OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Waves of grief

**Posted by Julian_Stone** July 2, 2019 12:46 am

Is it normal to experience intense waves of grief that come suddenly and sometimes linger the entire day?
I'm three months post-"I'm bisexual" bombshell. We are still married and living together/sleeping in the same bed.
Most days, I feel OK. Sometimes (briefly) I can even forget that my whole world was turned upside down.
But today....today was rough, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on work (of course, I'm super busy!) or even sleep through the night.
Does the sadness ever dissipate? How do you manage the really, really awful days?

**Posted by Rob** July 2, 2019 6:03 am

JS,
Yes, I often refer to myself then as a "basket case" . I recall going to work and I looked white as a ghost, .people could tell something was wrong.

I urge you to reach out to people for help.. not necessarily direct help but some understanding. For example, I told my boss about my cheating wife (but not TGT ...that some folks have a hard time with). He was able to deflect some work from me and cut me break...I would say my work suffered some.. (its a bitter pill because this was the same work my GX wanted all the money from)..
So you don't have to tell everyone the bi thing...but definitely asked for help and be kind to yourself...

This is a temporary season in your life. it is not forever... the sadness does dissipate... the awful days become fewer. One seems to have to go through the fire, through the flood.. but you can come out to a place a of greater peace and happiness. Assemble your support system and don't think for a minute that
you did something wrong or don't deserve help.

**Posted by Julian_Stone** July 2, 2019 3:04 pm

Thanks, Rob. I needed to hear that. This forum is both a blessing and a curse.The first thing my therapist said (I jumped to marriage counseling first, which I now think was a bad idea) was: "I have lots of experience with this." I cried. I hate that so many people out there can relate to the absolute soul-crushing pain I feel. I am blown away by the callousness of some of our spouses/ex-spouses who seem incapable of empathy as our hearts are quite literally (it seems) pouring out of our chests. Clinging to comfort from the ones who hurt us makes it all the more complicated and confusing....and just....sad. I'm always glad to read about those who have made it through the fires and the floods and found stable, peaceful ground. <3

Last edited by Julian_Stone (July 2, 2019 3:12 pm)

**Posted by walkbymyself** July 2, 2019 4:39 pm

Julian_Stone wrote:
I hate that so many people out there can relate to the absolute soul-crushing pain I feel. I am blown away by the callousness of some of our spouses/ex-spouses who seem incapable of empathy as our hearts are quite literally (it seems) pouring out of our chests.

I know exactly what you mean. I get so angry every time I read about another innocent person being victimized.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 2, 2019 8:08 pm

Julian_Stone wrote:
Is it normal to experience intense waves of grief that come suddenly and sometimes linger the entire day? Sadly it is normal....I had days when the feeling of loss and sadness was overwhelming
I'm three months post-"I'm bisexual" bombshell. We are still married and living together/sleeping in the same bed. I'm two & a half years post and still together & in the same bed
Most days, I feel OK. Sometimes (briefly) I can even forget that my whole world was turned upside down. The down days will get less,
"And once the storm is over, you wont remember how you made it through,
how you managed to survive. You wont even be sure, whether the storm is
really over. But one thing is certain,
when you come out of the storm, you wont be the same person who walked in. Thats what this storms all about"

But today....today was rough, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on work (of course, I'm super busy!) or even sleep through the night.
Does the sadness ever dissipate? How do you manage the really, really awful days? For me yes the sadness dissipated. The really really awful days? I just somehow knew I had to be stronger than the man who did
this to me, then one day I didn't wake in tears at 4am, and as time has gone on I became resolved that this would not break me

Omg I reread this and it comes across like I've given up and ready to stay in this r'ship forever...when the reality is..I just don't know if I want to, but I'm staying where I am for now.

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 2, 2019 11:11 pm)

**Posted by Whirligig** July 2, 2019 9:19 pm

There's actually a very excellent metaphor on grief (not sure if it's actually real or just something that gets passed around on the internet) you can find. Try searching using 'shipwrecked' and 'grief'. It's specific to grief over death which is how I originally came across it and doesn't completely apply but I found that 'waves' analogy particularly apt in it. Sometimes the waves are terrible and high and punishing and they come over and over again. Then you get a break and they come again. And then you go longer in between until it starts to shrink. Sometimes they surprise you like a rogue wave and you think you are back in the storm but slowly those waves shrink and the calm seas last longer. It really is one of the most accurate expressions I have found on grief. I had to adapt it some because my individual isn't obviously dead and I have a lot of anger but I suggest the read if only for the description of those waves. It's hard waiting them out but it does get better.