 3 of those so far.

to add an little extra thing she has an mild form of
cerebral parese, that being said that means i was required
to do alot of extra things, she would not be able to do,
small simple things mostly, but ofc that adds up, and
consumes alot of energy

so we started an relationship, and soon after she was
pregnant, we where young, and was not ready for that,
not at all, but she wanted to keep it, i did not
insist that she would remove it, but i knew we was not
ready for somthing like that but as an man, the choice
was hers to make, i just had to try an do the best
out of it.
( today i can only speculate what her plan was, but
it seems the deception started there )

she had several issues,
from daddy issues, to an over relgious mother, and
health problems cos of her handicap, so it seemed like
her ticket to pose as stright.

i tried to care for her, cheer her up, but she was
depressed a lot, and blamed it on all her other issues,
but i always felt it was somthing she did not tell me,
somthing was wrong, since no matter what i tried, she would
never cheer up for long, and it if was not one thing,it would
be the other.

so after about an year out in the relationship we got our daughter,
and she suffered from postpartum depression, or atleast she
claimed to be. this lead to be being yelled at, she got angry
at me for more or less nothing, i trid to understand, but when
you have an angry girlfriend, and you try to figure out what
you did, to make her so angry, it does get frustrating to
have it like that over time.
anyway, one day a few months after our daughter was born, she
left me, told me to move out of the appartment, never rly got
an reason why, she was just angry, at everything not only me.

so i had no choice to leave, and i was crushed, who would not be?
failing an relationship like that whit an newborn. it was horrible

so 3 days later my bestfriend said i had to cheer up and go out
( calling this person an friend is wrong, but at that time i thoght so )
so he dragged me out for drinks, and kept the drinks comming,
until i was fairly drunk and sad and my so called friend had
staged everything for his own gains.

so he found an girl for me to talk to, not rly sure on how
much he acually staged, but atleast he had me drunk, and did
not see that my ex, best friend was there, and it ended by me
kissing the girl my friend found for me, and ofc my exs best friend
called her right away, so i was accused of cheating.
i cant say i am proud over kissing that girl, and i should
not have done that, but i was drunk, hartbroken and sad, so
i did not make the best decisions.

so after i had kissed that girl my friend had vanished, i
found out later that my so called friend went to my ex
to tell lies about me, and comfort her, so he could sleep with her.
and he somehow managed that.

in the aftermath of all this my ex refused me to see our daughter,
since she belived that friend of mine, and it was horrible lies
too, and if i had bin 10% of the horrible person he made me out
to be, i dont think i could live with that.

i was so angry, at her, him and the unfair thing called life.
a little under an year afterwards i put all my feelings and how
it was in realety down, and sent it to her.
and then she finally wanted to talk to me, i gues even she
would realise that atleast some of those lies was doubtful.

so we talked things over a lot, and she wanted to try again,
then i had to make an desision, to forgive her for what she did
whit my friend, and that was not easy, but seemed like the only
choice i could make to be able to see my own daughter.
no matter if you are ready for an child when it comes, you will
always love that child, i think it lies genetic in us.

i know today, that she never deserved that forgiveness, and im not
completly sure if i managed to forgive her from the bottom of my
heart, but atlaest i pretended to do it, and i did not drag that
up durring the time together, cant say it did not bother me, since it
did. i lost my best friend, ( i know im better whitout him as an friend,
what friend does such ) and i lost an year whit my daughter.

so we got together again, and she enjoyed the bennefits of being
whit me, my family and all that, i know today that she desired
my family situation, witch is and was a lot better then hers.
she even has tried to make my family help her on diffrent things,
even after she broke off our marriage. but most of my family
lost most respect they ever had for her. feel alittle evil saying
that it makes me alittle joy, but it does.

so our relationship went on, me trying to please her, and make
her happy, somthing that seemed imposibole, it was somthing new
that made her sad or unhappy, atlast she claimed so, but looking
at it now, it makes sence, it was the one thing all along,
but i did not see it. and that horrific feeling when you dont
feel wanted at all, spesially in bed. and all those reasons an
woman can give you for not wanting sex, the only thing she seemed
to enjoy, was getting licked. i wonder what she was imagining
while i was doing it.
cant even express that horrible feeling.

so the years went by, and i cant rly say i was happy, but i thought
it was alrighte enoth, atleast i would give my daughter an loving
family where the parents where together. but i did not even manage that.

so a few years ago she wanted to be marriaged, for me as an non
relgious person that was never an must for me, i have the idea that
an cupple can be just as happy together in an relationship, then in
an marriage, but she wanted that, so i would give it to her.

so we started to plan our wedding and it seemed to go great,
but 2 months before our wedding, she wanted to delay our wedding
an year or two, since her health was not that great at that time,
or atleast that is what she claimed.
i went along whit it, since it was supose to be her big day, and
she would get it as she wanted it.
but she desided that alittle to late, so most of her family living
abroad had booked the plane tickets and so on. and would not cancel
that whitout an refound, so then we had to welcome them, and make the
best out of it. witch i did.
so for 2 weeks i made dinner for them all, and to be honest, i felt
i was an great host, i did everything i could to make them welcome,
drove them to see tourist things and so on.
and the day they left our house, she left me, and came out as gay
a cupple of months after.

everything crashed down on me, i feel so betrayed, used in horrible ways.
and my anger and shame is on an level i can not express.


i have bin trying for an year to push all those horrible feeling
down in an little box deep inside, but it does not seem to help
in the long run.
i have not discrimminated gays or anything before, i might not like
it, but iv always thought that ppl have to do what they want.
but now i feel my rage is boiling if i just hear the word lesbian,
or she an picture of Pride, everything that is related to homosexuallty
seems to enrage me, never had an outburst of violence or anything
of the kind, but i fear the day might come.

so yesterday she came publicly out as gay whit an partner, and
i feel so much shame, that the only thing that seems to be an option
is to just end my life, so atleast i dont have to feel that shame,
but again that would only make my daughter devistated.
i think i would have done it an long time ago if it was not for her.


i also resently found an girl i like, and started an new relationship.
and in some ways i found some joy i have not felt in an long time,
but no matter if she makes me happy, i cant rid myself of this shame.
knowing i never should have forgiven my ex,in the first place, and gave her
more chances to use me.
so she got the house i bought, refuse to give me 50% custody
( somthing i want ) so i got to pay more child suport.
on top of that i have to live knowing my daughter is exposed to
lesbians, and will be bullied for that, she is 8 years old now
so i know it will be comming.

my curent girlfriend have told me an while now that i have to
let go on my hatered and hate, for my own, my daughter and her sake.
but how do you even start forgiving somthing like this ? im completly
an loss. just i look at my ex my hate is boiling. the hate is bigger then
iv ever felt. i just feel like letting it out and do mayhem.

im in shock over how some ppl can use and ruin you like that.
Karma gotta kick in soon, how can such cruelty not be punished ?
i think that if i was religous at all, i would have lost faith,
im more or less sitting and hoping for some sort of divine pushishment
to her, to give me alittle closure, but wishing bad things to happen
to someone, dosent that make me cruel ?

so im sitting in dispair,
i refuse to talk to an psychologist, feels like an waste of time and money.
and i cant rly talk about it to to many ppl eather, for the shame part,
and i cant talk about this whitout getting angry
and im afraid to comfort that dirty lesbian, fearing to just snap, and
so somthing horrible. when i have happy dreams about seeing her stoned
to death. how can you calm down such anger and hate.
i cant see how i can come to terms whit this.


so in an place, where others have expierienced simular things, how can you keep on going ? what can possibly help ?