Currently we have no formal agreement. The kids are at an age where it wouldn’t matter anyway. But the financials were never set for custody because it was 50/50. Now that’s changed.

She wanted to do this in an informal way, we refused and are taking it to court. Even if it costs more in the end, it’s a legal document and she can’t cry fowl anymore.

I hope the kids do come around. Right now they’re mad at me for having a “new family”, which are their mothers’ words. Once again, it was great for her to leave and be gay, I’m a monster for getting married.

So sorry to hear that about your new wife. I think that is is hard enough to marry a person with children without also having the other parent behaving destructively. I hope that you and she can step back enough from this triggering situation and focus on what attracted you to each other and your relationship. 

When we were dating there were moments we broke up because of GX's misbehaviour. The second episode was when she admitted what had happened, these all lead to me having panic attacks without knowing what those were. Then we have the problems she caused with the kids and then of course, the kids acting up themselves. When I discussed alternatives with the lawyer (we had already had a game plan but I wanted to hear the lawyer out), she decided I was giving in to the GX before it even started. 

So far, speaking to her just leads to anger. Will see what comes of it.

I'm going to give you my perspective as a middle-aged single woman who doesn't know you. Take it for what you will and please believe I mean no offense but I thought it might give you some idea of what your wife is feeling.

Here goes. There is nothing that feels more tedious or time-wasting than a man who is still entangled with either his ex or his mother. Dating. Relationship. Whatever. A woman does not want to come second to a former love, GX or not. If you are focusing all your energy on placating the GX or fighting the GX or talking incessantly about the GX and how awful she is, then your focus is not on your now wife and your life together. She's sympathetic right? But she's your wife and not a therapist. She's also your primary relationship now. She needs to feel like she is.

If you add in that you had a game-plan with your wife who you then cut out so you could look at other options she's absolutely going to start to wonder why the hell she's even there. You're either a team or you're not. Full stop. You either respect her place as your wife and the decisions you made together or you don't.

That's hard right? After all, they are your kids. This relationship existed before you met her. But she's in it now. Her resources are being used up by this too. You can't make those kinds of choices alone even if you're just thinking you want to hear more options. If you do she's absolutely going to walk. If it's not too late, maybe you two should get some help setting healthy boundaries on this issue with a counselor. Stick to them. Don't make unilateral decisions on your own. You know how bad those feel. Anyway, sorry. This probably sounds like a lecture but if you want your relationship to work, it's worth considering. Good luck!

Edited to add that I don't think this is sex specific either. I've been that hot mess on the blind date who humiliated herself by bursting into tears when asked about my last relationship and who couldn't stop talking about the ex-boyfriend on another blind date (with a guy who couldn't stop talking about his ex-wife). It's not good or healthy for anyone. I stopped dating so I could get better. You're married but sounds like you could use some help too. We're here for you. Don't give up. I apologize if I seemed harsh. I actually relate to your experience a lot. I've had my share of panic attacks. Here's hoping you feel better soon.

Last edited by Whirligig (October 3, 2019 7:59 pm)

I think the attempted enmeshment of the ex-spouse in the straight spouses new family life may be a common problem.  WG your advice is sound and totally on point.  The new spouse must come first and it’s one more dimension to the straight spouse experience and what I call the long shadow of TGT.

I still feel my ex intrudes in our new life and it takes fortitude to hold those boundaries. Whether it’s my daughter sharing a story with my wife and I about my ex and her lesbian partner, or it’s my ex intervening on my parenting style it’s an ongoing emotional nuisance and intrusion.

ADSJ