OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Captive

**Posted by StraightSpouse1979** October 8, 2019 5:17 pm

Does anyone else feel like they have been taken captive?
Like some hostage to their spouse on many levels?
I have tried talking to my MTF husband about my leaving and how we would handle the home and custody and all I get is I am not leaving this house nor Marisa over his dead body.
That he will drag us through court for custody when all I want from him is to just work with me so I can get a nice place for myself and our daughter but he refuses to give me physical custody (we'd share custody because I wouldnt leave the town we reside in now and the whole town is like three miles long)
But he thinks that my staying here getting to do what or whomever I want should be some prize and I should be thankful that I can have extramarital relationships while living here
Were we in this huge romantic whirlwind when this all came to surface, no, but I was happy and comfortable. I didnt feel like a prisoner to my home and my life. I was able to go places with him and us as a family without feeling like I am suffocating. I could look at him without wanting to vomit, scream, cry or run away. I didnt want to crawl into a hole. I didnt want to run away I was proud of him and wanted to take him to my events and meet the people i know through charity and politics. I wasnt ashamed of my husband or marriage. HE HAS caused all of that and yet i should be THANKFUL for what i HAVE and what he has ACCEPTED as some things i may CHOOSE to engage in. I since not having a marital status have gotten so many friends requests from men, guy friends who know whats going on circle me like sharks in a blood infested ocean and i dont jump to any of their offers. WHY? Because its gross to think of doing that. If we divorce I feel like I will probably at 40 just be done with the idea of any relationship because I was thankful i didnt HAVE to worry about dating again

**Posted by Rob** October 9, 2019 4:58 pm

It hurts when they say they'll take our kids away. Dont believe it. Where I am the courts favor the mother and he would have to prove extraordinary circumstances to gwt sole custody. Let him try in court. My lawyer told me it would cost 3 to 4x more if I wanted to seek sole custody.

Sounds lkke he needs to learn how a divorce works.

**Posted by StraightSpouse1979** October 9, 2019 6:21 pm

His mom works for an attorney, he esentially gets free legal services.

**Posted by Whirligig** October 9, 2019 6:32 pm

Unless he can somehow prove you unfit it's still unlikely he'd be awarded anything more than 50/50. I doubt he wants that much responsibility. He's too self-focused. Also, his assets are your assets too if you're married.

**Posted by Roo** October 11, 2019 11:28 am

Captive! ... Even though we have no children, this is exactly how I feel...with no way to escape.

**Posted by Alley123** October 12, 2019 7:40 am

I feel that so much. I’m stuck. I live in a very small country town. I have to stay until my kids graduate from high school. I won’t make them change schools with everything else messed up. It’s only 3 more years but sometimes it feels like it’s forever. And I won’t make it through. I wish my mtf husband would give me choices. I was given no choice and no opinion. It’s assumed the straight spouse will make adjustments and be just as happy. My therapist is afraid I’ll lose myself even more. And she’s right. I lost myself over the past few years. I’m struggling to stay afloat. It’s been so long I can’t remember how to be myself. You would think I could do 3 more years. Sounds easy after accepting my reality. But I just want to be myself again and move on with my life. Right now my kids are more important. They don’t know so I live like everything is good. Every day feels like I’m trapped and there’s no way out.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** October 12, 2019 8:00 am

Alley123,
I don't know your situation--whether you are employed, whether you have seen a lawyer to learn what your rights are--but it may be helpful for you to hear this: You don't STAY for the kids; you LEAVE for the kids. You leave so you can model for them self-respect, healthy boundaries, and relationships that are not based on abusive behavior.
If you want out, there is a way out, although you may have to bush-whack that path out yourself.