I’ve answered this question before here and my advice is  don’t focus solely on the orientation, but focus on broader character traits.  As you read the narratives here, you will find common behaviors even in the kindest GID spouses.  Between here, the Chump Lady site and other resources you will find a profile of either subtle narcissistic traits or extremely overt narcissistic traits in the GID or trans spouse. Under the absolute best circumstances they have struggled with their desires, were afraid to be gay or trans and either consciously or subconsciously pulled us into their closet.  Upon closer examination you will also find an imbalance of reciprocity in the relationship. (After we announced our divorce, I was surprised at the number of friend’s comments on how much I accommodated in the relationship. )

Specific to the orientation, a real good first check is to ask if they use gay porn or ever had one or more homosexual experiences and what did they think of it. If patterns of either of these behaviors exist and they dismiss them as experimental, or normal adolescent or youthful behavior,  or dismiss for some other reason  ( e.g. abuse), in the narratives here, it’s a pretty common flag on the gay front and that they don’t want to accept that they are.

In seeking productive loving relationships, Gordon Livingston has a book called How to Love which articulated a good set of personality traits to avoid and to seek in a loving  relationship. 

Hope this helps,

All the best,

ADSJ

This turned out to be relative for me..   My GX was so horrible...i realized no one could treat me as badly as she did.  She was abnormally immoral, narcisstic, and broken. 

Also I learned a lot of self love..the slightest hint of narcissm or TGT and I would run for the hills.

There are a lot of kind, straight people out there..that you deserve to meet...dont let your spouse make you think otherwise.

beingatpeace,
    GX=Gay ex
    TGT= The Gay Thing
There's a thread on jargon/terms just below the thread "First Aid Kit"

You may not want or be able to hear this right now, but it's more likely your partner has deserted you because he's got a boyfriend, or that he is trying to come to terms with his sexuality--his gayness--and muster the courage to come out, than it is that he's "confused."
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 27, 2019 4:29 pm)

On your belief system being shocked, his reason for desertion crushed the cornerstone of a heterosexual relationship. It is earth shattering. Hold on to your beliefs, you are not the one with the problem.

You couldn’t know. He had other traits you admired and he hid this orientation question from you.  I dated at least one other lesbian ( maybe 2) before my ex-wife and asked myself the same question. They had other traits I admired and shared interests i loved including athletic activity. I concluded they had the same personality trait ( or disorder) as my ex and my friend - the confluence of their fear of being gay and selfish ness to bring another into the closet was their problem not mine. Once you find yourself in their closet it’s time to exit and stay out. ( this is why I like OOHCs name so much, it’s poignant).

Do not doubt yourself or your beliefs.  Most of us here are simply empathetic accommodating souls with lots of love to provide and these folks need those traits to live a life of denial.  Once you can identify subtleties of narcissism and avoid it you will not need to fear this again. 

All the best,

ADSJ

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (September 27, 2019 2:01 pm)

a_dads_straight_journey wrote:

 The effect of GID has cast enough of a lifelong shadow on my children and my new life I don’t have the capacity to introduce more shade in my life voluntarily.

Yes! They can't keep dragging innocent people and use them as safety vests to keep floating in the world. I'm sorry you and your children have to go through this. It's really despicable. At a certain point, enough is enough. This is borderline abuse - emotional abuse.

We're supposed to get married in a year or two. We live together but I've moved out when he suddenly imposed a no contact black out. It's really an overwhelming time. Work is extremely stressful as well. So I feel like I'm being hammered externally and internally. 

Thank you for your words of encouragement and shedding light during these dark times. It is a gift- I haven't thought of it that way. I'll never know who he really is if he's GID. I can't go through life dealing with all the complexities of a GID partner. I am not familiar with their world. Like you said, I'm not in the closet and I have to stay out.

You mentioned you dated one or two lesbians, prior to your ex-wife. Did they come out while you were married to your ex and if so, was this ever mentioned to her? What was her reaction then ?

[ quote =a_dads_straight_journey] ​Do not doubt yourself or your beliefs.  Most of us here are simply empathetic accommodating souls with lots of love to provide and these folks need those traits to live a life of denial.  Once you can identify subtleties of narcissism and avoid it you will not need to fear this again. [/ quote ]​

Thank you for your sound advice. You really hit it on the nail. We're always the giver cause when we love, we love whole-heartedly. I'm learning more and more about the subtleties of narcissism. This isn't just regular narcissism. They really leveled-up their kung fu in deceptions.

I'm so glad there is a forum like this.