OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Why is it so hard to walk?

**Posted by Expecto86** September 3, 2019 7:01 pm

Hi All,

I find my story to be eerily similar to so many of you here. And even though I see bits and pieces of my own life in each story, I still feel drawn to post my own story.
My husband and I have been together 16 years. Started dating when we were 15/16. First relationships for both of us. He was shy and quiet and I liked that.
I'm going to try to make 16 years short.
In high school, he wouldn't touch me in front of anyone at all. He would often ignore me in the hallways. This was after we were dating. It took him 2 years to "work up the nerve" to kiss me.
I always wanted to wait until I was married to have sex and he respected that. Maybe a little too much. We were 7 years into our relationship before things really got heated. All along I thought he was just shy and sweet and we were doing things the right way.
College, we lived about an hour an a half apart. He went away and I stayed home to live. He never invited me down to stay with him. I thought that was weird. His roommate/best friend was gay. He saw me on the weekends but it was almost always like an afterthought. That stung a little.
I found gay porn on his computer in college. He blamed his brother? I half believed him
He proposed in 2011. We got married in 2012. Wedding night was a disaster.
After the wedding night and honeymoon, the sex just died.
Remember, we didn't have sex until our wedding night so literally weeks/a month or so after we started having sex it was already dying.
I was dying. I craved attention and love and passion.
I ALWAYS initiated. He made excuses as to why he didn't. "You seemed in a bad mood" "Your stomach was bothering you" (I have a stomach disease so pretty much my stomach is always bothering me), etc.
We have been married 7 years now and it's pretty much the same story. Very little, if no sex. He struggles to keep it up. He has to concentrate SO hard when we do try. There's no fun or laughter or passion. Just the same routine each time. I'm fairly attractive, I think. He never responded to lingerie or anything "sexy" when it came to me. Never told me I was sexy or hot or anything, which isn't a huge deal but still odd.
All his friends are women or are gay men. He's extremely involved in musical theater.
About a month and a half ago, I found a ridiculous amount of gay porn on his phone internet history. I continued to find it over the next few weeks. I found live chat rooms, webcams, searches for penis pictures, searches for pictures of men shirtless, etc.
I had never looked through his phone before because I just didn't feel the need. But something in me MADE me look that morning. I don't know what but something just said "you have to".
I've always suspected it but just didn't it to be true.
He denied everything. Twice. Insists he loves me (which I don't doubt..just not the way you're suppose to love your spouse).
I'm ready to leave and get my life started. I'm only 32 so I feel like I have so much life left to live. We have no children so that makes things a little bit easier.
As much as I am ready to leave, I am really struggling to walk. I think it's mainly because I feel bad for him and I hate that he'll be going through all this.
Is this normal? Shouldn't I be more angry?
No one in my life understands what I'm going through. They're all just angry.
I guess what I'm asking is "Am I doing the right thing?"
I know I am but I feel like I just need support that everything is going to be okay.

Last edited by Expecto86 (September 3, 2019 7:08 pm)

**Posted by Abby** September 3, 2019 8:10 pm

If you ever want to have children it sounds as if you almost HAVE to leave him. Whether or not he will ever acknowledge that he is attracted to men sexually he has demonstrated time and time again that he is not sexually attracted to you.

You can add yeast to cement but it won't make it rise. It never will because the chemistry isn't right. Trust me, you are making the right decision.

**Posted by Whirligig** September 3, 2019 8:21 pm

You are doing the right thing by walking away! It's hard, though, isn't it when you feel compassion and love for someone else? But where is his compassion for you? You don't deserve to be cheated on or deprived of love and intimacy.

Wanting out doesn't mean you have to give up your kindness but you should extend some of that kindness for yourself. He has to work out his own issues. You can't fix those for him. As a fellow fixer I feel your pain! We want to help! But sticking around does neither of you any good. He's relying on you and will never grow if you continue to allow him to use you to avoid dealing with himself. Especially now that you have confirmation. Don't enable that.

You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself and the potential for a happy life to protect him. He's an adult. Be a friend if you want but don't feel obligated to stay through a misguided sense of responsibility for him and his happiness. I've struggled with that same pull you're feeling of not wanting them to face their struggles alone, wondering if you could make it work, feeling like you are abandoning someone when they need you...but a relationship is not something you can maintain all on your own. And you shouldn't have to carry a burden for him that he isn't willing to carry for himself. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are, but I would gently suggest that you not let them override your common sense here. Best wishes for you as you make your choices. It's so very hard!

