Posted by Kaylamarie  October 13, 2019 8:57 am | #1 |
I was with my ex for 6 years and found him with a gay app on his phone. He denied everything but after a week I decided I would never trust him. A year later now I am dating a man that treats me very well. I obsess all the time about whether he is gay and lying to me. I pick apart everything he does. He knows about my past and is always supportive and understanding. So many times I have said to him “please if you know your gay have mercy on me!”. He has stuck by me even after our 7 short months together as I ask him at least once a week if he is sure. I don’t want to be this person. I want to trust again. I just can’t help but be so angry at the gay community for hiding this from their partners and wasting their lives. I know my ex would never have been honest with me and it makes me question everyone. I want to believe that I can be happy again but my anxiety kills me. I am only 29 and the first man I was ever with hurt me so badly. Also he never came out and we had a very active sex life. He never acted homophobic and had so many traits of someone not gay. None of it made sense.
I am just looking for kind words or support: I appreciate everyones input on this site but I have come across a couple people who believe everyone is gay and they says things with that mindset and I am just trying to move on here. I want out of this purgatory!
|
Posted by Daryl October 13, 2019 11:04 am | #2 |
Hi Kaylamarie, this is very understandable. Once bitten, twice shy. The truth is, everyone is not gay. Some people are, some are not. Then there's a huge swath of people who do everyday things that you can't really pin down as gay or straight but we can talk ourselves into seeing this a "proof" of one or the other. Much of life is a risk, including love and relationships, but that's also where the biggest rewards lay.
Living with anxiety can be hard, especially after experiencing some type of trauma. If possible you should see what your treatment options are as it can hold you back from experiencing all that life can offer. If he's equally serious about you, he should also learn more about anxiety and living with someone with that condition.
You have nothing to lose and much to gain including better self-esteem and more confidence. By deciding you want to get off this treadmill, you've already made the first step. Keep going!
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
|
Posted by Kaylamarie October 13, 2019 12:07 pm | #3 |
Thanks so much Daryl. It helps to hear encouragement. I want to be happy which used to come naturally to me but now I have to work for happiness. I feel bad that the future scares me. My partner asked me to move in with him some time ago and when I told him I was not ready he understood. I told him the future is just not something I cant think about or I will crawl in a ball and hide. I want to be excited about the future but right now I’m too fearful. Day at a time is important, just not easy to live by. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be okay but excepting I’m not yet is probably important to my healing. Learning to work through this and being kind to myself. Why is it so hard to be kind of ourselves?! Lol
