Get up 
Get ready for work
Get my daughter ready for school
Go to work and pretend all is well; wear my wedding rings, sometimes cry on the way to work wipe my face and head into work. Sometimes biting my tongue literally until it bleeds because that will let me focus on something else other than the lump in my throat and pain in my chest 
Get my work done, having to truly concentrate because my mind is always elsewhere; thinking about my life and how it got to this point, the last twenty years, not perfect years by far but some good times along the way and now I just feel like I have just heartache and pain and tears 
Go home even though it does not ever feel like my home anymore, i dread being there, I wish I could take everything there and burn it, I cant remove the photos of you and our daughter but everything else is gone, boxed up, photos, wedding photos honeymoon and vacation, our champaign glasses, cake topper and wedding shadow box, signs with cute sayings, everything boxed up, out of sight but never out of mind. I just cannot look at photos of you as you were and the ones I cant take down, the ones with Marisa, just tears me apart
Wait for my daughter to get home, try to muster up the strength to have fun with her, there is no more family outings to a restaurant or park no planning family vacations or weekend excursions, i cannot stand to even be around you and I cant do things with you or us three anymore. I know she wants to and cant understand why we dont and I hate myself for that but why do I  have to suffer so everyone else can be happy when no one does anything so that I dont suffer  How much more of myself, my soul, my happiness to I sacrifice for others 
I go to bed alone every night, no one here with me watching stupid netflix shows, sometimes ones we use to watch, sometimes new ones I think you may like, none the less it is alone and meaningless 
I go to my charity events alone, sometimes others are there with their spouse and I am extremely jealous because I use to want you there for things and you never were interested in anything I wanted to do. I have political dinners or lunches, town events that I
am involved with and you are never there. I know they wonder why but I cant bring myself to tell anyone the real raeson you are not around 
I dont WANT to WANT a divorce but how much longer can I go through this every day. 
You say YOU dont want to be an old grumpy man
Well I dont want to be an old bitter woman
I want someone to share things with, dinners lunches, trips, vacations, movies, I want a life I dont want to excape from every minute of the day, I just want my life back 
I dont want to adapt to this new you 
I dont wanat ot adapt to this new life 
I dont feel that I should have to 
There were so many times that I could have died and didnt 
lymphoma scare etc but yet here I am and I question for what?
I love my daughter but her in this situation breaks my heart
 

Last edited by StraightSpouse1979 (October 18, 2019 8:28 pm)