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** September 3, 2019 8:45 pm

WG I second everything you said.
Abby the chemistry analogy is so true.
E86 one way to think about the difficulty is sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. (or at least feel like you are being cruel). If you want an intimate relationship you will have to look elsewhere.

Good luck with your decision.

All the best,

ADSJ

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (September 3, 2019 8:47 pm)

**Posted by morpheus** September 4, 2019 12:23 am

It's not only about intimacy or having children. You won't trust him anymore, so it will ruin your partnership in a longer term.
You can not hurt him more than he does it to himself.
You shouldn't be with him just because he would feel bad after you two brake up.
I think, it's enough of pain in your life, you deserve something better. Good luck!

Last edited by morpheus (September 4, 2019 4:48 am)

**Posted by Rob** September 4, 2019 11:26 am

Expect,

It is hard and its a decision one has to come to on ones own.

If you put aside lack of intimacy, wanting of children...you already experienced the hurt and dishonesty..ie. Having to check his phone, his working with gay people and having to wonder..
The stress and anxiety of wondering what he is doing will eat you up.. Its not normal..not how someone that loves you should be treating you. The lies will not get better. You know this deep in your bones..checking his phone you were probably thinking, as i was, why do i have to do this? What kind of person keeps secrets from their spouse like this. Why am I not enough? Why is he hurting me like this?

This is not us leaving them..this is them rejecting us.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 4, 2019 3:23 pm

Expecto86 wrote:
Hi All,

I find my story to be eerily similar to so many of you here. And even though I see bits and pieces of my own life in each story, I still feel drawn to post my own story.....

Welcome Expecto....you've come to the right place
You have support. It maybe online but no-one here is going to get angry or frustrated with you
because we all know what you're going through

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (September 4, 2019 7:57 pm)

**Posted by Daryl** September 4, 2019 7:24 pm

"About a month and a half ago, I found a ridiculous amount of gay porn on his phone internet history. I continued to find it over the next few weeks. I found live chat rooms, webcams, searches for penis pictures, searches for pictures of men shirtless, etc. "
- this isn't the actions of a straight man.

As for being angry, maybe you're not at that stage yet or perhaps you're not inclined to turn to anger. We all deal with this differently in terms of levels of anger, sadness, and other emotions.

Deciding something needs to change and then to start moving forward on that premise can sometimes be the hardest part of the process. I think some of our spouses want to stay in their comfortable closet for that reason. They don't want anything to change and are fearful of what it might mean to be come to terms with their sexuality. Unfortunately that also dooms us to live in that joyless, dark closet with them.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Life changes with a destination not quite in sight are always tough ones to embrace. Although you may not know what is in store for you if you leave, what's likely to happen if you don't?

**Posted by Expecto86** September 5, 2019 7:07 am

Thank you all SO very much for your input! It has been more helpful than you can even imagine.
So many of you are so right in that it's not so much who he is, but the lack of trust and the deceit. I would never trust him again, no matter what he says to me.
I am in no way angry that he's gay. I think I have known for years. I'm upset that hes drug me through it with him and as Daryl said, kept me in this joyless, dark closet with him.
This is not the light I want to live.
I do feel the anger starting to come. Watching him float about the house like nothing is wrong. He acts as if he didn't just shatter my world. It's such a mind f*ck. He still tells me he loves me but every time he leans in to kiss my forehead, I'm reminded that this is what the rest of my life will be life if I don't walk now.
I've lived for him for so many years and I want to live for me now. I'm exhausted from all the stress and anxiety over the years. He's convinced me numerous times that I'm the crazy one so I've been to counseling and started medication in the past. I've wondered what was wrong with me that my husband didn't want to touch me.
But guess what? I wasn't the crazy one! And nothing was wrong with ME. Surprise, surprise!
You all are an amazing support group and I am BEYOND glad I found y'all in the beginning of my journey to a new, happier life!

**Posted by Rob** September 5, 2019 7:53 am

"Watching him float about the house like nothing is wrong. He acts as if he didn't just shatter my world. It's such a mind f*ck."

I wanted to add.. it was this ...not just TGT that I fled by ending my marriage. It is an alternate moral reality.... her coming home at 2am and floating about the next day like nothing is wrong.. It is, in a single word, a form of abuse.. One will think one is going crazy.,,, ie maybe she/he is not out having sex..maybe its just me... because he/she came home at 2am but today they say they love me..

I live in real reality now where if someone says they love you they mean it in their bones and they have no covert scheme or motive. There is trust and lack of constant fear and anxiety with the people in my life now.