Hi Trance,

you are feeling confused because your wife is not being honest with you.  this is hard to comprehend because she has never been honest with you - she says she loves you and as normal you believe her.  but it's getting harder to believe.

my thoughts are this - I am guessing you are straight.  from what you say your wife is clearly a lesbian.  I am guessing she didn't disclose, you discovered?  and you have spoken about it with her and she says it's just a couple of dates, it's just a bit of petting, I still love you.

Combine this with the active sex life and I get the feeling it was a highly manipulative conversation based on achieving stage one of grooming you to accept a marriage where she has a girlfriend on the side. 

sorry.  I know how much it hurts.  

wishing you all the best, Lily

What's throwing you is that your wife is cheating on you with a woman.  Take the sexuality out of it and realize she's cheating on you.  Now go to Chump Lady, and look for the featured posts at the bottom of the page.  

My advice wouid be i). While it’s possible your wife isn’t a lesbian and she is just going thru a phase and maybe a visit to a therapist would put your relationship  on a path to happiness.  But  in my experience it’s more likely that there is a fundamental change here that is irrevocable.  I would recommend therapy for you and not couples therapy. ii) don't ever reveal what you know and how you came to find out.  Chump lady is a good resource.

Trance90 wrote:

I discovered but she doesn’t know I know. I read these texts at night she stated I am oblivious and let her do what she wants.

ah ok.  so one question that comes to mind is how you found those first texts.  Do you think it might have been almost semi-deliberate on her part or clearly accidental?

assuming it is accidental and she genuinely doesn't know you know (those spidey senses can tingle) then I find myself wondering if she is being strictly honest with the girlfriend because to say she wants to taste her sounds to me more experienced than otherwise suggested.

I just want to add as a straight woman I have never in my life wanted to have a sexual experience with a woman.  I mean, just no.  I feel flattered when a lesbian comes on to me but zero interest that way and that is normal for a straight.

oh and yes, I agree, no not possible to love 2 people at the same time not that full on way.  I have been attracted to two men at the same time but not in love with either of them.  I have watched a lesbian have her boyfriend come over just hours after her girlfriend had left and they had been so happy together.  How she can do it idk and dwt, but it was not the same love and happiness with the man, that I could feel.

People have their own natures.  I don't think it's a matter of blame so much as not taking responsibility for the gay spouse that eases your spirit.  They are what they are and you are no longer shouldering the gaslighted blame or the responsibility towards one's spouse that comes naturally with a reciprocal marriage.

Oh man. I'm so with you. But, to be honest, it seems that she's playing double or even triple game (not only with both of her partners, but also with herself). At the first sight, you're in worst position - you're that person, who's been lied. On the other side, you're torturing yourself by reading her messages, it must be very hard to see a treason. And by doing that, you're entering her lies circle.
I don't know you and your spouse, neither i'm a psychologist, but viewing humanly i see 2 options: either you divorce, either you both have agree, that there's something not right with your marriage and start to talk about it, maybe with counselor together. Your wife may lie to you, but it would be really hard to do this at counselor's meeting. 
I don't think that waiting till this situation ends somehow is a good idea. You're tired, you would start to make mistakes or get yourself caught in her lies. Please, go to professional to talk about it. My wife just left me for another woman and an hour ago i came back from a meeting with psychoterapist. I cried a lot, but it was a huge relief. You should talk to someone neutral and professional.

Also, i think you should stop reading her messages. You know everything you need to, to start changes. You may only hurt yourself by doing this for a longer time. The main information here is clear - she is cheating and she is lying. It happens. I cheated for my wife once too. Though, i didn't lie. What is the cause of her behavior - only she may tell. If you'd get to the counselor, you would get you toughts more clear and you would way more easily decide, what to do with your marriage. 

Last edited by morpheus (August 14, 2019 12:58 am)