Posted by givemestrength  October 8, 2019 9:45 pm | #1 |
Hi - my husband of 30+ years - a man I met on our first day of high school and married at 22 years old....I found out he was gay last Saturday, and I think he played me so that I would find out and he would not actually have to say the words. It happened at an Oktoberfest event, about an hour after I thought about asking him to dance with me.
We have 3 adult children, a daughter in law and a new grandbaby. I don't know who I am anymore. He'd been gaslighting me for years - I'd looked up the term years ago and had no idea if I was insane or if this was it. Then I thought I had early onset dementia because he kept telling me I wasn't remember things right.
All I have of this life is massive debt. No job, no assets, and no husband. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
I am currently staying at my son and DIL's house, taking care of their baby until further notice. I have no money to start a divorce and I desperately want one. Please somebody tell me that I will be okay. Please somebody tell me that a 53 year old woman with nothing can still be okay. Because I am not currently okay.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 8, 2019 10:20 pm | #2 |
Welcome to our Forum Givemestrength
You will be okay 
Moving in with your son and daughter-in-law gives you breathing space, a safe place to decide what direction you're going in. You've come to the very best place for strength
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Lyonene October 9, 2019 2:57 pm | #3 |
"Please somebody tell me that a 53 year old woman with nothing can still be okay. Because I am not currently okay"
You definitely can be okay. I'm 52 years old and I have a 4 year old son. I'm okay. I struggle some days, but it's worth it. I'd rather be happy alone than miserable with company.
What happened that you feel he is gay? Did he tell you?
Talk to someone if you can, a friend, brother/sister, and try to line up a counselor for yourself if you need. Things can get overwhelming. Talking here is a good place to start unburdening yourself.
Take care.
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Posted by Rob October 9, 2019 5:01 pm | #4 |
You dont have dementia. The gaslighting was one of the most insidious things I experienced.
Your going to be ok from this day forward.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by givemestrength October 10, 2019 8:13 am | #5 |
Here's how I found out: Last weekend we were out on a date, sitting next to each other. He said he had a picture to show me (maybe of our grandbaby, I dunno). He scrolled while I looked over his shoulder and he ever so slightly paused at a - let's just say a photo of man without clothes on. Kept scrolling and ultimately said he couldn't find what he was looking for to show me. Right.
I went blank and said, "what was that?" He said, oh just somebody from poker. Poker - a game he never liked but all of a sudden started playing weekly nearly a year ago, and progressively/oddly got angrier and angrier with ME over time for not finding my own friends - we'd always kind of had mutual friends. Fast forward through me freaking out all night - he admitted he's gay. Busted into admitting it or planted for me to freak out so he wouldn't have to proactively say it.
Last night I ended up at an urgent care thinking I was having a heart attack. Nope. Just panic. In this lovely mess, I don't get to see my family much anymore. I'll need to move hundreds of miles away in the next few weeks, to a friend willing to help me get on my feet (I have no job). I'll need to NOT see my kids and grandbaby, a baby who's come to see me as the next closest thing to her momma b/c I've been caring for her since she was born when her momma went back to work. We'll all be too far away to see each other much anymore.
I am overwhelmed (and all the other adjectives inserted), but the gay isn't "the thing," it is the lies for all of my adult life. I'm imagining he'll be welcomed wholeheartedly into his new community and I'm...out in the desert somewhere like a grain of sand, embarrassed and alone and floundering. I'm sure the pity party will end at some point but I'm not there yet. It's only been 4 days since I"ve "taken the red pill."
He ran after me in high school. I turned him down for years. Finally let him catch me in college. And now I need to have as little contact as possible to honor the process of mediation - I can't see him unless we have to see each other b/c my emotions are too much. But that's another rabbit hole .
One thing I know for sure - for the 1st time in 30 years, I know I'm not crazy.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset October 10, 2019 8:58 am | #6 |
givemestrength:
His "accidentally" (on purpose) revealing that photo was a lead in to a classic move on his part: it's not what he did that's the problem, it's your reaction to it .
In reality, of course, it IS what he did, and not, as you say, just the sexual activities: it's the lying and the deception and the WILLINGNESS to do this to you all your adult, married life.
Your dual reactions--pain, but relief at having your perceptions validated--are entirely normal.
May I ask why you won't be able to see your family? Is it because he remains in the closet and you don't want them to know? If so, I can only say that if you agree to that, you become the one bearing the burden now that he has disclosed, just as you were while you married and in the dark. Please figure out a plan for telling the truth. As I know to my sorrow, keeping his secret only compounds the difficulty over time.
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Posted by Lyonene October 10, 2019 11:28 am | #7 |
Givemestrength,
I hope you are informing your adult children. Not telling them puts you in a whole new closet. If you suddenly disappear to go live with your friend, your adult kids are likely to be confused, suspicious, and I hate to say this, but this forum has seen it happen, you'll give him the time and lone access to them to set the blame for the split at your feet.
I'm so sorry to hear about your panic attack. The shock of it all is just so much to deal with.
We all definitely understand the years you've lost via lies and manipulation. It feels downright criminal, doesn't it?
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Posted by givemestrength October 10, 2019 12:27 pm | #8 |
Oh, I don't think he plans to remain in the closet. In fact, he's calling our kids today to tell them. Probably not the exact truth but close enough. And it seems he's been working on his gay support network for a long time. Watched me quit my job to watch the baby, etc - anger is one emotion I need an immediate outlet for because I don't want to continue to give him fodder.
Contact with my kiddos and grandbaby will be limited only because of the distance. I'll be 6 hours away from them - our youngest daughter though is in a different state. If I had a way to be closer to them, I would. And maybe in the not-to-distant future I'll be back and on my own. Stronger. But in the meantime, especially through the holidays I do not fathom how to do it emotionally. I appreciate you all so much. This site. I have to go slow though b/c I'm holding together by a an off-brand bandaid at the moment.
I agree to no more lies. No more worrying about what will mitigate his anger or embarrass him etc., I'm so done. I will not keep his secret. And letting him be the one to tell the kids - that's all the quiet I can be.
The lies and manipulation got into my DNA - I didn't recognize it. Thought something was wrong with me all this time. Fear has ruled my life. No more.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 10, 2019 1:04 pm | #9 |
givemestrength wrote:
..........One thing I know for sure - for the 1st time in 30 years, I know I'm not crazy......
Good! You've realised you're not.....now you need to get angry. Not crazy, hair-pulling, horrible-thoughts angry but carefully considered, this is my! life angry. If you have a friend willing to give you shelter, even though it's far away, you need to tell your son and DIL why. And that may...no it will....open up a whole other support path. I'm not saying they'll have the answer but "a problem shared is a problem halved"
KIA KAHA
