OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / yesterday... I saw my husband with a man on pet cam.

**Posted by Belloboo** September 25, 2019 8:41 pm

Hello, I found this site today. and feel safe venting here,
I am out of house- bi weekly for 8 hours on tues and he works in afternoons. He has the morning free..I suspected one time last month when I was gone, I've had a strong gut feeling for quite a while now,
so I purchased and Set up a pet cam (secretly) and WOW I wish I didn't.. I can't un-know or un-see what I saw and have no idea what to do with it. I have known for many years he was bi-curious and early on in our marriage we experimented and explored it together as I wanted to love him as he was. That did not last long , can't really remember why..but I know, i did not like it. Apparently he did..
Over the past 5 years our sex life has almost disappeared.
I feel so disrespected and betrayed right now. Why did he wait till I was older and not young and hot anymore, till I am out of working and retired into a life I know. . Why has he wasted all my best years... for what???? has this been going on for years?
I am 56 been married (3rd time) for 14 and together 17 years. I don't work other then one day every other week and don't know what to do...I can't leave. him
I am devastated and also feel like I don't deserve to be.. (I once cheated on him, I explored years ago with a women and it was short lived and ended as fast as it started), But the fact remains that .... I cheated and then realized it was not for me and that I loved him. But this secret was kept to myself. Now I feel as if I don't deserve to feel my anger and sadness because Ive done this in past. Karma and perhaps I deserve this,,,
I am completely frozen,!!!! I have not said anything to him about this as it was just yesterday and I can't feel normal enough to discuss.
I can see his concern.I said my back hurt and slept in reclining chair last night. What will I say tonight as I am grossed out and can't sleep next to him right now.,I am ashamed as well and angry and sad by what I witnessed on video cam. He is and has been lying to me and I thought we would retire in a few years and live together till the end. we have been planning retirement together.
he looks worried, Does he wonder if I know of his deceit and lies? am I allowed to feel this way?.what way do I even feel ? he looked so sad and guilty after the guy left in the video (pretty sure it was a CL hook up-M4M thing. and I felt bad for him. What is wrong with me and why can I not decide how I actually feel. I cant sleep with him. Ewww
I go from cursing to crying to cursing and then feeling like I deserve it and its cycling, I need help and can't deal with this...I don't know how and have no one I can tell that my husband is either bi or gay, not sure. but he is cheating and lying actively. how could I shame him and tell him I watched this, can I do that to a man I love...
*** I am really messed up right now...I need someone to tell me what to do...I am so lost.,confused and devastated.. Any advice is welcome, I need to go to sleep soon before he is home at 11pm. so he can't see my face, my mood. I am not ready to deal with this yet. I a am not a good faker.

Last edited by Belloboo (September 25, 2019 9:06 pm)

**Posted by Abby** September 25, 2019 9:03 pm

I'll make this quick because I don't know what time it is where you are but I suggest that you say nothing now and fake a cold or stomach virus if needed. When he is not around look for a counselor to help you process your feelings and regain your self-esteem so you can sort out what you want to do. Good luck.

**Posted by Belloboo** September 25, 2019 9:05 pm

Thank you.

**Posted by Rob** September 25, 2019 9:50 pm

Belloboo,

You are in shock. I urge you as others suggested to try to maintain status quo and find support. Breath. You do not have to make any big decisions at once.

I cannot imagine actual video of a spouse cheating in this way. It must be totally traumatizing. I would find a psychiatrist and therapist in that order.. You may need medication to help with the anxiety, trauma and overwhelming shock of it.

I eventually had sought medical help after physically shaking when my GX was out with the girlfriend.

This is not something to handle alone. Even if you confront him you do not want to do so when in this shocked state. Seek support, strength and wellness first..you can deal with his crap and all it means later.

**Posted by Belloboo** September 25, 2019 10:21 pm

Thank you .

Tomorrow , I am seeking a therapist. I agree that I need time to sort out my thoughts and feelings with a therapist. I will just sit on this a while and get myself sorted out. I appreciate being able to vent and getting good feedback. Really Thank you! Both.i already feel hope.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** September 25, 2019 10:29 pm

I echo the advice. Breathe. You are in shock.
Here's something that you need to know: you are processing right now what he has known--and done--for years. That is, you are playing catch up. The likelihood is that he has already prepared a response...in case. So do not rush into confrontation. Because you are in shock you are vulnerable. Play your cards close to your chest, and take some time to do a little processing--preferably with a therapist AND a lawyer.

**Posted by walkbymyself** September 26, 2019 3:38 pm

Bellaboo, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You have a lot to deal with right now, and a lot to absorb, and i strongly support what everyone else here is saying: don't rush. Your feelings change a lot, particularly in the beginning. My suggestion is that you learn what you can, but hold off saying anything until you feel a little more certain of your feelings.

I made my initial discovery in December 2017, but didn't really understand the extent of his involvement until July 2018, and even after that i kept making new and shocking discoveries. Sometimes you learn more by not letting on you know; they get overconfident and make mistakes.

**Posted by Lyonene** September 28, 2019 12:56 pm

This is heartbreaking. I echo everyone else's sentiments, take the time to find support. This is so shocking, you're in a twirl and need something to ground you.

The second thing is while you are looking for a therapist, please make an appt with your physician and get a full std screen done. You don't need to battle on the health front at the same time you're bracing for battle on the mental/emotional front.

Take care of you.

**Posted by Belloboo** September 28, 2019 2:26 pm

Thanks everyone for your compassion, support and your story’s and advise. I’m listening.
Yet....I have done nothing as I am completely frozen in a endless fog. I don’t know why or how but I lost it yesterday and confided in my daughter. I dumped it all on her and feel badly. She is a therapist and is going to help me find one. For now ... thank you all for your help. It means a lot to me to have some support right now....

**Posted by lily** September 29, 2019 5:07 pm

Hi Bell - I hope things are going well for you with your daughter - I know you said you felt bad about telling her but it is hopefully going well and such a good thing to have done otherwise she is left wondering what is going on with you and now you have her support. Most importantly, you have broken the wall of silence, the closet door.

Your husband's 'spidey senses' must be tingling like crazy by now. He will be wanting you to confide in him. Try not to say anything to him. He is not the one you want to blurt it out to, but glad you were able to with your daughter.

look after yourself, all the best, Lily