OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / How Religion Got Me Out This Marriage

**Posted by Lynne** July 15, 2019 11:43 pm

Deleted.

Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 5:47 pm)

**Posted by Rob** July 16, 2019 5:52 am

Devin, all,

Yeah, again my priest did not want me suffering with a cheating spouse. Of course he also worried for the kids.

Its a scary thing..our spouses took their vow before God with us, went to church with us. Where are they now while we cry before our clergy/therapist/psychologist/doctor.. Not with us I will say. I try not to wonder or judge..but it scares the sh$t out me that someone could go church with me and feel in her bones that the hurt she was inflicting was right and just and somehow blessed by God.

I thank God everyday...everyday..for getting me away from such a broken person.

For those struggling with TGT and especially a hurtful spouse that thinks what they are doing to you is right and just. It is not. Deep in our bones we know what they are doing to us is wrong on so many levels.

Sometimes the only to win with a bully on the playground is to leave the playground.

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** July 16, 2019 11:19 am

When my ex finally accepted that she had to leave, she held up her left hand, pointed at her wedding ring and said, “Wow, I never thought I’d be able to break my promise to God”. Therein lies the difference in her view of the vows and mine. I made a vow to her with God as my witness, she made a vow to God to try to be straight. That difference angered me for a long time, but as I get to the ‘meh’ state with her (Chump Lady jargon) I can see that she used her vows to try to be something she wasn’t, whether she wanted the perks of straight life or she just couldn’t accept her orientation I’ll never know, but it was clear from that comment that we made different promises on our wedding day.

Additional context on what a vow means to whom..,... my ex also had an openly bisexual male friend that married in the first year that she and I met. I remember him holding up his ring finger and telling me it was an inhibitor. He is still married but I completely doubt that he has a led a monogamous life - open or closed. He was honest with his fiancé then wife though and they had an open relationship when he was dating her but she didn’t want to know the details.

**Posted by lily** July 16, 2019 6:33 pm

Hi adsl,

That's a good point about her vow being between her and god and yours between you and her but I wonder - do you know she made the vow to try and be straight or could it have been to try and be monogamous?

gay or straight, people want to have children.

Last edited by lily (July 16, 2019 6:40 pm)

**Posted by lily** July 16, 2019 9:35 pm

yeah, it's funny how these people who think so little of wedding vows tend to marry people who do take them seriously.

I'm not sure that the desire for children suppresses the same sex attraction. I think they are concurrent. But wanting a family and being same sex attracted don't go together easily in the heart.

For anybody.

I am very upset at the way the lesbian wives treat their husbands - it's bad, the way they make you feel but I think it helps me face it too - the gay husbands are no fun either.

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** July 17, 2019 11:01 am

Lily, you maybe correct about the monogamy. She told me once when we first started dating she had never made an exclusive sexual commitment in any prior relationship. I don’t know if she never wanted to get serious earlier or is another indication she wasn’t truly interested in men. One other observation.. we were both 24 when we met and nearly all the women I dated before her had already had at least one relationship where they had been in love before. She never spoke of a heartbreak with a man. One more sign I suppose.

MJM, on apologies, she did once say early on when she came out that she was sorry. Throughout our co-parenting adventures though, I’ve never felt she contributed enough to account for her culpability.

**Posted by lily** July 17, 2019 7:18 pm

I am seeing a lot of two-timing amongst the lesbians. One a man, one or two a woman. Along comes someone who is considerate and knows how to be a good husband and father and I think they think here is a man who I might be able to raise a family with.

But the heart is still with the lesbian love - that's where the peace and happiness is.

**Posted by a_dads_straight_journey** July 18, 2019 7:53 am

lily wrote:
I am seeing a lot of two-timing amongst the lesbians. One a man, one or two a woman. Along comes someone who is considerate and knows how to be a good husband and father and I think they think here is a man who I might be able to raise a family with.

But the heart is still with the lesbian love - that's where the peace and happiness is.

Indeed, Lily, indeed.

I believe that was the essence of my experience.

ADSJ

**Posted by lily** July 18, 2019 9:59 pm

I think it is testament to both how strong the impulsion to have children is and how primary the need for romantic love is.

so here I am doing my best to understand what it's like for them but it's sure not reciprocal.

What I struggle with is the dyed in the wool sense of righteous entitlement to marry whom they want, when they're not in love with them - it's a sin of the heart, isn't it.

And it's someone that they like for their kindness, and good qualities as a partner. and it's dance around the mulberry bush rather than admit they don't love you. what the hell! where's a good swear word when you need it.

We're the ones who get confused, we tend to think they share in that confusion, but they aren't confused, they've known all along and just stringing you a line, no guilt, no sense of responsibility, and this is your best friend??? I start to struggle at this point, like perhaps I could have a nap and wake up 19 again and meet a good man to have a dance with..

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 19, 2019 1:40 pm

lily wrote:
......... what the hell! where's a good swear word when you need it ..

Motherfucker!
There you go Lily