Hello Straight Spouses,

I initially started my journey here as "cindys" and then discovered my GIDH had figured out my sign on name and read my posts.  So I then changed my name to "violated" and got a new computer and pass word. When I first signed on in February 2018, I was so afraid. I had discovered after 43 years of marriage TGT: gay porn, anal dildos, searches on my GIDH's iPhone for gay bars searches, hepatitis B diagnosis never disclosed, and the list went on and on.

After my discovery of TGT, then I confronted my GIDH. OMG.....then came the gas lighting, his lies. I was trying to make sense of his non sense. I wanted to believe him so badly. I thought I was going crazy. I had to write down his answers to my questions, cause he was always changing them and then denied that he said what he had said. I seriously was questioning my sanity. But you all (SSN Spouses) saved me. You helped me see the truth. I would post my concerns and you answered me, you supported me, and I paid attention. You gave me strength, but most of all Hope, the hope that I deserved better. And most importantly, it was time to think about what was best for me. Once I stopped focusing on him, and stop wasting my time trying to get him to confess he was gay, I started to heal. My healing started with I focused on me and not him.

So, I pushed forward, I filed for divorced and it was finalized within 4 months. Although , at times I was angry, with me my main emotion was overwhelming sadness, it still creeps in. But there was also relief. I have to say, I always have loved my GIDXH, and still do. I think he probably loves me to the best of his ability, but he is a gay man, and I didn't sign up for that. 

So now it is all about me. I am OK. I live alone, and most days I am happy. I focus on what brings me joy. I joined new clubs, I volunteer, I learned to play pickle ball, I have traveled on 2 single cruises, I joined book clubs. I have great friends. I even went on a few dates. After the second date, I decided I am not ready for dating, yet. He was a nice man, but, I am not ready.....I would rather be home with a good book and a piece of cheesecake than on a date with a man. I realized I can be happy w/o a man, I can lead a fulfilled life.

I just want to thank you , all. You were there for me during the worst time of my life. It does get better. I am OK. And OK is good enough.

Always, cindys........violated