Parenting experiences post D-day to forever

Skip to: New Posts  Last Post
Page:  Next »
Posted by a_dads_straight_journey
August 29, 2019 12:37 pm
#1

I opened this thread to start a dialogue on navigating the parenting challenges post our spouses coming out - from toddlers to adults.  The kids’ anger in the early phase is referenced in many of the narratives but what about later? I’ve referenced my son often here and I believe he’s caught in a culture war and conflicted on loyalties to both parents. I don’t even think he has the tools to navigate let alone discuss it with me. 

I’m interested in hearing how and when kids made peace with it.  I’m not looking for direct advice, just hearing other experiences and lessons learned. I’m sure others are interested too.

ADSJ

 
Posted by Abby
August 29, 2019 7:04 pm
#2

My children were adults. One was out on his own and the other was in college. It was rocky at first but I think it helped them to see me pick up the pieces and be determined to build an independent life. I was the manager in the marriage and I had not abdicated that role. I was still Mom.

What gave me strength was that I was determined not going to be their responsibility then or in the future. I made sure that I got a fair financial settlement and bought a small house where they can visit. A home. Now I even invite their father - and his partner too if he's around - because at this point they are no threat to my happiness.

Once you set boundaries around the past it gets easier and the children know that this new universe is stable. It will take time but it does get better.






 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 
Posted by a_dads_straight_journey
August 29, 2019 9:04 pm
#3

Abby wrote:

Once you set boundaries around the past it gets easier and the children know that this new universe is stable. It will take time but it does get better.
 

 
Boundaries around the past. That is helpful and profound, but difficult until co- parenting is complete.

They were 6 and 11 when she came out and now they are 12 and 17 becoming enjoyable young people.
( Senior year and 7 th grade - big transitions for both. ) My current wife and I are nearly settled in our new home and the kids are adjusting to the new life well. I moved 35 miles from their mother, from one of the most liberal counties in my state to one of the most conservative. I believe I did this psychologically to distance my self from her and from what I will call the TGT ideology - That the gay/trans spouse is the victim turned hero in this narrative and only their narrative counts. I find myself resenting that perspective more and more and the tear up of my children’s lives.  God forbid any of us speak up about this.  OOHC would have been disciplined or fired had she spoken openly about her situation.  Brody Jenner ( in post below) is ostracized for openly acknowledging he lost a father - the public discourse refuses to acknowledge the identity death. ( this silencing of the complete story in the public discourse is why I call it ideology).

I would love to have full custody in this new life and put the whole shadow behind my family but that is not possible and would not be healthy for my children as they love their mother dearly. 

These are my morning musings for a family in transition.  I will keep the faith, trust my judgment and instincts and hope it all turns out well in the end.  But my goodness, it has been a hell of a lot of work and quite a journey thus far. ( the concerns for the kids that is - my wife has been superb in her accommodations and support through all of this). 

Thanks for reading, and please keep the posts on this topic coming.

ADSJ

Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (August 30, 2019 7:33 am)

 
Posted by De_Profundis
August 29, 2019 11:04 pm
#4

Relevant to this topic, this is the beginning of what looks like an interesting blog:

https://childrenoftransitioners.org/2019/08/09/on-the-pressure-to-pretend-that-its-all-ok/amp/

I hope the writer continues!

 
Posted by OutofHisCloset
August 30, 2019 5:11 pm
#5

Thanks for starting this thread.  I am eager to read people's stories, because my adult son (age 30) does not, as far as I know, know the real reason for my divorce from his father, who is still in the closet. 

 
Posted by OutofHisCloset
August 30, 2019 5:19 pm
#6

De Profundis,
   Thank YOU for that link!  So important!

 
Posted by a_dads_straight_journey
September 1, 2019 9:09 am
#7

De Profundis,
Thank you for posting the blog.  I hope we see more blogs like this.  There is a perverse irony in the silencing. In my lifetime I’ve seen our culture increase the importance of acknowledging grief and grief recovery.  The first step is acknowledging the loss or death of whatever needs to be grieved - a person, an identity, a marriage, a relationship. In the cases here, identities and roles have died, especially and drastically in the ‘trans’ case and it’s counter to our culture’s focus on grief to not allow acknowledgement of these losses. 

In opening this thread, I guess that’s the certainty I’m looking for. How do I/we know my/our children have been able to process this healthily when they rarely discuss it. Are they silenced or are they healthy and how do I know?  Advice on divorce says to not discuss the ex’s life with your children, to move on. How does one reconcile that counsel with the gay/trans shadow cast on our lives, and all of its consequences.

I expect we all ask ourselves these questions after we’ve stabilized our basic living conditions.

ADSJ

 
Posted by Celandine
September 1, 2019 9:29 am
#8

Thanks for starting this thread, ADSJ.  My STBX came out to my two daughters (16 and 13) a fortnight ago.  Does anyone have any advice on how to navigate the early stages?  I deliberately have a let it lie for a while - after telling them that if they want to talk about any of it, at all, I am comfortable doing so.  My younger daughter has brought up the name of my husband's paramour a couple of times.  My elder daughter studiously avoids all mention of the topic. And shut me down when I mentioned it today.  They have also both repeatedly turned down the offer of any counselling or therapy, though that was more divorce-focused.
I so want to manage this in the healthiest way possible for my girls. But am also conscious that I am not in the best space myself right now.

 
Posted by morpheus
September 1, 2019 5:38 pm
#9

First of all, we didn't tell our kid (12) about my "i don't know when to be ex" wife's sexual changes. He's been told that she would live separatly from now on, that they would be spending time together and so on.
She's been lost in herself for some time before, so it was not a shock for him. The most important is that his living place stays the same, he goes to the same school and may do his daily things the same as before.
Why we chose not to tell him everything? Cause nobody knows for sure. Who knows, what inner thoughts drives my ex wife? Maybe she's straight but lost, maybe she's bisexual or lesbian, or a unicorn. What we know for sure, she couldn't stay with me, living together. Exactly that information was delivered to our kid.
It's not his problems, he doesn't need to solve them.
I don't know if we were/are doing this right. Actually, i don't care (have no time for that, neither see the point) about that. There is no ideal escape from this situation, i think.
And i don't expect to do the best i could. I would fail for sure, she would definitely fail too. Just trying to not feel pressure for that. Chasing for an ideal family or ideal divorce mirage would make just more pain for everyone.
Actually there're not much changes in my interaction with son. Doing what we were doing before, talking about the same things, making fun, watching movies or goinging for a walk.

 
Posted by Ellexoh_nz
September 1, 2019 7:50 pm
#10

morpheus wrote:

............. There is no ideal escape from this situation, i think....

 

You said it Morpheus .....in a nutshell.
Our children are adults, living their lives away from home, making their own way in the world and  apart from the initial "I have something to tell you" revelation of his *bisexuality* a while ago...I don't have them close for them to ask "how are you....do you want to talk" 

I don't even know if they'd ask me for that matter. Sometimes I wonder if they think I made it all up, just to spite their father. Sometimes I feel so alone
 


KIA KAHA                       
 


Page:  Next »

 
Main page
Login
Desktop format