OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Before and After

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** October 2, 2019 5:40 pm

All,
I thought some of you, too, might agree with the sentiments expressed in the poem below, which was written by a participant in Sloan-Kettering's "Visible Ink" program for cancer survivors. I found it expressive of how I think about my life pre-and post the trans thing.

All I Want
By Sarah Porwoll

I’m bored by the repetition of day-to-day life
So I rarely feel like
Each day is a gift
Now
I know
I can’t explain how it feels to believe that
To be normal
Makes me feel like all I want is
The unexpected
Then my world turned upside down

Then my world turned upside down
The unexpected
Makes me feel like all I want is
To be normal
I can’t explain how it feels to believe that
I know
Now
Each day is a gift
So I rarely feel like
I'm bored by the repetition of everyday life.

**Posted by OnMyOwnTwoFeet** October 3, 2019 10:31 pm

Thank you. I have often had similar thoughts. What is it like to have a normal day? What IS that anyway?

**Posted by iamthelorax** October 4, 2019 6:26 am

Repetition of every day life can be very comforting. The Saturday routines, the scheduled workout times, the familiarity. When your life is emotional chaos, the little things really help and build your new normal.

**Posted by Leah** October 10, 2019 3:51 am

Yes, I feel so untethered to my life without the familiar rhythms of work and school, but I am starting to feel the glimpses of recovery like little buds in spring. I'm not crying with the repetitive story in my head now. I feel more grateful to be free of the mental torture of wondering what/if he would stay faithful and just the silence and general hostility that often came up. I am free of him. And my life is turning back to me, to being about what I want and can do. It is still a struggle to embrace the freedom I didn't want from my lovely home and surrounded by old familiar friends. Now everything is new. I bought a dress that wasn't "me" and thought, I can rock that....who am I now? A woman who can do whatever she pleases really (within reason and budget of course!)

Each day is a gift. And normal is not an option now. I still find it all so ironic. All I wanted was a calm, predictable suburban life.... geez. so. not. this....

Finding the gift in that is my challenge everyday. Life is out of my comfort zone nearly always these days it seems, so I must be growing if all those trite sayings are true....

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 10, 2019 12:46 pm

Leah wrote:
........ I feel more grateful to be free of the mental torture of wondering what/if he would stay faithful ................................ And normal is not an option now.
.................................... All I wanted was a calm, predictable suburban life....
These 3 sentences spoke to me, a window into the other side of the storm

This too.....
Finding the gift in that is my challenge everyday. Life is out of my comfort zone nearly always these days it seems, so I must be growing if all those trite sayings are true....

**Posted by Leah** October 10, 2019 3:54 pm

Ellexoh,

Sending you big hugs. That comfort zone is overrated. We can grow and transform into people that we might not have been able to be stuck in the closet with our GID dickheads. It is a challenge and I love your quote...I think I need one that says. If the stairs are too much, then it is perfectly fine to just lie on the couch for a bit. Hills, naaahhh that is for next week/year/decade when I'm feeling a bit stronger.....